Feeling like I’m lost in a thick fog !

Hi Paul

I'm so sorry to hear what you and your wife are going though.

I am in a similar situation with my husband being diagnosed during lockdown 2020 with mestastic colorectal cancer which had spread to his liver. Our worlds stopped turning for a whole year of treatment, radio, chemo, immuno, 3 surgeries. Unfortunately it has spread and he's been given a similar diagnosis of 1-2 years.  I found it i credibly difficult to deal with everything ans and our 2 young children at the time. Anti depression tablets helped me and I will ask for them to be increased once the time comes. We are trying to build special memories while we can, that's the only thing we can do. I did a swim challenge to distract me and help my mental health, a virtual 22 mile swim the English Channel challenge for macmillan. Maybe that is something you could do, a walk or something like that? It really helped me. Xx all the best Cheryl x

Thank you Cheryl for your response, much appreciated.

I increased my anti depressants in the hope this would pull me around, but sadly not. The thought of losing my soulmate for whom I live my life, and who has given me the happiest 6 years of my 64 yr life is consuming my every waking thought. I feel overwhelmingly guilty at having any “happy or cheerful” thoughts knowing what my wife is and has to go through. She has spent her life looking after her health, last year I had a scare with a nodule on my lung but got the all clear, at the same time I was diagnosed with heart disease and had a stent fitted and came thought that completely. Yet my darling wife who is such a loving gentle person is the one to suffer in this terrible way, for me I hate having to leave her for a single minute (shopping, walking dog, etc..) and feel bad every minute I am away from her side. At times I feel like I may just explode with the stress, anxiety and guilt.

the thought of life without her in it is totally unbearable !

regards

Paul

Hi, I totally get where your coming from… a fog that never lifts, you go to bed and it’s consuming, you wake up… well that is if you sleep and the darkness and thick air is still there! 
I don’t have a answer, all I can say is your not alone in these feelings, I found myself in the middle of Sainsbury’s without a clue of what I was buying but in floods of tears… not a pretty sight! I know they say to take each day as it comes but maybe if you can a little walk or a drive in the car sit, on a park bench, read a book together just something different just so that everyday you have a positive with a little memory which you can hold onto.. sit and listen to music together or watch a film… plant some bulbs for spring.. spend that precious time together, a holiday in the UK can be as beautiful as some foreign places too!

For my children and I it’s making the most of the time we have with their Daddy and my amazing hubby, for them to do firsts with him, shave, drink a bottle of beer, dancing in the rain, driving a car etc…. my children are all under 15 but it’s life’s firsts which might be a bit early, but still important for them to experience with their Daddy! 
Good luck x

Thank you so much for your reply and ideas, really appreciate hearing from others who understand. We did actually manage a 3 night break in Northumberland a couple of weeks ago. As you say we did a little walking but my wife gets tired very quickly. We also have a small dog but my wife is unable to do any long walks with her. We’re hoping she will be well enough to go on a cruise we have booked in October, it was booked long before her diagnosis. We do still enjoy going out for a nice meal when she feels well enough which we really enjoy. We are lucky in that we have no young children, but my wife has asked that no one is told of her latest diagnosis until it becomes unavoidable. She has always been a very private person.

thanks again and best wishes to you and your family