Unwritten cancer side effects

She is probably frightened frustrated and maybe a bit envious . Its the diesease not the person and she cant really help it .Having said that you should not give in to emotional blackmail you are entitled to spend time with your husband .Is there a friend or neighbour or relation that could sit with your mum when you go out with your husband ? Are you under a palliative care team maybe they could have a word with mum and explain for you to look after her efficently you need a break. Its not easy but you do have to have a break your husband sounds lovely its lucky he is understanding .I know Marie Curie does a sitting service .How does she manage when you are at work .?Stick to your guns two hours a week isnt much to ask. Good luck hope you can resolve it lots of hugs x

Hello Granny Sue, 

I know it’s not my mum and I don’t want to come across as selfish. I am genuinely trying to juggle everything. Mum doesn’t get upto much whilst I am at work and she is still potteringaround and is very good at making me a list of what she needs me to do that day. 
she doesn’t want any help from external sources and hasn’t told very many people about her diagnosis - which I respect. She has fallen out with friends (over silly issues) and I just want to explain to them the reason behind it and why she is probably behaving the way she is but she is adamant no one is to know... I have to respect this regardless of my thoughts on it.

I just feel so guilty and torn - I spend more time with mum than my husband each week and I get such a difficult time of her when we go for a bite to eat once a week - I don’t know how to get through to her that I need 1) time out and 2) to give some time to My husband. She just won’t listen BUT is happy to tell people I am off out and she has a list of things to do.... 

takes next back to when my husband was taken into hospital and in intensive care for a week. The day he was taken in my ambulance I had agreed to tidy one of her cupboards. Obviously he was critically ill so I said I was waiting in the hospital to find out what was happening... and all she said was  “when will you do my cupboards then?” 

You are not selfish at all your mum is very lucky to have you .Im afraid people get very insular with cancer and forget there is an outside world you are doing your best and have nothing to reproach yourself for .The other thing you can do is ring the helpline and see if they have any suggestions but I think you have to do something for yourself as its important and your relationship with your husband is too .If some people know about your Mum maybe one of them could sit with her and you could have your night out . Is she having palliative care or involved with hospice yet ? As she is terminal she may be able to access the local hospice its a g.p referral .My husband until recently went once a week to a day service and it was a great help . Keep posting we are here for you and I wish you well x

Granny sue - thank you so much for listening to me - you genuinely will never know how much it means to me to just rant and not feel judged.  Thank you so so much  cxxxx 

Claire - You began your post with an apology when you have nothing to apologise for. You sound like a brilliant daughter and as Granny Sue said - She is probably frightened frustrated and maybe a bit envious . Its the disease not the person and she cant really help it .

But she putting a terrible strain on you and your marriage behaving as if nothing you do is good enough. All the suggestions here are great and getting some help would be good, but  - Self Care Is Not Selfish - you and your husband deserve time alone and a meal out once a week is -  none of her business!!

She's ill, and you are doing your best to look after her and are working full time - just say, 'We're going out to dinner as usual, Mum' and 'I'll do your jobs when I get back/have time etc' and ignore all the backbiting it atttracts. She'll do it anyway so you might as well. If she knows her comments aren't upstting you she might keep them to herself. I'm sure friends and family know you well enough to be aware of what you do for your Mum - and understand.

Stop worrying about how people will perceive you - you are doing a stirling job and your husband comes first, just as your father most likely came first with her. [Apologies if I have got that bit wrong ]

Time with your husband is precious please keep enjoying your  'dinner date'.   Try not to feel guilty, easier said than done, believe me I know!

Hi this is my first comment, I am an only child caring for my dad (mum died a few years ago) who has primary liver cancer and it has spread to his lungs. 
I work full time and have 3 children the youngest of which is 4. And a very supportive husband 

my dad hasn’t told anyone of his diagnosis not a single person. He completely denies it’s happening.

he seems to have deteriorated this week gone from being very independent to needing a lot of help dressing and getting out of bed.

im trying to juggle everything, professional carers started today he hates them and has repeatedly refused anything saying his daughter will do it later!

im worried whether I should just stop working I am entitled to sick dependant leave and spend every minute with him. But I love my job it’ takes my mind off how sad I am

so hard to know and I’m obsessing about how long have we got left 

Hello.....

Yours is a tough dynamic indeed. I can see your options, there are always consequences to any given situation and you are the only one who can take the decisions at hand. I can only say that I took a lot of time off of work in 2019 to care for my mum whom I adore.....when I returned to work I was so glad that I did because I was able to move my mental focus onto something other than life with cancer. In my work I benefited from talking with colleagues and others about other things and I really liked the fact that I was removed from discussions about health and cancer / care etc etc. My days were not easy but may be a little lighter than the alternative option. Going to work also gave me a structure and a reason to dress nicely / wear make up and all. When I first returned to work I felt like I was faking it as I smiled against my true wishes.......but my role was so so busy that it just swept me away and before I knew it I was concentrating on something other than cancer.

All of us have circumstances which are very unique to us. I am currently off of work looking after mu mum again........you must decide in accordance with your heart......I send you my best wishes xx

Thanks for that, I appreciate you taking the time to reply. I think at the moment I’m just a bit of a dither about everything. Hope you are doing well.

lisa