Feeling trapped

Hi Tally welcome to the forum and that sounds just awful for you. I don't think that you should feel guilty at all we all need to feel happy and it is clear from what you have said that you are not and Cancer has come along and just complicated your thoughts but I am glad that you feel able to express them here and to write it down and I hope that helped you, even just a little bit.

Do you have family that you could talk this through with  or friends who will listen and not judge? I so feel for you and I dont know what to advise that would be best for you but I wonder if you might like to talk to someone at Macmillan who definetely will not judge but listen . 08088080000.

Sending some hugs your way for now and I wish I could say or do more to make this less awful for you, but we can listen here and try and support you as much as we can if thats of any use?  xxxx

Oh that is so difficult.  I can see how you would feel very trapped and unhappy for yourself, while having the reasonable emotions of still caring about him and not wanting to kick him when he’s down.  Being a carer is challenging in the best of situations, and adding this challenge will make it particularly hard for you.  I do recommend a therapist/counsellor if you can get one.  You need someone to whom you can share your raw emotions without holding back.  They may also be able to come up with approaches or perspectives that make your situation more tolerable.  Meanwhile try to think through how you want to act and appear, what would give you the most satisfaction and least guilt after the fact.  You’ll need to work especially hard on self-care…. given your situation how can you take care of yourself the best so you can stay resilient for everything you have to do?  How can you find some enjoyment every week?  All beet wishes to you.

This is an awful situation to be in Tally7, unfortunately I feel the same way so have no solution for you. My husband has always been so self absorbed and now that he's recovering from stage4 head and neck cancer, he's worse than ever.  At the time he was diagnosed, I had just got my life together and was on the cusp of the conversation to go our separate ways. I settled in to care for him, put my plans to the background. Now, 9 months down the line he is in remission but cannot yet eat solid food, he still has to be fed through a gastro tube which he won't do himself. He can drink with a thickener added but I still have to give fluids every 2 hours through the tube, again, he's capable of doing this for himself but won't.

Today, I feel the knot tightening in my stomach and want to run away! This morning I've fed him, given him fluids, cut his hair, cut his nails, cleaned his glasses and listened to him moan about the house being dirty, the moaning is nothing new!  I honestly feel like I've had enough now but, like you, I don't know what to do. 

I'm so sorry this turned into my ranting, if you find a solution please share.

Also, the house isn't dirty, he spotted a few cobwebs!!

Hi Tally, It's completely normal for carers to feel trapped and want to escape - I'm caring for my mum and have given up my life for the duration of hers, so she can have the best quality of life for what remains to her.  I'm conflicted over it too of course, but I remember I'm doing it out of love for her and gratitude for what she did for me over the years.  

You should never feel you'll be judged for deciding not to carry on in the role, though - there was a time when mum was delirious I thought I couldn't do it and if things had carried on as bad as they were, I would have to have arranged for alternative care as it was really damaging to my health.  I've been lucky because mum came back to almost her old self and also accepted that she needed care, so she was able to relax and enjoy things again rather than feeling anguished and angry all the time.  I know at the end things may get that bad again but if so I will make my choices then.

It's a horrible position for life to put you in, and I hope you will feel at peace with your decision - do remember you have choices and your health is just as important as your husband's.