Feel so alone

Hi Skittlegirl

Sorry to read about what has happened to your fiance and the very understandable impact it has on you. Well done for coming here because you are totally right in that it is very easy to feel all alone, even in the middle of a crowded room. I used to worry about crying but have come to regard it now as just my love overflowing and it can be really helpful and certainly not a sign of weakness.

It might help you to look at Your feelings when someone has cancer to see just how normal your are - even if it was a kind of normal we all recognize we would happily have lived without.

<<hugs>>

Steve

Hi there

I’m so sad to read of your fiancé’s battle with cancer and your mixed up feelings.

My situation is quite different to yours, we are at the beginning of “our journey” as my husband has recently been diagnosed with lung cancer and is awaiting biopsy results to confirm if it’s NSCLC or Mesothelioma or a combination.

Our daughters live some distance away and I don’t want to burden them with my fears and anxiety. My husband seems quite well apart from some chest pain, cough and fatigue so it’s really hard to believe what is happening. As you say it feels like a nightmare and I sometimes think the phone will ring and someone will say it’s all been a big mistake.

He is  a very positive person and keeps saying that it’s no use worrying or crying because it won’t change the diagnosis. Whereas I’m a much more emotional person and often feel as if I could cry all day and night but I try to control it because I want to be strong for him.

I’m finding it very difficult especially as we are now waiting for further tests being done before he can see an oncologist, he has been discharged by the lung shadow team with the referral to Oncology  “hopefully to be seen within two weeks “ . I try not to stress about the wait but it’s the feeling of being helpless that is hard to manage. Like you if I can focus on “what’s next” I can cope but this being almost in limbo is very hard for me.

I hope it may help in some small way to know that your feelings are not unusual but are totally “normal” in the circumstances we experiencing. 

Grasan

Thank you for taking the time to reply.  It’s just difficult. All I want to do is go to my own dad for a hug but he’s also fighting cancer at the moment (lymphomal leukaemia) so I can’t even visit with him because I don’t want to give him the same infection tthat my partner is fighting. I find myself putting on a brave face but within the confines of my room, when I’m alone, I am a mess.

Thank you for taking the time to reply Grasan. Like you I found myself putting on a brave face for my fiancé when he would tell me not to worry. I once got angry with him, and I feel so guilty for it, but after the terminal diagnosis he caught me crying one day and told me he didn’t know why I was crying when he was the one that was dying. I replied that although it sounded selfish I was crying because when he passed he would be at peace, I’m the one that knows I’ve got to go to next 40 years or so without him. It’s sounds selfish to say, and I feel selfish for saying it, but I  just don’t even want to think about a future without him in it and now the reality is smacking me in the face.

If I can say, we sound very similar in emotional ways.
I have been married for 47 years (we married young!!!) and I just cannot even begin to think about him not being here. So I don’t think it’s selfish to feel like that. Even though my husband’s diagnosis isn’t absolutely confirmed we know that mesothelioma has a very poor prognosis and I just want to know one way or the other.
My husband keeps saying we have to be patient which infuriates me. My head aches at times with suppressing my tears. 

You must be finding it so hard that the treatment that’s supposed to help him has actually made your fiancé very ill. 

Big hugs your way.

Oh Skittlegirl, so sorry to read about what you're both going through.

My husband was diagnosed with a GBM4 last Sept so I can relate to the journey you're on. It's far from easy!

All the emotions are perfectly normal, you're going through so much too remember. When we're caught up in the whirlwind of it all it's easy to forget about ourselves. I'm exactly  the same. Holding it all together for my husband, my kids, my friends and work colleagues then I fall to bits on my own.

Hang in there. Stay strong.

Love n hugs

Wee Me xx

Hello Skittlegirl,

So very sorry to read the update on your post. I hope that your fiance is at peace now. My husband is in the latter stages of the same hideous disease, and is now in a hospice for respite care, but since being there he seems to have lost his memory and speech even more. When he was at home, I felt 'in charge' and could help him, although we did have our times when he was quite aggressive to me (not physically). However, he worsened and decided to go into the hospice for some 24 hour care.

On the plus side the staff had had him sitting outside in wheelchair today and he quite liked that although was absolutely worn out after.

Again, I'm so very sorry and hope that eventually we can all come to terms with the way our lives have turned out.

Take care,

love

LLamalover xx

Thank you for taking time to reply. I stayed strong until the end, for him, but once he found peace I lost it. I didn’t have to be strong anymore. I drove to the river and cried for two hours. Luckily I had friends who were there and held me and comforted me while I wailed. If I have one piece of advice to give its to take that time for yourself when/if the time comes, because after that you have to put your big girl pants on again and start over.

my love and prayers to you guys

Oh Llamalover, my heart breaks for you. I know too well the pain you feel right now.

stay strong sweet, keep reaching out to people. I left it late in Dean’s treatment to reach out and I suffered for a long time because of it but there are so many people on here who completely get what you’re going through. Xx

love and prayers to you guys 

So sorry to read your news. My husband has now seen the consultant and has been told his cancer is inoperable, he starts chemotherapy and immunotherapy next week. We have decided to focus on each block of treatment (3 weeks of both then 3 months of immunotherapy) rather than looking too far ahead. 
I hope the love and support of your friends and family will help you in the days and weeks ahead. 
Grasan