SCARED AND OVERWHELMED

Hi Snowwhit

Good to hear your mum is still getting out with you. In our household it is my wife with the cancer but then to help even things out I have a form of rheumatism in my spine so both of us have a good supply of pain killers and often later on with cancer the best help from the doctors is keeping the pain under control. We are very lucky in that the cancer is stable for now and we can always live in hope that perhaps there might be a cure found in the future.

I came very close to breaking at one point though and did a living with less stress course. Helped me to realise that I needed to live more in the here and now rather than worrying about the future I could not control (and could imagine much worse that it turned out). Conscious breathing exercises were great when live threw a curveball and generally for helping me relax so I can generally get better sleep. Transcendental meditation though did not really work for me.

A great many carers find themselves in the same sorts of situations we have been through, to cope we find we need to spend some time looking after ourselves but then talk about that being selfish. We really need to be kind to ourselves if we are going to be there when we are really needed.

Do post on here whenever, phone the helpline whatever you need because we all understand.

<<hugs>>

Steve

hi 

it is the hardest thing to do - i m not good at the looking after me bit    Which course did you do ? is it online ?

think i should try

many thanks

My course was run by Maggies. Slightly annoyingly I recognized absolutely everything they did but could not do it on my own.

I came to realise the importance of actually talking to someone and especially talking slowly, often as we are stressed we try to get more and more out in less and less time and it can easily get to "nobody is listening".

<<hugs>>

Steve

Hi Snowwhit

I understand. My mum has also been battling ovarian cancer on and off since 2016. It has returned once again and spread to her lungs and liver. There is nothing else they can do for her now apart from make her comfortable. It's a very upsetting and stressful time. We still have mum but are caring for her at this end of life stage. It's not easy. I am similar to you. Strong for my mum but have my moments when alone where I break down a bit. I plan to contact Maggies today to try and get some support for myself. I hope you are able to get the support you need too.

Best wishes

Heather

i feel i need to also - it is so overwhelming think our mums same to be at the same stage - is she in any pain

lots of love

Snowwhit

I've asked mum if she's in any pain but she says it's more a feeling of being uncomfortable. She is on pain medication but her tummy is very big. It's swollen because of the cancer and everything is being squashed. There is also some fluid build up but they think it's too risky to drain it off. She can only eat very little amounts now & is sometimes sick. Although she now has a driver with anti sickness medication. She is very tired as the steroids keep her awake & the discomfort she's experiencing with her stomach also doesn't help. She has been prescribed a sleeping pill so that seems to be helping now. How is your mum doing? And how are you today?

so similar, her stomach is huge with a large hard patch - we have appointment with her cancer nurse on monday so see what she says - she tells me not much pain - but i feel shes not telling me.  I m trying to keep busy, i rang maggies and they were really good but said its better to go in but i m an hour drive away so dont know when i ll manage that.

How old is your mum ? and how are you ? did you ring maggies ?

hard times

xxxx

I'm glad to hear that you rang maggies & that they were good. Hopefully the appointment with the nurse on Monday will be helpful too. I know it can be difficult getting the time to get out. Is there anyone who could care for your mum while you visit the maggies centre? Ah yes, I often wonder if my mum doesn't tell me certain things either. 

I'm doing ok thanks. Mum seems to have had a better sleep and the Dr signed me off work today for a while. I was trying to continue to work but it's too much now. I have still to phone maggies. We had the MacMillan nurse in today. She is great. I'm just getting round to making some lunch now but will try to call afterwards. My mum is only 67. Her birthday is in October but not sure she will make it until then.

Do you have a good support system? Have you also been trying to work whilst caring for your mum?

Hard times indeed. I only joined this forum today but talking to you and sharing our experiences is helpful :) 

xxxx

I m so pleased we are speaking to it does help.  Thats so young for your mum, mine is 87 in two weeks time but i even worry about that timescale.

She is not needing me full time yet, so i am still working but i m self employed so i work as and when and can work around her thankfully but i am there every day. I have a partner who helps and a wonderful son but i feel quite often they dont know what to say as it is not going to be alright, i think lots of people dont know what to say to you. I wish i had a brother or sister but to late wishing for that lol.

Do you have support ?

xxxxxx

Yes, it's a worry not knowing how long we have left with our mums. Knowing would also be tough, maybe even worse, I'm not sure. We're just taking things one day at a time just now.

That's good that you work for yourself and can work around being there for your mum. My work have bit a bit rubbish. My line manager says she understands but instead of taking some of the pressure off she just keeps putting more on me. She also hasn't provided clarity in terms of what days off I can take under the policy. People seem to have different interpretations. So I don't feel very supported. Although now that I'm signed off I don't suppose it matters. I just hope they can support me when I return.

Im glad to hear that you have your partner and son for support. I know what you mean though about people not knowing what to say. It is difficult. I suppose it's just about your friends and family being there for you when you need them, even if that means just listening or being a shoulder to cry on.

I have a partner but we don't live together so that can be difficult. I don't have him there to go home to at night for example. I think he also doesn't know what to say or do. Sometimes he says things that seem unsympathetic which is annoying but I know it's not coming from a bad place. Also when I see him now, I feel guilty being away from mum. I have a sister who is helping with caring responsibilities but she has mental health issues so things can be a bit challenging in that respect lol. I have a friend who lost her mum a year or two ago under similar circumstances so she has been great at checking in on me and letting me know she's there if I need her 

Will try to call Maggies now.

xxxx