Feeling grumpy tired and resentful

Hi  

You’re not selfish, you’re exhausted. Taking a bashing from cancer caring is no laughing matter. Unless people have been through it they can’t begin to understand how hard it is. ‘Snapping out of it’ simply isn’t possible. You need support. Most GP surgeries have cared support groups and your husband’s specialist nurse will be able to help too. 

You’ve taken the first step in asking for help, good for you. Get on the phone tomorrow and ask for support and therapy. Believe me, you are not alone.

love and hugs

Hi 

First of all, can I welcome you to the online community and the carers only group and I'm sorry that you've had to find us but I hope we can give you some help and support as we go along.

Secondly my sincere apologies for taking so long to respond to and I'm sorry you've been left hanging on for so long, hopefully you won't look too badly upon us.

When we care for a loved one it can take its toll on us and understandably we get tired and exhausted which leads us to being grumpy, I'm afraid it can be quite normal. Not being able to do the things you want or need to do also can make you resentful but it doesn't mean you've stopped being the loving supportive wife you were and can still be.

Obviously you need help, do you have any family or friends to help you have a break for a few hours. In some areas charities have a befriending service where someone comes to your house and could sit with your husband for a few hours so you can go out and do your own thing and not have to worry that your husband is okay. You don't even need to go out you could disappear into another room with a coffee and a book for a few hours or even sleep in the chair and you've don't have to feel guilty about doing it

If you speak to your GP about how you are feeling and ask if he can arrange help for you through your local County Councils Adult Social Care Team and get an assessment on both of you, please note, I did say both of you as without help you are going to burn yourself out and could make yourself ill meaning you can't look after your husband  and where would he be then.

Have a look at the following

Social care and support guide

Read about how to get

Needs Assessment for your husband

Carers Needs Assessment for yourself.

The way I look at the above you have someone who understands what people are going through and will try and suggest things to make life easier for you and will put you on their radar for the future. At the assessment they probably will suggest ways that you can get some financial help and arrange for someone to come to your home and complete any paperwork, remember benefits to help you are not charity, most are not means tested but exist to help make life more comfortable and are an entitlement.

If you pop yourself over to Head and neck cancer forum group page and introduce yourself to the members my friend chris2012 will give you any advice you need if you ask him a question.

However, in the carers only group you have found a safe haven where you can come at anytime for a rant or rave, and who doesn't need to let off steam every so often or just come in for a chat  we're quite a friendly crowd and are very supportive towards each other and never judge anyone, we're just sympathetic as most have felt the same as you at one time or another.

Do I think you are a grumpy selfish wife, certainly NOT, YES you are tired and you just need a little bit of help to get you back to being a loving supportive wife again and stop you being exhausted.

Please keep in touch with me and let me know if I can be of any more help to you but please do seek help as soon as you can.

If you want to chat I'm here for you.

Your own well-being is at stake.

Ian

By clicking on any of the green text above will open up new pages for you.

Dear Ian, thank you for your lovely detailed reply. After reading your

Dear Ian, thank you for your lovely detailed reply. After reading your history, it makes me feel even worse. How selfish am I when I see what you and others are having to go through, not as carers or loved ones, but as the individual living with their illnesses, sometimes in curable.

I will go onto the other pages you have suggested, especially their head and neck and throat link, I’m not the best with technology.

My husband has a very good chance, percentagewise, of survival. Whilst this is all brilliant, it doesn’t really make life any more easier going thru ‘the gruelling journry’ 

We will get there.

I read with interest, and take note everything you have suggested and thank you again for finding the time to reply to me.

i wish you all the best xx

Hi I totally understand what you are going through about wanting your old life back and am very sure your husband would feel the same ..it's so very hard ..things we all take for granted like being able to drink eat and talk ...it's a long hard rd 

Does your husband feel like going anyware even a wee trip to shops might help ..can he be left alone ...do you have a garden that you could potter about in ..Hopefully things will get better for you both soon ...I have been there x

Just to add to the gist of everyone else. You have been brave & honest in reaching out as you have done and I hope the advice & links will enable you to get help & support.  This is a lonely & frightening experience often with family & friends unable to reach out for fear of knowing what to say or do. Grab all the help you can & do so in the knowledge that it is the right thing to do & you deserve it. Remember that we all cope differently - a recent article talked about stress & that it is not the stress itself but how we cope; so stress a piece of glass & it will break, but try & stress a piece of string & it will not. Dealing with this is the same. Good luck & keep talking & reaching out.

Dear 

I'm every so sorry that my profile has made you feel worse, I hadn't thought that it could do that to anyone and it wasn't my intention

You are definitely not selfish you are going through a life changing experience and feel as if your world is falling apart but you are feeling this way because you are tired and exhausted and no one can fault you on that.

This is why we have a carers only group where we can all come together and discuss our problems and yes it is sometimes easier to be open and frank with strangers than it is with relatives and friends and you know that any advice you get will be from someone exactly like you who is experiencing  and feeling the same as you.

Please dont judge yourself to be selfish it's a hard task that you have to face daily and of course you will have a little wobble occasionally, who doesn't  but come tomorrow and the days after you will be still the loving caring wife you've always been and no one can take that away from you.

You are telling us that your husband has a good chance of survival and that in itself is something to look forward to and give you hope and that can't be selfish can it knowing that you've played a very big part in your husbands recovery programme

To get onto the Head and neck cancer forum group page is very simple, click on the green text (link) and this will open up the groups home page where you'll see near the top Join this group click on it and you're all ready to start reading the current discussions or start you own like us in the carers only group everyone is very friendly and they'll answer as best they can any questions you have and as you find in all the Mac family groups no question is ever thought to be silly or stupid if you ask a question its meaningful to you.

Feel free to join us for a chat at anytime time don't wait until you're feeling down we like the good news stories as well.

Thanks for asking me to be a friend, I'm available to chat at anytime on there as well  just click on my username in your friends list, which you can access by clicking on the two silhouette heads at the top of the page and we can start chatting.

Hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

Take care.

Ian

Hello Sinkorswum , please do not put yourself down as so often the carer goes through as much if not more than the patient, he will be tired as all these operations and treatment after really do take it out of the body, plus any drugs he is on. I can say that he will slowly but surely improve if all goes well. Sometimes you can overdo things yourself, so maybe you could ask for a nurse to visit to take some of the pressure of you, either by going through Macmillan or your husbands G.P, you must look after yourself so you can maybe go out or just un-wind in you own way. Im sure your husband does not think you are any of these things and perhaps he thinks you are overdoing things. All i can say is there is light at the end of the tunnel as i found out, it took me a bit longer but i got there with the help of my wife,  family and of course the great N.H.S . If you find you are getting worse then please get help, counselling is another good option. If you need anymore help on the head and neck side please re-post and we will do oiut utmost to help you and your husband through it. Wishing you all the best, take care.

                                                                                              Chris x