First Anniversary looming?!?!

Hello.

Thank you so much for sharing, so much of what you write is familiar to me..... the guilt, the loneliness..... balancing what is support with what is fair (I feel as if my husband who has lung cancer, assumes that I'll do most things.... and I do, even though some he could do, as I feel guilty if I ask. He also feels bad about what he can't do at the moment which is understandable, but it means he gets annoyed if I ask for help).

I'm off work with stress at the moment - my mum died unexpectedly in July and we moved house in August a week before the diagnosis. My husband jokes that he's got cancer and still working whilst I'm off work! I know he's teasing but it still hurts at times. I remind myself that just because his needs are greater at the moment doesn't mean that mine aren't important. 

If you feel that you're struggling emotionally, reach out..... if not to family, that as you say, have their own view or bias, but to your GP, Macmillan, a counsellor, Maggie's, your husband's specialist nurse..... they're here for both of you.

It's tough being you at the moment and it's important to recognise that. That said, you may feel lonely but you're not alone. This community is here for you any time you need as are many others.

Take care of you. You matter xx

I completely understand how you are feeling. We are now 18 months post diagnosis. My husband is going through immunotherapy with the expected ups and downs but continues to work. My stress reached a peak this last summer, with my youngest doing A-levels. It is like the cancer related stress takes me up to 90% capacity, so anything else going on in life tips me over the edge. I have been doing everything in my power to ensure no-one else in the family gets any different experience as a result of my husband's cancer treatment, which has meant keeping my worries to myself and shouldering all the jobs and domestic worries I would have shared with my husband. I have kept going in to work (which is part time), but operating very ineffectively - just can't focus - which makes me worried my boss will notice and I'll get sacked. I would love to walk away from it, but I can't make the finances work to do that - not with the unpredictable in how my husband with manage continuing work through treatments. When I went to GP with something else last month I burst into tears, and she was ready to prescribe me antidepressants, but there are ups as well as downs, and for the moment I am trying to learn to manage the stress and save the drugs for when things get worse. I too feel guilty that I am falling apart inside, when he is the one with cancer. But that does seem to be what happens. Friends on a forum for his specific cancer have seen cancer from both sides, as carer, then as patient, and say they found the carer role mentally tougher.

Hello!

Some of the things you said here I can relate to. It's not an anniversary of treatment for us, but some of the things you say about being lonely and your husband not wanting to do things rings a bell. My husband is currently going through treatment for recurring bowel cancer. His operation to remove the tumour only took place in January this year and then in May this year we got the devastating news that it had returned after a routine follow up appointment with his surgeon and she took blood tests which showed his CEA markers which detect cancer in the system apparently had risen and a CT scan confirmed it had returned. This was an absolute blow to us both and for his surgeon who was quite upset about it because she was so very adamant that all the cancer had been removed but then again, they say its not always guaranteed and that stray cells can sometimes get through. This time surgery is not an option, and he has to have so many cycles of chemotherapy. According to his oncologist however it has come back more or less in the same place and not as extensive as first thought although metastasized slightly. Your husband sounds like mine in that he just does not want to do anything to help himself and when we do go out, he won't go anywhere unless it's in the car. When we go to the supermarket sometimes it's just me that goes in on my own to get what we need. I don't drive so he does the driving. In saying that he will come into the supermarket if it is something specific, he wants and if it's the `big shop` he'll come in with me for that. He always wants to be out somewhere but as long as it's somewhere he can go in the car. I've said to him to go out for walks which he was doing after his first operation but that's all up in the air now too. He won't even take our dog out for his walk now we used to take that in turns and I would see it as a little bit of exercise for him if he did that but his excuse is he finds it hard to crouch down to pick up the dog poo. I do sometimes resent him not helping around the house because when he retired 3 years ago before all this started, we got ourselves into a wee routine where I cleaned the bathroom, he cleaned the kitchen etc. He found out when he retired also that he had Type 2 Diabetes, so we started working on managing that going to the gym 2 or 3 time a week and playing badminton and adopting a healthy eating plan. But then, Covid happened and everywhere shutdown we managed to do online exercises at home for a while but those kind of fell by the wayside a bit and not long after that he got his cancer diagnosis.  I know I shouldn't resent him, but I keep reflecting on how everything was before this bloomin' cancer started. I feel at least if he did some form of mild activity, he would feel better about himself but all he seems to want to do is sit and watch TV and do pretty much nothing. I know this cancer treatment is getting to him mentally- who wouldn't feel like that! and I feel as caring for him I'm useless although he tells me he wouldn't know what to do if I wasn't here for him. Just hearing that makes me feel better but then at times he can be an absolute swine to me and fly off the handle with me for the least wee thing but I know that's him just venting his anger or at least I think it is. Sorry too if this sounds like a rant but I feel better getting it off my chest. 

Best Wishes 

Vicky xx