Just beginning this terrifying journey

Sue70,

These feelings, I've discovered, seem natural to us all in our situation regardless of the different cancers our loved ones are dealing with.

I have had many up and down moments, and thoughts like yours, which used to be day-to-day but are now more hour-to-hour and even, at times, minute-by-minute.

My greatest 'struggle' now is finding time for myself. Everyone says I need to, indeed I know I have to, but I simply want to be with my wife as she nears the end. I too wish she was who she was rather than who she is now, if that makes sense.

We are all in a situation that, unless you experience it, cannot be understood.

I hope this answers some of your message.

WJD

WJD

Thank you for that. Comforting to hear that I am not alone in what I am thinking. My thoughts are with you and your wife. 

Sue

I totally feel the same as my dad has just been told his treatment hasn't cleared his oesophagus cancer. Just feel so emotional in this first week after that news and asking myself can I be strong enough to support him with what is to come. And as you say I feel like I have started grieving rather than making most of time with him.

Hi Sue

Yes I know how you feel, I've been feeling the same way.  My husband was diagnosed with lung and brain cancer in February this year, not cureable but "manageable" (whatever that means exactly) - we've been through a brain operation, radiotherapy and are currently on Immuno Therapy.  We used to laugh every day, talk endlessly and have so many dreams for the future....cancer has taken that all away.  I feel like I'm married to a stranger, he's irritable with me and there's no laughter in our house, it feels like every day is a repeat of the same horror movie.  I also feel guilty about the times when I feel angry about him getting sick, angry about our lives that will never be the same again, angry about so many things.....  I think it's only natural to mourn the loss of a past that made you happy, we wouldn't be human if we didn't and I don't think that makes us ungrateful for the fact that our husbands are still alive, it makes us conscious of how lucky we were in the past to share our lives with them and hopefully that helps us to appreciate that we still have a life to live with them - even if it is vastly different to what was. 

You are not alone in your feelings, cancer puts you on an emotional rollercoaster - all we can do is reach out to each other and get some comfort from everyone on this group.

Take care of yourself and my best wishes to both you and your hubby.

XXXX

Thank you it means so much that you are out there and you understand. I am trying not to pin too much hope on the treatment I seem to waiver between hope and despair on a daily basis. The waiting is  hard too. Best wishes to you both. xxx

I have the same, yesterday I honestly felt like I was having a nervous breakdown, I just literally felt like I couldn't cope with it all anymore, it eats away at you and I've also had clinical depression in my life and was treated for a nervous breakdown 12 years ago so I was so scared that it was happening again.....today I've felt a bit better, talking to people like you and others on this site, having video calls with friends and family back in South Africa and holding onto my faith with both hands is the only thing getting me through each day.  It's normal to have a rolllercoaster of emotions, we just have to do our best to manage it and not let it get the better of us:-)

xxxx

My husband also has oesophageal cancer spread to his liver. The change in our relationship has been so quick and I too share your feelings of guilt for having anger at the life we were supposed to have and miss the strong independent husband I had 3 weeks ago. Grateful he is here but terrified of what's to come

So sorry to hear that you and your husband are going through this too. G was admitted to hospital yesterday as he had got to the stage where he couldn't really swallow anything- even fluids were not going down. We had been really struggling for a couple of days and then a brilliant lady from our GP surgery took charge of the situation and got him the help that he needed.  The people at the hospital have been fantastic too and got him on a drip quickly which made a noticeable difference. While he is there they are hopefully going to fit a stent to help with his swallowing and also chase up oncology to get that side of things moving. I know we still have a long way to go on this horrible journey but at least I feel things are moving forward now. I hope things progress well for your husband and yourself. Our thoughts are with you both. 

I'm new to this group too as my husband has in the last 2 weeks been diagnosed with Terminal Mesothelioma Cancer. He is extremely calm but I am just not coping as very tearful and fearful for the future without him. I should be making the most of our time but I have also got so many unanswered questions as still waiting to speak to a specialist nurse or the oncologist. 
Thinking of you and completely understand how you are feeling 

Hello

In the months before my Wife parted, our family visited and told me to go and rest and do something to relax me. I tried doing stuff, but my heart wasn’t in it, all I could think of was my Wife behind a door, whom I just wanted to be with. Apart from when we had visitors, I spent all my time with Linda, unfortunately we couldn’t sleep together as it disturbed her too much. She had very bad nausea from the Cancer meds, I hated seeing her suffering, and did all I could to make life comfortable for her, from learning how to administer injections, to chasing the Doctor up.

She often tired very easily, and often when watching a film she would just fall asleep. Even when playing games on her iPhone, she’d fall asleep in the middle of a game with her finger on the screen, almost making me cry, remembering it. She was so lovely, so perfect, never complained, always said thank you for everything, always grateful for anything done for her. She was the perfect patient 

So spending as much quality time with your partner is so important, and making happy memories.

keep safe and well