Cancer and Infidelity

Hi BetrayedandBroken

So sorry to read your message and sorry to that I can only imagine how you might feel since it is very unlike my own experience with my wife's cancer. Certainly in my time on here I have seen all sorts of issues where a cancer diagnosis can either bring a couple closer together or tear them apart.

Often carers do talk of guilt - if we look at Supporting a family member with cancer we can see the emotions you feel are really not uncommon even without the affair.

<<hugs>>

Steve

Thanks for the reply - I appreciate it, I am finding things and the different emotions so hard to deal with. I will look at different blogs and forums and even if no one else is going through the same betrayal pain as me I know many are struggling with other issues related to cancer.

• Hugs back  

Oh I am so sorry.  Yes caring is hard enough but if you are dealing with the betrayal of an affair at the same time it is only harder.  You’ll see from other posts here that even strong relationships are sorely tested during cancer.  I would keep trying with a counsellor- possibly switch to a new one as they are all different.  I think you absolutely need an ally right now - someone who can help you sort out how YOU want to be.  Asking the right questions- do you want to leave him?  Do you want to continue to care for him but as a platonic friend rather than a loved husband?  Do you want to try to repair your relationship?  Is that even possible?  I am going through something similar although I can’t really share here because I don’t think here is even confidential enough.  The only thing I can say is when the relationship is broken down it brings a whole other aspect to how you will choose to be a carer, and I think having a professional counsellor who can help you sort through all of that on a continuous basis can make a huge difference.  While friends and family can help, it’s really important that you have a nonjudgmental ally who you can really share your deepest feelings and can explore what’s right for you.  And it will be very individual to your own circumstance and also how your husband is acting now.  

Hi   thank you for your response to my post  I appreciate any replies and views on this whole situation as I feel so alone and am struggling to deal with everything. I was hoping someone else had dealt with a similar problem and to know how they coped and how they felt ? It sounds like you have been through something like this and I feel like mutual support could be so helpful if you would like to contact me personally  ? I understand it is so hard to share confidences of such a hurtful and devastating nature so you may not wish to do this but please do if you think you can. Caring for someone with cancer is difficult enough but with the added heartbreak of discovery of betrayal, it blows up your life and marriage as you knew it and can make you feel very alone and forgotten. Only someone it has happened to can truly understand how it affects you totally.

Sending you good wishes and a hug  

Yes, I know what you mean.  I’m not able to connect personally at this time but yes it is helpful to know how others are dealing with their challenges.  My counsellor is helping me really consider the tough questions of how do I want to “be” in such challenging circumstances.     At the end of the day I want to be proud of how I’ve acted, regardless of how he’s acted.  That does not mean being a doormat, but for me it means being there and helping how I can right now.  And taking one day at a time.

I hope you will find your way through this, as I am trying to - you sound a more forgiving person than me although maybe our betrayal circumstances aren't so similar and people are different and deal with things different ways ? Out there are always people going through heartbreak and difficult times aren't they and sometimes we forget that and feel like it's just us - I know I've felt like I can't live hurting this much anymore but you just do and you carry on because you have to, taking one day at a time as you say, not knowing how that day will be and some days are better and some are awful  - Take care of yourself, you will both need that....

Ha for me,  forgiving helps the forgiver more than the forgiven.  Key is that I want to be a good person regardless of how other people are to me - it’s how I live with myself and feel good about myself. So you could say I’m forgiving but I’m doing that for myself.  Having a counsellor get more angry on my behalf than I did myself helped.  . If I carried the anger, the person I hurt is myself.  Instead I am “past it” because I don’t care anymore and in some ways that is more painful for my partner than if I were angry.  So don’t think I’m a nice person - I feel mean but I have to take care of myself and can’t put energy into anger and resentment, or (sadly) trying to fix what’s broken.  

I too have similar experience.  My husband had an affair that affected all the family.  He was so arrogant at that time.  Anyway some years down the line he developed laryngeal cancer.  Our marriage over the past couple of years has been fine.  However after laser therapy, and then radiotherapy 12 months later  it looks like it might be back.  At times I feel very resentful towards him and at others very sad.  I want to scream out loud.  So your not alonexxx

Thank you  - it's 2 years since my husband died and I've moved forward and have been lucky enough to meet someone else (who's also a widower) I'm much happier now but if I'm honest the betrayal and what happened still hurts as much as it did when I found out and it's something I still can't help thinking about every day BUT I have to accept I can't change the past and I can change how I want my life to be now so that and knowing I have a future now has been a great help.

I hope you are able to deal with difficult times ahead, I know how hard it is

Sending hugs

Not quite the same but my partners recent passing has now brought anger , I found out he's left no will as we were not married he's sorted nothing out , no letters or videos of goodbye, we've been together 25 years , he knew he had cancer for 3 years , me and my older children are kept to pick up the pieces he has kef and will be expensive and possible leave us homeless,  I loved him and looked after him for 3 years , yes I feel like he's betrayed me