Hi. I care for my husband who has incurable oesophageal and liver cancer. When he was having palliative chemo, I was quite positive we would expand his life a few more months or maybe 1 or 2 years. I had the usual sadness, anger, I felt cheated etc. Sadly chemo just made him more poorly and didn't work. My feelings and thoughts changed.
It's really hard to write, as I feel so guilty from the thoughts I have. I'll try to explain.
Some days I think, 'why us and I love you so much I can't live without you'.
Some days I think 'I'm fed up waiting, when are you going to die'. And worse than that I think 'until you die, I can't plan any future'. And one more thing, I can't complain about a bad hip, or any pain or getting old, I'm 55, because I have the luxury of getting old.
It's so awful because half of me means it, well I think I mean it.
In my mind I do plan a future, I've started getting organised like a spring clean. I look at moving house. I've started thinking about the funeral arrangements and so on.
Is this normal? I feel such a cow. I love him so much, he's my rock and my heart.
Does anyone get what I am saying?
