Any tips on keeping carrying on?

Hi Apple 2020, I am in exactly the same position as you and can sympathise with you so much.  My wife was diagnosed with bowel cancer in March 2019 and sadly they say it is inoperable. She, like your partner, has been so positive and has responded to the Chemotherapy very well. In fact, she is still doing everything she did 12 months ago: meeting up with friends for coffee / shopping / driving / cooking...basically everything as per usual. She starts a further round of Chemo on Tuesday and just says 'bring it on'. Sadly I have not had the same positive outlook even though I have tried to support her every step of the way but I have found it so difficult to accept. My wife really is my world and the thought of her not being here frightens me so much.

One thing I did was sign up to counselling sessions each week which has been helpful - just to offload to someone does help immensely. I know that talking to others is useful also but I find that difficult as I don't want to burden other people with our problems.  It's a very tough situation and I really hope you can find ways of dealing with the stresses that this brings. 

Please let me know how things go, and I can try and offer advice whenever possible.

Best wishes, Kev

Hi Kev

Many thanks for your kind and understanding reply. Like you I’ve found my soulmate and the thought of being without her is unbearable (by the way we are a lesbian couple but I’m hoping whatever views people hold about that , it’s recognised our feelings are as strong as any other couple). we’ve been together for over 30 years but I know it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been with your other half when you love someone dearly. I know what you mean about not trying to burden others with your thoughts too. We’re lucky in that we have very supportive family who care about us both and are doing there best to keep us going but they all live at some distance from us so spending actual time together can be difficult. It’s very encouraging hearing about how well your wife is managing and I hope she continues to do that and although she sounds incredibly strong I am sure you’ve been contributing to that even if you might think you haven’t. . I feel exactly like you though and are too very frightened by the thought of  life without my partner. I’ve been reading about ‘anticipatory grief’ and feel I’ve been experiencing that quite a bit. It feels like you desperately search around for something to help. would you mind me asking about the counselling sessions you have been to? Were you able to access them via your GP or something or find them yourself? I feel like that would be a positive action that could be taken   
Thanks again Kev . Sending you a virtual hug  

Hi Apple 2020, 

Thanks for your reply. I can tell from your words that you are going through the same turmoil as I am. I too have heard of 'anticipatory grief' and it is very real and exactly how I have been for many months now - so sad when I look back and realise that my wife has actually been well for most of this time...it seems such a waste of our lives but I still haven't really found a way of dealing with it.

It was my wife that suggested counselling sessions for me as she could see the problems I was having. She knew of a local centre through the church that provide a voluntary service so we went along together and discussed it with one of the counsellor's and I then signed up to it. I go once a week and it is helpful to talk but it is certainly not a complete remedy as I am still very stressed most of the time. (I find waking up in the morning is the worst time for me, as this is when the reality hits me).

I hope you can start to find ways of dealing with this - maybe we can try and help each other a little if possible. Wishing you and your soulmate partner the very best.

Sending a virtual hug right back!
Regards, Kev 

Hi , you might like to pop your post code in here to find local cancer support groups. There's also  Maggie's Centres who run courses to help with stress involved with cancer and carers; people speak very highly of them. I hope you find something soon.

Love and hugs to you both,

Hi there

not much to add to the wise words already said, other than I can understand every thought and feeling that you are going through. For me it’s my mum who is undergoing treatment for stage 3 lung cancer.  She is my best friend and one of the dearest people to me.  She is having triplet therapy, this being 2xchemo plus immunotherapy.  She was diagnosed in Dec and is due to get some updates on Monday on how she is doing, following her first scan last week.  She’s 2 rounds of treatment in and I’m praying that they will say that it’s shrinking the tumour in her lung, or at least that it is stable.  The comment you make about anticipatory grief is so accurate to describe how I felt at the time of her diagnosis, but in the 8weeks since that point I’ve tried to reframe my thinking.  I’d had a couple of months of CBT counselling earlier in the year, and this has helped my focus on the now.  It is difficult not to think about what might be, it’s only human when you love someone, but you can get support to help you deal with this awful, terrible thing that is not only happening to your lovely partner, and also to you.  I would be lying if I said that the anxiety and worry disappears when you have counselling, it’s still there, it’s the way you think about it and manage it that changes.  

sending positive vibes and love your way

nic 

Thanks for taking the time to reply and your warm thoughts.  I’ve been listening to some mindfulness meditation which has helped at night when I’ve struggled to get to sleep and know about cbt so maybe I should be more proactive at looking into that. There are a lot of self help books out there so think I’ll look into those. My thoughts go out to you and your mum and thanks for helping. 
sending you love, all things positive and hugs.