Oh hell....

Hi The other half and welcome to our community, though always a little bit sorry to see a new friend here.

I think just about everyone at this stage of the journey wonders how they might cope - I hope you come to find that you made a great start by coming here. In case your wife wants it she might like to talk to one of the work support service team.

For you it might be helpful to look at Looking after someone with cancer. When I talk about our journey (wife with Leiomyosarcoma and son with autism) quite often people say how do you cope - well we just do - but I have lots of moral support from here, Maggies, my employers assistance programme - and still sometimes I break a little. Finding someone to help pick me up though was key.

<<hugs>>

Steve

So we have been given a date for the op and its a long way off - 17th November. That's not within the timeframe we were told about, and its scary to be having what if conversations. we made some time to head to the seaside for a day just to try and unwind, but I know its impacting her - she has already wound up her little company and stopped work, and is using the time to potter round the house and do a few bits here and there, but neither of us are feeling up to much. What do people do at this time? How does anyone cope with the impending sense of pressure?

I don't know how anyone copes. It's a rollercoaster. I've begun to find out what 'good days and bad days' means - that can include physical and emotional and can't be predicted! I know you'll find your own way, because we do. I've found it easier to focus on the next stage and not the longer term - otherwise you just imagine all sorts that may or may not come to be.  For you, you might need people to talk to; lots of deep breathing; something that's 'yours' to keep yourself true rather than being totally overwhelmed. She may not have the same experience as her mum - medical developments are happening all the time. Sorry not to be more help, but sending all good wishes.

Hi other half. We are a week ahead of you - myself and wife (51) both just stopped work to try and get head around what’s about to happen, surgery on 10th (mastectomy). I’m not sure if I’m coping or it hasn’t hit yet (suspect the later). Not sure if its the right thing to do but we’re just keeping occupied, wife going to visit son at uni and I found myself in the garden centre buying gardening stuff I don’t need. The waiting is hard though. 

This just hit as my 18yr old daughter is trying to recover from complications of a rare tumour last year so we are about to go on this journey already completely exhausted. 

i think I’m more scared of the process then the cancer itself - as prognosis is relatively good right now. Trying to keep focused on the positives but cracks starting to appear and will be on edge until pathology report clarifies what the treatment plan will be. 

It going to be hard being strong for partner and kids while feeling lost myself. Everyone is saying I need to look after myself but I haven’t got a clue what that means or how! 

I think that's a really good point - its very hard to see what needs doing for everyone when your mind is just in this panic mode. The waiting is excruciating. I'm normally a person that goes "problem - solution - strategy - outcome" and I can't get past the first stage. 

I'm sorry to hear you are both in a similar place, and I wish you the best of luck for your outcomes. 

You’re really in other peoples hands and the solution is not anything we can contribute to - going from a fixer to bystander is tough. I am finding that keeping busy is probably a way of hiding, when I stop and think I can feel the enormity building. I normally will face stuff head on rather than let it linger but blocking stuff out is new for me. Also feel guilty thinking about the impact on me which wife says is a huge consideration for her - don’t know which way to go with that one as seeking help seems a bit self indulgent right now. I just want to support her and the kids.  

Having someone out there at the same stage  does help, especially as I’ve put all the booze in the attic. 

 hope you are doing ok. 

I'm such a planner, and none of this can be planned... every time you think something's sorted, another worry pops up. Being in the moment is one of the things I'm having to learn and learn again...

Starting to see that! Also helps have some nice days and just enjoy the moment. 
certainly learning new ways to live. 

It would be nice to have just a normal day where its not hanging over us. I'm having a regular nightmare at the moment where I dream that I have woken up and find my wife isn't there, which wakes me up in a panic, to be slightly reassured she is there, but then need to calm down enough to go back to sleep, when it happens all over. What a  catch -22... 

Also, 2 weeks today. quietly freaking as we haven't had any paperwork or anything, and as a planner I need to feel like we have something in place to work towards.

I recognise this so much. Sorry if I asked this before, but are you linked up with a Cancer Nurse Specialist? When I've felt really wobbly our CNS has always been good at calming me down - and they've often pushed things through, getting paperwork and appointments sorted out and telling us what's going on. They have access to all the records.  Our hospital says that everyone gets one 'from the point of diagnosis' but I had to ring a few times before getting a named contact. (The contact information's on our hospital website.) Once we were in touch with them, things started to get clearer and easier to navigate.  It's really worth you pushing and not waiting to be told - not knowing what's happening is horrible.