Difficult decisions during Covid

Hi Silverspirit, you have raised some very valid questions. I have no idea what the correct answers are. I wonder if it's possible for you to phone his gp or his specialist team and ask their opinions. Have you thought about phoning macmillan., perhaps they can help. Hope you get some advice from others on this forum who have already come up against these problems and found a solution. Maybe if someone in authority tells your dad about sheilding he will listen??. I know it's not easy to change people's opinions. I hope you find a solution, please let us know  xx

Thank you! Yes in desperation we called the hospital and adult care yesterday and they both said we can’t travel and arrangements need to be made for him to be alone. I have laid awake all night trying to see if I could just do a midnight flit and bring him up to live with us, but I don’t know how that would work with his care ie he isn’t registered with a doctor/ hospital. I am going to speak with him again today and see if he can see things more clearly - he is still reeling from the cancer diagnosis and the grief of 15 years of our mum having  it before she passed in November. Just seems so unfair that he has spent all that time as a carer and now he has to go through this alone.

Hi and a warm welcome to Carers. I'm sorry to hear about your father-in-law and of your mother-in-law's death; it's an awful double hit for your FIL. On top of everything I think it's extremely unlikely he could manage such a long journey so soon after surgery, so please put your mind at rest. Yes, it is unfair; cancer has no regard for 'fair'. I'd suggest you call the hospital again, while he's in there and explain that there is no-one to be with him and that he needs support in the home. They can arrange it while he's in there but once out someone else would have to do it. If they don't arrange it, but I hope they do, could you contact his GP and ask for him to be referred to the district nurse (possible already done) and Macmillan nurses so he will have at least someone going in every day? Be kind to yourself too, you're doing everything you can and no-one could expect more.

Love and hugs,

You are allowed to travel for care giving... This would count.  You will of course worry that you might carry the virus to him... But to ease the worry I isolated at home before travelling back down to my dad and I took the contents of my food cupboards down and stayed pretty isolated once I got back so I would know if I had brought it. 

I was staying with dad for a bit anyway as he had fallen and become frail, but I nipped away for a holiday which never happened, then lockdown.  It was tempting to rush back down the night before lockdown... But I reckoned everyone would be doing that so I waited until I had to go to take over care. I only had to go Dundee to cumbria. 

They don't easily understand the shielding, but once you put him in touch with local covid support groups they can help to reinforce that if you feel unable to go down.

It's a hard decision and you shouldn't feel guilty.  

Sorry this is a bit rambling... Just wanted to say yes you can travel. But you would need to stay once you got there. One of the advantages now is that the NHS and other services are more able to consult by phone and email so you hopefully will find it easier to support him from a distance if you are computer literate.  But it might be wise to get power of attorney in place to help.

Best wishes. 

Thanks - that’s really helpful. He is going for a CAT scan this morning to assess the spread so hopefully he will speak to someone there about it too. Spoke on the phone yesterday and he seems a bit more reasonable if a little grumpy but I guess this could be grief talking - they always say you lash out at the ones you love. Just hoping it’s good news this morning xx

It is difficult knowing how to move them up to you... You worry about how to slot them into the cancer care treatment where you are, even more so with the covid.  I had similar with mum mid leukaemia treatment.. She got a different infusion when she moved near me.  It is really really hard.  They lose their friends when you move them, but they gain you. You lose your independence when you move them but the anxiety when you're not with them is huge.    You can't even know what to expect on their cancer journey because everyone is different.   Best wishes.