In December 2020 after blood in pee we started getting test to find the cause, he’s always been a negative person but throughout the test he’s always gone straight to worse case scenario and obsesses all day about results, we are now unfortunately at worst case scenario as he has stage 4 kidney cancer, I’ve read about people living for years with this diagnosis and am constantly trying to get him to think more positively, he’s hardly eating and everything I make for as he’s says tastes ‘disgusting’ he lives on porridge, he can’t sleep and is always moody and snappy. He sits on the sofa and orders me round constantly, when I take him to appointments he criticises my driving, and shouts if I hit any bumps in the road, I’m walking on egg shells all the time.
I know he’s frightened and has so much to process but it’s draining me, I sleep on the sofa, as I move to much in the bed, I wake up every morning and cry. He’s self employed so can’t work, I’m trying to support us with my new small business but he moans when I work so I have all the financial worries to cope with as well.
I feel so awful and guilty as I’m starting to resent him, I’m fighting back tears all the time.
Hi Zaffertime,
So sorry to hear about your husband but even more so about the effect it is having on you. It is so easy to fall in to feeling sorry for ourselves all day but like you say it is draining. If you take a look at Looking after someone with cancer you will see there are lots of people in your position though perhaps the most important section is "Who can support me".
I did tears in the shower when Janice was diagnosed, now I know that tears are normal.
As a real start can I ask you to consider ringing the helpline and talking about you - your pain. your feelings, your money worries because if together we can help you then you can help him - when he wants the help.
<<hugs>>
Steve
