Don’t know where to turn

Hi Alynneeiz, my husband also has bowel cancer which has spread to the liver and lungs. He seemed not too bad but recently has been feeling a bit worse. He hasn’t been given a timescale but told a year ago “treatable but not curable”.

I don’t know if I have any helpful advice except just think from one day to the next, if that is too big just think from one hour to the next. Think of some nice things you might want to do but don’t get intensely “bucket list” about it. If he or you don’t feel up to it, don’t beat yourself up about it.

also, the famous so called “5 stages of grief” were not originally that. Elisabeth Kubler Ross devised the list as “feelings you might have with a terminal diagnosis”. And you don’t have to “work through” them all in a particular order. I have often had 2 of them overlapping.

At the same time, it is a grief to lose the happy secure feeling you had before. It is ok to feel grief, and the fact that somebody else has a worse situation than you, doesn’t mean you’re not suffering as well.

You have done well by turning to this site, there are lots of people more experienced than me in helping you.

 I hope you are already asleep and don’t read this until morning, but if you are still awake... don’t beat yourself up about that either!
Much love to you both x

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me xx 

We are in a similar situation. My beloved husband found out that he had bowel cancer when his appendix burst last February. He had a rotten time after the op to remove the tumour and was in hospital for over a month. Then we found out that his liver was full of tumours. One course of chemo got rid of them - I was jubilant. Then they came back and more. Another course of chemo has not got rid of them - just held it at bay. Today we’ve been told it’s advanced stage 4 and incurable. If he carries on with chemo, he has 14-15 months life expectancy. I am devastated. I don’t even know what his life will be like by then. And I have a very responsible job that I’m struggling to care about. It’s too much. 

It’s always been just us and I cannot cope with losing him. He is being very brave and is determined to beat the average. I don’t know how realistic that is. And the thought of chemo for the rest of his life is terrible. 

Sorry for the stream of consciousness, I just don’t know where to turn. 

Hi, I’m so sorry that you are having to deal with this. Life is cruel. My wonderful husband is just 51 and has incurable stage 4 stomach cancer. We were told  Christmas Eve last year but never asked for a timescale. He is on cycle 5 of chemo with another scan after cycle 6.  We still talk about future plans, hope for the best and don’t talk about the worst. We know it’s there but choose to ignore it. I work full time but luckily at home. 

Every new symptom or feeling creates anxiety and it’s the unknown which is hard to deal with. Luckily my husband is well so far, we take one day at a time and try to be as normal as possible.

My thoughts are with all of you who are having similar experiences and just trying to struggle on and do the best they can for their loved ones. Just remember to look after yourselves too. I have some days when I feel extremely overwhelmed with it all and like me head will explode, but luckily they’re the odd days. X

Thankyou for the reply , it really helped your kind wordss. I know no one has the answer or what to do but guidance is good 

Blimey your story is exactly the same as mine except we are in our first course of chemo.. I know exactly how you feel as you describe me