My husband was diagnosed almost 9 years ago with renal cell carcinoma. It’s been a roller coaster during those years with various treatments, including immunotherapy following removal of his left kidney. After his last scan in March we were told there is no further treatment possible and he has just months to live. I am finding the last few weeks incredibly stressful. He’s been in hospital three times with pneumonia since last November and had a week in the Hospice in April. He has now got yet another chest infection and his mobility is virtually nil.
Our three adult children have been so supportive but obviously they have work and young families so majority of caring is done by myself. My husband, usually an easy going and caring man has become very demanding and difficult to care for. This week my very close friends arranged for me to join them for an afternoon tea and my son and daughter were going to sit with my husband while I was out. However he got extremely annoyed and said he didn’t want anyone sitting with him! I said I would not be able to go out then as I didnt want to leave him on his own. Our daughter said she was already on her way and when she arrived she held his hand and said that I needed to have a break. He just said he was dying and wanted to be left alone. This all happened ten minutes before I was due to leave and I was so upset as was my daughter. I said I wouldn’t go but she insisted I did and told me to bathe my eyes and freshen up and go. She persuaded her Dad that she would sit in another room with her book and he wouldn’t know she was there but that she wouldn’t go and leave him. I did go but the shine was taken off what should have been a lovely afternoon and an early birthday treat for me. I was on edge the whole time.
I am starting to feel resentful that I cannot have a break at all now and although I understand he is feeling frightened of what is to come and is generally very unwell, I am so tired and emotional myself that I’m feeling it so hard to cope. I wake each morning and dread another day the same as the last. I feel I’m grieving even though he’s still here. How do other careers cope when they begin to feel its such a burden.
Dear Lynne C
I’m currently in a very similar situation. My husband was diagnosed four months ago and has been in and out of hospital too. I barely know him. He isn’t talking to any of us really other than asking for things he needs.
how to cope with these feelings.
it dawned on me a couple of weeks that this stage of our lives together will be so temporary. So I’m coping by acknowledging my resentment and accepting that I feel guilty about the resentment and reminding myself that I don’t want to feel guilty after he is gone.
it’s really really bloomin hard and I’m longing for it to be different but then I get a shock when I remember what ‘ different’ means. ‘ I’ll be a widow ‘ 
this is how I cope. I hope it is helpful to you.
I send strength to you through the Internet
M
