Starting to struggle a bit now

Bless you xxx sending you a big virtual hug  Xxx

Thanks

Hello there ,I’m so sorry you are having such a tough time right now .i certainly get that when you put it into words ,the tears are ready to drop .and you should let them I think ,no it’s not what men do ,unless they find themselves  in a position similar to yours .there is no rule book when it comes to caring for someone ,we do the best we can .we do it because we care ,we muddle through .that’s what I’m doing now too ,so your not alone .it helped me reading your post to know I’m not the only one who feels like this thing is bigger than me ,that it’s a mountain that I’m struggling to climb ,but we are stronger than we think ,maybe you do need to involve others ,it’s totally ok to accept help, we all need it .can you get some meals delivered to you ,then you wouldn’t worry so much ,your wife would have more choice perhaps .sit down together and choose ,doing it together would be nice ,if she was eating well then she might be stronger to deal with things .sorry I do ramble but I’m usually a sociable person but I’m finding it lonely and hard going atm ,so just thought I’d say hi .hope you both find your way through it .big hugs for you both .

It is really hard being the sole carer, especially when it’s not something you’re used to so be proud of what you have managed so far and what I’m sure you’ll continue to do. It does sound like you need to get some help though - do you have a local hospice as they sometimes have carers that can help, or Macmillan. I’m not sure where you start as like you I tried to do it all myself until my hubby went into hospital - they kept asking if I had help at home and all seemed shocked when I said no. Before he came out a care package was put in place (carers to come out 3 times a day) but unfortunately his decline came very swiftly and he died three days later. I don’t say that to make you sad but just to make the point that you should get carers as early as you can - that way you get to spend quality time without the worry about other things that you should be doing. Maybe you could speak to your GP or local Macmillan nurse who might be able to guide you in the right direction. I truly hope you get the help you need. Take care and love each other x x

Thanks Lavender for your kind thoughts and comments, at the moment Heather doesn't want others in the house she is anxious about people bringing in infections. I have some experience of the the Wiltshire meals as my mum had them delivered when she was less able to manage cooking, perhaps it would be worth getting their catalogue.

The whole covid thing makes things much more complicated, I was on the shielding list because of the medication I take for my arthritis. Makes me wary about having too much interaction with outsiders, I have some but am limiting it to a level which helps keeps me from being totally isolated.

Thanks Jillybean, we do have the Macmillan nurse coming in from time to time. At the moment the physical side of caring is not to bad, Heather is still mobile (just) is able to wash and shower with support so at the moment there is no real need for any outside help as there is not a lot they can do to help me at the moment. The house is well set up with a shower room next to the bedroom so things are not too difficult.

I will need to try to be aware of when I will be better with outside help with the personal care elements.

I know this may sound like a cliche but seriously try and take 1 day at a time. Being there for your wife is the most important thing you can do for her and it sounds like you are most certainly doing this. Plan 1 lovely thing each day, something simple like a little walk or your favourite biscuit. Take care and keep going x

Thanks Sazzi, I managed a really nice 12 mile ride on my bike. It was such a lovely afternoon it was too an opportunity to miss. Haven't been out on the road bike for months. Must do it again soon. I need to make the most of every chance I get.

Hi Scottish Lad,

It sounds very tough and yes it can be emotionally overwhelming to become aware that you are 100% responsible for someone.  So it’s not just the individual tasks, it’s the knowing that it is relentless.  It sounds like the main task right now is meals, so I agree getting some relief on that may help.  Even if you knew, for example, that 2 days a week someone else was going to plan and prepare the meals and give you some time off, that may help give you strength for the rest of the time.  Meal planning for any of us (parents, carers, etc) can feel relentless and boring - so you need to think of what approach takes the stress off you.  In my brother’s family, they had. 14-day rotation they followed exactly.  It’s hard with kids or cancer patients, because they can both be picky eaters.  But they chose a rotation of all meals they loved, and had some easy back-up comfort meals or order-out options if the planned mea was not going to cut it.  For my husband, he hated that rigorous approach and preferred to have some go-to meals ready but never decided until the day.  Best wishes and so try to get some help.  Most carers are very rigorous with PPE and your risk should be low for having them in the house.  

Lavender214 I am new to accepting I am a carrer, I have read your comments and they have helped me I hope scotish lad  finds it helpful too I think advice on practical matters helps a lot.