Hi, I’m new to this group (unfortunately, I guess...)
My Mum has been battling breast cancer for 14 years. We have done the whole shooting gallery of cancer:mastectomy, reconstructions, undiagnosed bone tumour, broken leg, liver mets, lung mets, aggressive chemo with horrific side effects, herceptin injections etc etc and she has been incredible throughout. Always tackling issues head-on, keeping her sense of humour and jumping each hurdle as it came.
Sadly, she had a seizure last October and it turned out the cancer has metastasised to the brain. She endured radiotherapy - lost all her hair for the 2nd time and has been on anti-epilepsy drugs ever since. She has battled hard but this hurdle is too high. The tumour is on her visual cortex so she has very poor vision: no TV, no crosswords and no reading which has been very hard. Her mobility is now so impaired that she needs someone to walk with her and her zimmer at all times and can no longer manage stairs, which has led to a hospital bed being installed downstairs. The consultant told me 6 weeks ago (but not my parents as both said they did not want to know) that she has a few months left.
I am a teacher living 500 miles away with two primary school age children. My husband lives overseas Sunday to Friday each week so I am essentially a single parent. I have been shuttling up and down to Scotland every 2/3 weeks since October. As soon as school finished, I threw the kids in the car and we have been here ever since. So now, I find myself being a full-time carer for my Mum (I sleep downstairs with her and do all personal care and cooking) whilst also trying to keep kids amused (they don’t know anyone here) and my husband is flying to see us at weekends. My Mum is doing ok, sleeping a lot but eating well and loving the kids being here for company and cuddles.
i have found the last year incredibly stressful and I’m exhausted with trying to hold everything together but I am determined to do everything I can to spend as much time with my mum as I can and to do absolutely everything I can to help her keep going as long as possible. The only problem is my Dad......
He is a typical Scottish man of a certain generation. My mum has run this ship for 55 years allowing him to get away with doing absolutely nothing in the house. He basically sits watching backtobackTV quiz shows, doing crosswords and eating biscuits all day. Since my mum has been immobilised, he has taken to emptying bins and unloading the dishwasher in the morning but that’s it. My Mum’s sister lives in the town and has been amazing at helping my mum since she came out of hospital 6 weeks ago but my Dad hasn’t stepped up his game at all. I find it so frustrating that he doesn’t try harder to help my mum, to talk to her, to cuddle her or just even hold her hand. Instead, he rolls his eyes when she spills her tea, tuts if she says she’d like a biscuit as he has “just sat down” and gets annoyed with her when she gets mixed up. It really upsets me to see him be like this but the thing I am struggling to cope with is his drinking.
He has always been a heavy drinker - but never a drunk. He has always had what he calls his ‘morning’ ( a nip in a pub before lunchtime) and has always gone for a ‘pint’ (that usually means two halves and probably 4 nips of whiskey) at teatime. His little ‘game’ was that he always denied going and my Mum just put up with it. It ruined many a night out they were meant to be having or family events and caused God knows how many arguments but it was just something to put up with in an otherwise very good marriage. It has always annoyed me - I found it selfish as a child and even more so as an adult - and as he has gotten older, and can’t handle the booze so well, it has annoyed me even more. I particularly hate the cat and mouse part of it.
Anyways..... since I arrived three weeks ago, he has been worse than ever. Sneaking out to drink when he can, sits saying nothing all day, pretends to go for a ‘paper’ at 5 and comes back with a stupid grin then tries to chat nonsense to my mum (often about people he has ‘bumped into’ who have cancer tales that my mum very definitely does not want to hear). Then he will pour himself more drinks before falling asleep in the chair for a couple of hours before bed. Usually a couple of beers but a couple of nights ago, he had at least 4/5 rums and last night, despite saying for the last 30 years that he hates wine, he had a bottle of red wine - it was the nearest thing on the table. That affected his allergies and brought on an asthma attack that I had to deal with at 10.30pm whilst trying to get my 2 kids and my mum to bed.
He has coughed all night, keeping me awake and will doubtless get up and ask me to take him to the doctors. I just don’t have any sympathy for him. Everyone used to say I was too hard on him as he was ‘going through a lot’ but now they are losing patience with his selfish, thoughtless ways too.
In the past, I have tried to talk to him about how the drinking affects things now that Mum is so ill. I’ve tried being calm, being sympathetic, being upset, being angry. He always says sorry but never changes anything. I don’t think I can look at him this morning. I have to leave in 3 weeks to go back to work/get kids back to school. My kids have given up so much this Summer: holidays, trips, friends and have done it with such good grace. My son starts a new school next month and we have barely mentioned it. Their behaviour makes me feel even angrier with my Dad.
He says he will do the caring when I leave (with the help of carers morning and evening) but I can’t trust him to behave and I am so worried for my Mum that he won’t do it well. I’ve tried to explain my concerns to him but he gets very defensive and angry.
Sorry for mega-long (albeit cathartic) post.
Don't know what to do.....
