Making Difficult Choices

Hi so sorry to read this and glad you shared as there will be lots of people in a similar situation.

If it helps my wife's family in a similar situation ended up with her father in a care home. With my parents we even had to split them up as with dementia like illness we could not trust dad and mum alone.

I am sure your mum was the proudest of proud when you got the PhD and would want you to be happy above everything, I hope you find the support you both need.

<<hugs>>

Steve

Hi magpie101, so sorry to hear about your dilemma. Just to say I agree with Steve and your therapist, you are not being selfish in wanting your life back. You can't destroy yourself struggling alone. No matter if you feel your mum would look after you, the truth is she has had the opportunities you wish for. You say she may have dementia, I  think that if she didn't have this problem there would be no way in earth she would allow you to be her carer and miss out on life. Maybe there is an alternative to putting her into a care facility, even if she does, it doesn't mean you won't be there at all for her. There needs to be a fairer balance. I hope you  have access to and are getting all the support there is. You are obviously a wonderful daughter with a huge heart and should be proud of everything you have achieved. This is just what I think I hope it helps and others give their opinions too xxx

Hi Magpie, 

I hope you don't mind but I added you as a friend (not sure how that works on here??!). I am in a slightly similar situation to you and so can completely see where you are coming from. 

I am 33/single/childless... and struggling to care for both of my parents! My amazing Mum has secondary breast cancer and actually isn't doing too well so I'm not sure we have too long left together. My Dad has various other illnesses and seems like he will be here forever! 

Both of them need care but live separately. I work full time and do find this takes its toll. My brother and sister live far away so a lot falls on my shoulders. 

I too worry about missing out on my own life and meeting someone to start my own family. I am beginning the process of selling my flat to buy a house (hopefully!) so that I can take on the family pets when my Mum leaves us. 

Caring for Mum has its ups and (horrific) downs. 

I can't give you advice on what to do in your situation as I am still figuring out mine! I just wanted you to know that I am here living this life too and will always be happy to listen if you need it x 

Hi everyone who has replied, 

Sorry for the delay in replying. I sadly had another emergency to deal with, this time with my dog. He had to be rushed to the emergency vet at 1am Sat morning, long story short, he had a tumor on his spleen which had ruptured. He survived the op and is doing well but the vet says this is an aggressive cancer which has probably spread already and that she expects it will be his 'downfall'. My ex boyfriend is coming to visit and say goodbye to him, which I'm dreading. 

I just feel so heart broken and angry that all the things I love most are being taken away in such an horrific manner. I'm not trying to equate a dog with a person but I love him enormously and he's been my life-line during my mum's illness. 

Thanks everyone for your kind words of support, they mean a lot and are such a comfort

X

Hi Kelly sparkles, how I love that name. Just want to say reading your post made me realise what a wonderful person you are. I am 60 and looking after my partner. You are doing an amazing job looking after both parents. I salute you, I hope all good things happen for you, remember to be good to yourself xx

Hi magpie, just popping in to say I am sorry for everything that is happening at the moment. Hope everything goes as well as it can keep strong and keep in touch xx

Kelly Sparkles, I'm sure there is a way to tag people but I haven't figured it out yet, so hope you see this.

So sorry you're in a similar situation, you sound like you have a lot to juggle in life. I feel like these situations almost pit you against the person you're caring for. It's tough, we need to look after ourselves but also make choices that we can be happy with for the years ahead. I worry about carrying guilt around with me forever if I won't  try and let my mum live out her life at home. 

Are you able to see friends and have some time for yourself? 

M x

Hi Needing friends! 

What a LOVELY message! Thank you so much! I really needed to hear that today:) Little pick me ups like that can keep my world turning  I hope you're well x

Hi Magpie101, 

Yes... I dont know how to tag people either!! 

I sometimes find myself just thinking 'Why me??!' But that doesn't help... and wont help so I try not to linger on that thought. 

I do luckily have an amazing group of friends. We have know eachother all our lives so they know my Mum too which helps sometimes. How about yourself? Have you got a strong group to lean on? 

xx

Magpie101... that all sounds SO stressful! Poor you. I completely understand how you feel about your dog. I am currently in the process of selling my flat to buy a house... solely for the purpose of adopting our family cats when my Mum passes! Pets are your family just as much as people and the comfort/ distraction they bring is immense. 

Hopefully he has some quality time left with you and you can appreciate him even more :) 

(Also sorry you have to see your ex... they are not helpful in any situation!) 

xx