Does anyone else feel guilty for just needing a break? Just a day, even a few hours 'off'...
I'm caring for my MIL who was diagnosed in February with stage 4 lung and secondary liver cancer. It's also in her lymph nodes and adrenal glands. Apart from a couple of good days, she is generally in a lot of pain with her liver as it is so enlarged. I'm down there every day and partner is living there but he has also just started his own business (doors were due to open the day lockdown started) so is doing everything he can to keep it afloat online and we are still coming to terms with the sudden loss off my FIL 18 months ago.
I'm doing everything I possibly can, including supporting my partner who is struggling, her siblings, my BIL and I have little boy who is 6, a job and my own home to continue to manage.
I just have this constant overwhelming feeling of guilt. I feel guilty for spending so much time there for my little boy, feel guilty for having to bring the nurses in so often due to her pain (i know that's not my fault and that's what they are there for but i i just feel like I'm pestering them) i feel guilty for putting onto my mum needing extra help with my son, my partner because I can't fix all this for him and I can see he is hurting, i feel guilty i can't do anymore than I'm doing for her to get her out of pain. I have the odd day where all i want to do is curl up on the sofa with my little boy and switch off from it all because I'm exhausted but then I feel guilty for that too.
I'm burning myself out but I know if I don't do things... no one else will and I hate the thought of someone else feeling like I do so I just get on with it but I'm starting to struggle. I keep being told 'I need you to be strong for me, it keeps me strong' but I'm emotionally and physically drained.
Part of me wishes it all over... the inevitable is going to happen, we can't change that and it's just getting harder. Then I get hit with the guilt for feeling like that. But then I think... If I could just push more to get her pain under control then it wouldn't be so difficult.
I don't know if I'm just looking for someone to blame and because I none of this is anyone's fault, I'm putting it on myself.
This is honestly the most horrendous thing I have been through, you do everything you can and still feel helpless.
