Feeling like I’ve lost the man i love already

Hi Wolf79

So sorry to read your message and unsurprised about how you talk about your emotions; if we look at Your feelings when someone has cancer it is easy to see how common these sorts of emotions are.

Have you had a needs assessment for your husband and a carers assessment for you? While if can be easy to think "well it is only for a few months" it is worth noting that a prognosis is at best a guess, there is a certain pressure to say under 6 months too since that can trigger the special rules on benefits - if you have any questions on that do ring the helpline and ask to speak to our benefits advisers.

Many on here also talk about anticipatory grief, you might like to look at our blog on this.

<<hugs>>

Steve

I do know how you are feeling.  My husband was told in July that he has months left and since then after he had a tumour removed from his spine things have got worse. 12 weeks ago, he had a tumour removed which did improve his mobility in his legs. When he came home he had problems with his stomach which caused him to be incontinence & at night he could not get out of bed & used a bottle. He had to wear a kneck collar & brace since July, while in bed he did not have to wear it. 

I slept in the spare bedroom ,so if he needed me he just called for me. I have not slept very well since he came home, I had only manage 3 - 4 hours a night.

He went for a check up to say he's having problems with his mobility again, had a urgent MRI scan to be told the tumour had come back in the same place. They are going to try a different drug but this will be the last one they can do.

My world has collapsed,  I'm in shock again & feel like crying all the time. I get angry, frustrated scared & so many more feelings that everything is left for me to do & I feel I can't cope I want to run away. I do most things for him, personal care, getting dressed, cooking (he used to do the cooking) gardening, dog walking. 

I also help with my mum who is disabled & in a wheelchair. They say take care of youself, which is alien to me. I have always taken care of others, from being a mother, wife now carer. I'm mentally & physically drained, I went for a swim the other day & because I was upset before hand, I found it very hard too swim my breathing was all over the place. 

So sorry you are going through this. I have been where you are and its exausting. I would get out for a walk on a evening when our daughter came home from work just for half hour.i needed to get out of the house. Its so hard whe you have to watch the strong husband not able to get to the toilet and crying in pain.nobody understand how this feels or effects you unless they have been through it. I also have a aging disabled mother who i have to look after. It feels like nobody cares about you and all you do is care for everybody else.  I lost my husband just over a year ago and if i had the last few months again i would have talked more about what we knew was coming  instead of pretending things were going to getbetter. Having to face the reality is so hard . Cry all you want   and mzybe get the marie curie nurses involved so you can at least get a nights sleep. Xx

Sorry to hear of you loss Sadooooo.

We are planning his funeral next week, getting things sorted & paid for, so it's all in place. Making sure that all paper work e.g house, tv license, electric, gas, water and anything else is transfered into my name. We have even done a LPA, which I'm not sure if it will come back in time to be used when he can't get out.

We have lived with cancer since 2013,, it's only the last 3 -4 years things have steadily got worse. Only married 8 years ago. 

Having a good day today, just gave him a shower. 

Take care all of you who are caring. 

 I am glad you have been able to do these things,At least doing all this will make everything  a little easier. Nothing prepares you for this and you just muddle through. Sending you a hug xx

I learnt how hard it was for my mum, when my dad died 8 yes ago and it was left for me to sort out for her. I do most paper work for her still. Hope life is treating you well. Xx

Your life just sounds like mine.my dad died 4 yrs ago and i had to sort  everything includinf funeral and all paperwork out for mum.so should have  known better but i was alll over the place. I have accepted Davids death now . After counceling.  Just feel so cheated   at 55 was looking forward to travelling  and retiring early . Xx

My husband just started receiving his state pension when things started to go very wrong. Like you we had planned to go on a cruise,  have holidays abroad again & make memories.  That is not going to be.

Take care. Xx