Caregiver Depression

FormerMember
FormerMember
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Hello, folks,

I am new to this beautiful, safe and supportive community. I am Lisa and I used to work as a graphic designer for a small educational start up. Used to develop designs for K12 syllabus and stuff. My fiance was diagnosed with lung cancer. The usual small squabbles about fulfilling our engagement into a wedded affair turned to long visits to hospitals and frankly just so much new information and learning. I was reading tons about cancer and the medical realities and of course the chances of survival etc. The doctor was very supportive. I did find caregiving blogs especially soothing and reading others stories made me feel heard. But even though i was feeling completely supportive and in the journey, i began to feel pockets of sadness and i was feeling the need to just shut myself in my room. I was afraid that my partner was going to get a wind of this. That was when i also began reading psychology esp books that looked at motivations and stressors of depression and anxiety like Psychological Science when i found description of caregiver depression and it started making sense to me. I am now attempting to walk the thin balance of not feeling guilty but also offering support without overextending. IT is so difficult. I was looking to see if someone could share their insights if they have gone through it too?

  • Hi Niobe

    I am getting this from my 25 year old son  its constant criticism bickering and kinder I am to him worse I get it back. Its killing me 

    Xx

    Hayley 
  • It's all part of it im afraid. Me and dad argue daily. The truth is you can't do anything to change it. Just be happy knowing your doing your best that's all you can do, and after a tiny bit of time all others around will realize that. Just roll with the punches do your best. When im at one of my lowest points I think of those kids you see on TV that are full time carers at 9,10,11,12 years old. Then I think, fuck how the hell do they cope. Your son is just angry that you can't cure or do anything to change the situation. He will see you as mum the person in his life that can sort out and do anything and make things better. it seems to me he's scared and doesn't fully understand the impossible situation your in. I also remind myself how would I feel if I was dying!. Try to be happy you have a son and happy for the tiny things in life you may have. All I have now is my dad that is dying, in my eyes he can do and say what ever the fuck he wants after all he's dying. What also works for me is punching the doors, when I get a good punch in and take the door down in one or punch straight through it in one it's instant relief. Not very lady like for you but who knows may work for you. it's only a door not a person. Then you can go out buy another takes your mind of things. What im trying to say I suppose is DON'T bottle up your anger. Have a word with your son be honest and frank straight to the point. Find a way to vent your anger. Be strong before you know it sadly it will all be over and then you would give anything to be with them for just 5 minutes.

    Be strong.

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember in reply to FormerMember

    Oh I understand the rage, the blame, the constant criticism. I too had thoughts of suicide at times, however I often think if he dies then the mental torment is over. Then I feel like utter shit for almost wishing death on him. 

    We are human and the diagnosis, treatment, side effects are life changing. During treatment hes lovely and we are close however he has now been diagnosed with depression and refusing medication. This feels never ending but the end will come.

    Reach out to your friends, your family, caring is often a burden and one you shouldn't shoulder alone. 

    If he wasn't unwell, I'd leave but it's the cancer that's caused the changes. The man I fell in love with has changed but so have I.

    Have counselling on your own, you are important, you are loved. 

  • So sorry to hear you are having a bad time .. I could literally weite similar regarding my husbands anger . Like you say angry at me it feels in the mau. But also like you say to drivers when out and about .

    try and talk with your friends and tell it like it really is you can always say you u sweated why he is doing it by then at least they maybe able to help try and support you more .

    keeping quiet won’t help you deal with it. Please message if u want. Chat. Ps my husband has stage 4 lung cancer 

  • It's awful. My 25 year old son seems to take it out on me. The sarcasm the sniping.  The nicer kinder I am the worse I get it. 

    Hope things improve for you 

    Hayley

    Hayley 
  • Hi 

    I didn't make it clear it's my son who has it not husband.  He was diagnosed 25 August with Acute lymphoblastic leukaemia.  Graduated July then this shit 4 weeks later. 

    Bone marrow transplant on the cards. 

    Think I may be on the wrong thread 

    Hayley x

    Hayley 
  • We all go through it...patient/carer it's all shit to be honest 

    Hayley 
  • I try to remember my husband as he was Before Cancer or just BC as l call it. Whoever the sufferer was, they still are in essence that person . My husband can be grumpy  something which he never used to be. I never take it personally.