Guilt

Hi welcome to the community.

It is often amazing how trying to put our emotions into words helps to clarify things. Together you made a difficult but totally sensible decision about his treatment and nobody can know what would have happened if a different decision had been made.

One thing is sure you stood by him for 12 years and I am sure he was not alone, your spirit would have been beside him.

In the UK we have a couple of really good charities who support the bereaved but I am not sure of support that might be available to you in the US.

Hope your recovery continues as well as possible.

<<hugs>>

Steve

Please, don't torture yourself any more. As Steve said, you were beside him through thick and thin, I have no doubt in my mind that he knew how much you loved him and knew that you were there in thought and spirit, just as we who read your post are with you. You have done everything you could and more. And although you know it yourself it's always good when people confirm it, and I am sure everyone does. As care givers I think we all suffer from guilt, my partner isn't eating and I feel guilty watching him loose weight, but I know I have contacted everyone who can help. I really hope that you can relax and take time for you and feel proud of the love and care you gave to your husband xx

Thank you - and best of luck to your husband, I hope he begins gaining weight soon.  It's so worrying to see someone wasting, I hope he thinks of some dishes he really, really wants to eat, to do your heart and his heart good.

Thank you!

I'm fortunate that there's a therapist who works with my cancer center near my home, but I think I am entering the period when being part of a grief group might be helpful.

Thank you for thinking of us, unfortunately he always has an excuse not to eat whatever is offered. The doctors have tried different meal supplements /replacements which are fine for a couple of days and then there is a reason why they are not suitable. Things are too dry, tasteless, taste awful, the tin is too big,, he doesn't like milk heated in a microwave, too rich, anything and everything. I have told him it doesn't matter how much of any thing he eats as long ashe eats something. He used to love my cooking and food in general. He used to be a big man. Some days I cope well with it other days I feel angry and often just so very, very sad. I do hope you get the support you think may help you, sorry to go on about my problems. Wishing you well and keep posting if it's helpful xx

When Bill was like this with food I just made myself food as usual asked him what he would like and if he didnt want anything then I tried to just show it didnt bother me .He eventually did eat  again but it was on his own terms .Now when he isnt well and dosent eat I just accept it .I know one day he will not want food anymore but that is his choice. When he was waiting for his oesphagectomy he had a feeding peg he absolutely hated that so if at some point he cant eat he wont tolerate one of those . Its hard for you as cooking for our loved ones is such a joy  As is  going out for a meal which we dont do anymore its just too difficult as Bill cant have normal size portions anymore and he dosent like having smaller portions ordered . So many changes. really hard to accept sometimes .You look after yourself you have been so kind to many people  on  here myself included . Lots of hugs xx

Thanks granny sue, you are so right, cooking for others is such a joy, that has been taken, along with , like you, going out for food.. I have threatened Ken with a naso gastric tube and peg feeding as I know he would absolutely hate that. It was just to try to get him to eat as he thinks the doctors have a magic cure to help him eat and I would have thought that if they did they would have used it by now. Don't know weather to suggest steroids again or if they could increase his ammitryptaline. They said last time I asked that they didn't feel steroids would help.

I try to reply to people who post here because although just writing things down is helpful it is always nice, I think, to have your posts acknowledged. Sometimes we can help a lot but can just say, I hear you, and you are doing well. Sometimes I wonder if I write too much but I think if I can make someone feel a bit better then it helps me too. I have had such lovely support from you and others. Thankyou for your hugs, they are always welcome. Hope things are as good as they can be and even better love pam

Hi,When my mother first came home from 3months in hospital after a brain haemorrhage it was really hard.She had been vomiting for so long and had lost her sense of taste and smell.Mum was so thin and really wasn't eating much.It did worry me a great deal but I just cooked whatever she fancied,sometimes in the early hours of the morning.I suppose it was easier for us as there were no diet restrictions, but it was tough going at times.On one occasion my partner spent ages picking the bones out of a supposedly boneless piece of cod for her,only to find that mum had changed her mind about eating it.The cats enjoyed it instead.Now I have cancer and am not looking after mum at present, I miss her and feel guilty she is stuck in a home.Best wishes to you all Jane x

Hi Jane, you have been a wonderful help to your mum. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty for. You must make sure that you look after yourself before you can look after anyone else. I do hope that your treatments are going well,. I hope I don't sound like a sergeant major, but I feel so sad when you say you feel guilty. Wishing you all good things, love pam x

Hi Pam,Thank you so much for your lovely message.I haven't had any treatment yet.I'm supposed to be having my bladder removed soon.I'm hoping that eventually I can get back to caring again,I do miss looking after mum.Love Jane X