Caregiver Depression

Oh god yes, it's normal in my eye's just due to the huge stress it puts both sides through. Me and dad often shout and scream. Same when mum had it. must admit im the one that loses it most often. My suicidal thoughts plague me many times a day. But my mother day before she passed from the big c promised me to look after dad. I would have anyway. So Im not going anywhere before him. After if and when he goes im free to go, but for you I would NOT recommend it. you have kids you can't put them through it. I have nothing apart from dad so makes no difference to anyone. You have come this far all these years no point in backing out now. I  wish I could walk away but in reality that's not an option for me. I can't and won't quit for my dad. Even tho im struggling like fuck, cooking cleaning,shopping well everything is on my shoulders. Don't give up take a day at a time even a hour at a time. You have kids even thou I assume they are now adults. I know many people (im one that would of loved to of had kids) but couldn't/haven't. Try to be grateful for the small things you already have. Sadly one day it will all be over and it will seem like it went in the blink of an eye!. Yes angry shouting screaming swearing at each other is all part of this shit for many of us, roll with the punches. Shout and scream in the end both sides know it's an impossible situation with no right or wrong answers, we can only do our best. Don't give up or in you have come this far!. Oh and my anger gets stupid the amount of doors I have punched through is costing me a small fortune!. 

Dear Ellisael

I think I'd worry more if you didn't feel sad and depressed. Cancer changes everything in your life, and very quickly too.  Even though it is my husband who has a incurable brain tumor (GBM), I'm going through everything with him. At times, the cancer separated us.  We suffered individually, alone. Now, we try to talk about all our feelings, even the really bad stuff.  I don't expect him to shelter me, and I don't shelter him.  We are stronger, together. Does that sound like a really bad Spice Girls song?   

It's not easy. We still have bad dreams, anxiety, sadness and very low days.  Despite the seriousness of our situation, we still joke about his tumor. I named it Roger, as in Roger the Tumor.

Also, please know, I sometimes resent my lot. My husband was not supposed to get sick. That wasn't what I signed up for.  I didn't want to be a carer again.  I'd done it once, did not want it do it again.

Cancer didn't make me an angel.

Love and Peace

Anger, yes. Suicide, absolutely.  During a particularly anxious hospital visit I once asked my husband's doctor to please shoot me in the head, it would be kinder. For some reason, she threatened to call the social worker. 

I'm sorry you feel disloyal by talking to your friends about your situation. I feel, with cancer, all bets are off. You are fighting for survival, better to be disloyal and alive, than loyal and successful in suicide.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Of course your husband is angry, but (drug side effects aside) is this an excuse to be a complete arse?  Hopefully this Online Community will help you.

Peace and love

Hi, my husband ages 46 has been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer .. we are awaiting scan results to see if chemo and immunotherapy is helping in any way ..

I have done a intro to meditation class which has helped me.. I haven’t really got any insights but always looking for people in similar position to have a chat to .. 

Hi.. my husband has also been diagnosed with Lung Cancer stage 4 and he’s been having 3 week cycles of chemo and immunotherapy. On his first scan it was good news as there was no disease progression and he didn’t have too many side affects. What I’m struggling with is living with hope whilst also preparing myself for a life without him. It’s so hard having to get your affairs in order when he’s still very much here. We’re now waiting to see if my husband can have treatment again next week. He has terrible pain in his shoulder and doctors have increased his morphine. This has added to his fatigue, he’s often so low and depressed and picking at the slightest thing.., worried sick if there’s a sticky mark on the side he’ll catch a virus from it. Sometimes I flip because I feel he’s being over cautious but then he’s bound to be frightened as a virus could be life threatening to him. To cope I have found myself distancing myself from him when he’s angry or upset. This is my way of dealing with things. I’m trying to make use of the time he’s resting catching up with close friends and yoga. It’s hard coz we so close and always did things together. Sometimes I feel guilty doing these things. I won’t jog coz we used to jog together. I’m starting counselling soon hope this helps. Hope meditation helps you Issy40. All the best with your husbands scan results. X

Hi Issy,

My husband too has lung cancer; he was on immunotherapy but at the last scan, we were told it was not working and there were more tumours on the lungs! So he will be starting chemo next week! 

I do find meditation helps to get me centred for a while but I do fall back into fear and anxiety about the future!  I intend keeping up meditation and praying! 

It is so hard isn't it to see your husband suffering and not knowing what the future holds? I also am aware that although friends and relatives are there for me, they do not understand how I feel as they are not carling for a loved one with cancer!

I pray that your husband's scan results are good and the treatment is working!

If you need to chat, please email me back!

Lily

Hi ladies, my husband has stage 4 lung cancer! Awaiting treatments not sure what yet! We have been given hopes that immunotherapy is the gold star now if he is suitable! I can not arrange his first oncology appointment to be there as I am in a new job and they won’t give me a weeks notice to book a day off! Communication is poor and I have so many questions that I can not get answers for! I have just rang pals to an oh dear but I can not complain, my husband has to! He won’t because he is scared too! Initially he had two xrays which missed the tumour clearly seen two weeks later from an unrelated admission, only a side effect of a new tablet revealed this! I am so angry with the attitudes we have received with the exception of one specialist nurse and I have frankly lost total confidence in the hospital which I trained in!! I am incredibly stressed and not supported! He is I denial. I am not sure I even want to see him suffer treatment with an inevitable death! I would rather he had quality of life for a few months by a miserable year! Is that wrong? 

Dear Iola

I know just how you are feeling. We/ he has been on the cancer train for five years now, and it just seems like a never ending journey which gets worse and worse.

in the last couple of months, my husband has also become extremely angry and bad tempered, to the point where I sometimes wish I could just walk out of the house and never come back. Every little thing which goes wrong somehow seems to be my fault, even when (for example , someone beats him to a parking space) it cannot possibly be. Even if I am not directly blamed, the rage and frustration in the room is ghastly. The raised voice, the looks of hatred, the unkind words.....its just awful. His discourse at meals is always of how incompetent or stupid other people and institutions are. Nothing is right.

I thought we were coping pretty well until recently. I can honestly say that I have never, ever, expressed any disappointment or resentment at the curtailment of our previous pleasures  or activities that his condition has entailed. I'm not saying this as a badge of virtue, just that I have tried to avoid any triggers that would make him feel sad or guilty. Quite often I pretend that the reason we cannot do something, for example, go and see someone is because I am not up to it. I would have said that his perseverance and determination were a source of real admiration to me.

 I am getting to the end of some sort of tether at the moment. I don't want to live luxuriously, I don't expect sunshine and flowers all the way, but I don't think I have deserved this constant carping  , nagging criticism and the explosions of rage and hatred. It's not resentment that I feel,  it's fear. Sometimes I just wish I could not wake up to another day of trepidation and sorrow.

theres no use trying to talk to him about it,,or suggesting that he talks to anyone else. As far as he is concerned, he is above criticism, he has just had the misfortune to be saddled with a stupid , incompetent  possibly malicious waste of space. So I don't have any advice, I'm afraid, but I hope it helps to know that you are not having some hideous extraordinary experience, and that everyone else is walking off into the rainbow, loving and together in spite of everything.

Hi there, I know exactly how you feel, the looks of hatred and the all or nothing stand. If he can't do exactly what he wants then he won't do anything. He wants to go on holiday but doesn't lift a finger in the house and has me running around. I do understand it must be hell for him, but we have feelings too. Over the last couple of weeks though things have improved a little as he gets weaker, he has cuddled me at night whereas before I couldn't go near him in case I touched his bloated and uncomfortable stomach. He has even said he appreciates everything I do. I hope you also get moments of affection and appreciation in the near future. Stay strong and know that you are not to blame xxx

Hi there, I know exactly how you feel, the looks of hatred and the all or nothing stand. If he can't do exactly what he wants then he won't do anything. He wants to go on holiday but doesn't lift a finger in the house and has me running around. I do understand it must be hell for him, but we have feelings too. Over the last couple of weeks though things have improved a little as he gets weaker, he has cuddled me at night whereas before I couldn't go near him in case I touched his bloated and uncomfortable stomach. He has even said he appreciates everything I do. I hope you also get moments of affection and appreciation in the near future. Stay strong and know that you are not to blame xxx