GUILTY! Guilty! guilty? :-(

We are on a similar path.

What we found helpful was to writhe down 10 things I want to do 10 things I hate 10 things I love. it doesn't have to be ten it could be one or four. but if you both do this then swap you can start to understand each others feelings and emotions. It has worked for us. Hope you can find a solution.

Hi , I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. My husband has prostate cancer too and he also won't ask for help sleeping because he won't wear a night pad; they're 'too uncomfortable', much better to make your clothes stink of urine! Somebody once said to me, 'you can take a horse to water' and I try to remember it regularly because it helps to know that I can't make him do anything he doesn't want to. Really, I'd suggest you go to see your GP and ask for help for yourself and see what support is available. I wonder whether your doctor might make a house call? I know they don't often but it's worth asking to get some help for your husband. Please don't think you are being 'small-hearted'; you're not at all, you are perfectly normal and we all need a rant sometimes although I know just what you mean, it's easy to feel mean when really we just expect too much of ourselves. Have you ever dropped into The Room? You can go in there and rant and rave to your heart's content then just close the door and feel the weight lift.

It's also very important for you to get out, for the sake of your own sanity. Are there any local groups you could belong to, or a cancer support group where you could get some face to face support? My husband doesn't need constant care so I can go out often and I go to several groups where I can chat and forget it all for a while; I couldn't survive without them. Do let me know how you get on.

Love and hugs,

Thank you Pabbs for your help.  I gave it a go but he's not up for doing anything :-(  I'm kind of hoping that getting back into his beloved veg patch and digging it over - even if only 10 mins a day, will help lighten him up.  He misses his gardening a lot. 

I hope you both are overcoming the glitch, and when the sun starts shining again, all will seem brighter... 

Hi there,

I really feel for you. And I just wanted to reach out and say that you are not an invisible carer. I am sure you are doing the best you can all day every day. And I am sure your partner knows/understands that as well. This illness is so difficult to live with for both the one with the disease and the ones caring for them. It would be wonderful if he could go to his GP and ask for some light antidepressants but, as you say, you can't force him. Wishing you a lot of strength! Mel.

Hi LoobyLou49.  Thanks for your response. 

Just being able to 'talk' about the dreaded Pads is a help!  Partner's given up on the 'Walk Of Shame' to the toilet 10 times a night and now has a 'guzzunder'.  He reckons pads leak at night and as they're so expensive, it's a relief not to have to buy so many.  The weeing isn't as bad now - at one time it was around 20 times a night and he didn't sleep, now 9 months on, it's around 5 times a night and he's cat-napping in between.  Yes, he too can stink of pee. The Big Problem of the moment is the effect Hormone jabs are having - hot flushes.  Anyone thinking it's cold only has to stand near him and it's like a blast of central heating! and they're going on constantly, so a trip to the GP will have to happen if he wants help (but I doubt he'll go). 

I've not been to The Room, so thank you for telling me.  I will visit soon.  There are no local support groups, but I'm not really 'in' to meeting up anyway, but I do find these chat lines so helpful.

Better go, another pile of washing up awaits me in the kitchen! :-)

Well, you're describing my husband to every last detail! I agree with one of the other replies, in that it's important to go out, away from the house and everything it embodies. I also have joined groups, or will go out for a bike ride on a nice day. I feel guilty, but I feel I have to have something to support me and my mental health, not just for now, but for once he's passed away. I need some stake in the future, I don't want to tumble into a deep dark well of depression and grief. I've given up trying to get him to take better care of himself. I do my best for him, but have realized that I am important too. Not sure if this is of any help, I seem to have rambled off piste somewhat! Good luck, you're not alone. Xx