How to cope with the thought of loss

Hi @sazzi,

I think we can all recognize how "normal" you are and wish we had the magic wand that could take that pain away. Perhaps the best advice I received and could pass on is just to take a step outside yourself and notice how we are feeling. Many feel "why them" and I think we would all swap roles in a instant - but then that would just leave the one we love in the same sitation.

<<hugs>>

Steve

1. Hi, I only joined this group yesterday as my husband was diagnosed with incurable cancer earlier this week, I recognise all of the feelings you are going through and like you I can’t see a way past the sadness. I’m frustrated with myself as I know I should be appreciating the time now rather than grieving what could have been, and I don’t know if time will make me stronger as I’m at the beginning of this journey.  I don’t know if it helps just to hear your not alone? I don’t have a magic answer,but I’m trying to tell myself that none of us know how long we have, but what time we do have let’s just make sure it’s filled with love, if i do this for my husband then I will have done my best. I could be grieving a ‘perfect future’ which may never have happened and be missing the right now in front of me. Be kind to yourself  xx

Thank you for your reply, it really is just rubbish isn't it but being reassured by people like yourself, who are feeling the same, really dies help. Thank you.

Thank you so much for your reply. I'm so sorry you are on this truly heart breaking journey. Your words really touched me and they are very helpful especially when you say about grieving for a perfect future that may never happen. Very true. Best wishes and literally take 1 day at a time x

Sazzi I was crying about exactly this last night. What is helping me deal with this sadness are two things.

One is the thought that even though I may feel lost in the world my husband entered (two years ago with advanced prostate cancer) is that other people know the terrain better than I do and understand where I am. I'm thinking particular of a counsellor attached to a hospice, who I've been seeing for the last 6 weeks.  Counselling is now at an end but it has helped me feel anchored and not so lost.

The second thing is realising that my hubby still has me.  I can't visit him at the moment as the nursing home he's in is in lockdown for two weeks due to Covid (including Christmas Day!).  But I can take things every day to him and leave them at the door; he will get them.  

Hi Sazzi 

How you are feeling is a mirror image to my own feelings and I am so so sorry to hear you are going through this too. My partner was diagnosed 4 wks ago with bowel cancer which has spread to his liver, he’s 45, he’d had a cough for about 6 wks but due to Covid we just kept doing PCR tests, then he started with night sweats and weight loss, we have seen the oncologist who has said he can have chemo in an attempt to keep the cancer at bay for as long as they can and maybe shrink it a bit. I’m completely devastated, everyone around me tells me to be positive and appreciate the time we are together now but like you, I’m too devastated and heartbroken to enjoy anything, I feel like my world has been turned upside down and what did this beautiful man do to deserve this. I am very frightened of the journey we have ahead of us and the thought of a future without him, we have our wedding planned for November 22 and I feel totally robbed of happiness leading up to this, my friends and family keep telling me to be strong and tell me I’m doing great but in actual fact I feel like a crumbling mess inside. 

Bencin people telling you to "be strong" doesn't help much, but they mean well and maybe you have the beginnings of a support group? This must be very hard for you both, especially at the beginning of your life together. 

Hi Sazzi,

Please bear in mind that everyone's cancer journey (whether as patient or carer) is unique - but you are not alone.

What you are feeling is exactly what I felt about 12 months before my darling wife Margaret passed. Unbelievable waves of sadness would just appear out of nowhere for no apparent reason (other than the freaking obvious). Watching my beloved literally fade away before my eyes was heart breaking.

I thought we had things under control. Marg was diagnosed about 6.5 years prior and, although there were the usual ups and downs, we got organized, we planned, we scheduled, we did everything we could to fill our ever shrinking world with whatever love and joy we could find.

When I had my meltdown, Marg was the one that pulled me out of it, simply by pointing out that was not how we dealt with things. She was an amazingly strong woman and I picked up some of her strength while being her full time carer. All through our lives, we had faced any obstacle together and embraced all joys together. She reminded me that was how we were going to face what we now both realized was fast becoming inevitable. Together.

I think this was the root cause of my meltdown, finally admitting what I had deep-down already known - that, soon enough, I would be facing the future on my own. Marg arrived at this point long before I did, but she always was the pragmatic one out of the two of us.

If they hand out medals for punching above your weight, then I'm your man. She was remarkable.

Once the dust had settled, I felt more at peace than I had for months and so did Marg (I think she was relieved that I had finally had the balls to face what she had already come to terms with).

And so we prepared and our focus changed from fixing and fighting to one of caring, comfort and support.

After she passed, I was seeing a grief counsellor (they REALLY do help) and told her about my meltdown. She said that a lot of carers go through what she called pre-emptive grief once they have arrived at the point where they concede that the bell lap is about to be rung. In hindsight, starting my grieving early put me in a much better place to be able to handle her passing and better able to support our sons, our daughters and our grandchildren.

I still get sad every now and again, but sadness doesn't control my life any more. It's sad that my future doesn't include her, but my future is my chance to re-discover myself.

If I could offer any advice it would be to talk to your husband and let him know how it's affecting you.

You can have the world's best doctors, specialists, oncologists and nurses, but the two most important people in this fight (and the only ones that will see it through to the end) and you and your husband.

Talk to him.

I hope both you and your husband find peace and comfort together.

Peace,
Ewen :-)

Hello panic,  Being at the start of this awful journey with my husband, I just wanted to say a heartfelt thank you to you for your words and sharing your experience with this thread, you wife sounds like she was an amazing women. Even though we are only a few days post diagnosis, I have already found comfort and some courage from lovely people like you who have taken the time to reply and offer support to others.

I am trying to tell myself that no one has a guarantee of how long they have on this planet, and that if my husbands time is shorter, then what a privilige that I got to share so much of it and build our mini world together.  I'm still grieving for our retirement dreams which we'll never likely reach and for the lifetime my children wont have with their amazing dad, though the memories and strong relationships we've built will probably be what carry us through I suppose and give us strength when we need it (I hope xx)

Take care and thank you again.

Every day as a carer is an opportunity to amaze yourself. Carers are remarkably resilient and far, far stronger than any of us realize.

And for those days when it seems a bit too much, just remember - this too will pass - it may pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass.

At the end of your journey, the sun will still rise.
As will you.

Peace,
Ewen :-)