Hard work and lonely

I fully understand where you are coming from. We are currently looking after my father in law with end stage cancer and support each other as a family. A friend has her brother with cancer and she really struggles as everyone asks how her mum and brother are coping but never her yet she is also going through the physical and mental exhaustion that comes with loving someone with cancer, with all the ups and downs and emotional responses from the person who is ill. 
sorry I cannot give any advice but want to send you virtual hugs.

I understand. My husband has bowel cancer and has been undergoing chemotherapy for the last 18 months. He keeps very cheerful so I shouldn't complain but my life has become so secondary and revolves around chemo appointments  - the hospital is 20 miles away. I retired at almost the same time as he became ill and I can't help thinking very selfishly that my life has lost all meaning. He loves the attention he gets although he'd hate to admit it. People occasionally ask me how I am and I just say that I'm OK and we take one day at a time but what I really want to say is that I feel my life, ambitions and dreams have disappeared and I just do what I can to keep him happy etc. I feel totally selfish but perhaps this is a safe place to say what I feel. 

Hello you’re not selfish it’s an exhausting role to juggle especially if you’re working full time like myself. It’s nice when people ask how my partner is, but I think ask me how I feel for a change . My partners been cruel and anything I’ve done he’s complained about . He said my cats would look better under a car wheel !! How horrible is that… there’s more but I’m embarrassed to say to be honest . I don’t know how I’m working I feel numb totally  

please look after yourself and have little breaks this is important or you will go mad . 

Take care 

Xx 

That’s tough and I have also had worse comments I am embarrassed about. I teu to take breaks but a big operation for him in summer means no chance yet again. It feels never ending

Oh wow yes I have the same.  I don’t share most of what is going on with my husband because I too find it embarrassing- for him as it’s so cruel and for me for being a woman who meekly suffers it.  I got a counsellor last year and it has really helped me get in my own head and determine how I want to “be” in supporting my husband- no regrets later.  Yes cancer has taken over our lives and we don’t plan anything anymore.  If I start any kind of project it’s a huge stress because I don’t know how he will react at any point.  I’ve finally taken a short holiday alone (we’ve not done any holiday since he was diagnosed in 2020).  But it took a lot of mental strength/boundaries to do it because at any point he will fly off the handle.  He doesn’t want to go anywhere even though he is often healthy enough.  I do have supportive friends but if they ask me how I’m doing in front of him (after already spending a lot of time asking about him) he gets resentful and jealous “why are they asking you?  I’m the one with cancer.”  I am trying to make sure I stay as physically and mentally healthy as I can so I can bear the brunt of it. But I often have to turn off my emotion to get through each day.

Honestly I know how you feel it’s heartbreaking for a loved one snd love ones around them. He’d say everyone is telling you to look after yourself I’m the one dying. My heart is breaking right now. d my big birthday is coming near . I’ll be glad when it’s over honestly  xx 

you take care ️

I can totally relate, Heartbreak123. My partner also says some really cruel & hurtful things. In fact, at times, his temper is very scary & I have to quickly make myself scarce.

I, too, feel guilt and shame - but we have to keep reminding ourselves that we are good, kind, caring, loving people. We cannot imagine what they are going through but it is not our fault.

 Continue being loving and supportive .... but try to hold something of yourself back for your own sanity and peace of mind.

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Drizzle, this really is a safe place to say how you feel ... You will be amazed at just how many carers are feeling exactly the same.

Bless you XXX ️

I have tried but he keeps running away from me I can’t do anything right . He’s pushing his son away now xx