Friendships

Hi, No I don't think you're being selfish, far from it. U r being there for your friend but it sounds very much like one way traffic. Did u get much support from her when your partner had cancer? If so, maybe she feels  it's her "turn" in some odd way.

I hope u can somehow get through to her how hurtful her lack of response is - tho you've obviously tried to no avail so far.

I also hope other ppl will come up with some useful ideas to break this impasse between you and your friend. You sound like u have enough to cope with.

Do carry on talking on here to u n maybe contact the Helpline too : 0808 808 0000

Welcome to the online community and I'm sorry to read about your situation and I don't think you are being unreasonable to expect some reaction from your friend when you want/need to talk about your situation.

I would personally drop her an email telling her what you are going through with your partner, your frail parents whilst trying to hold down a job all of which is very draining on you and one would normally expect a good friend to be supportive towards you but obviously your friend is under the impression that her husband's condition is more important that your problems and you should be supporting her, but support is a two way street.

I am not suggesting that you cut ties with her but by being insistent and keep talking about your husband and your parents hopefully she will get the message but you should be more persistent.

But all is not lost you are a member of the Mac family and you can come on here at any time, the online community door is always open for you to walk in and let us be the support you are looking for, you can come on here to rant and rave, let off steam or just pop in for a chat and to quote your own words we don't judge anyone but will always give you a sympathetic ear and listen to you.

All of the members of this group do have their own problems but they never fail to show friendship to others with their help, support and advice when they need it and I'm sure that you'll be one of the first to help others in the group who will appreciate you taking the time to answer posts.

No matter what you decide to do there is something that you must always be aware of and that is that  you must ensure that each day you find the time to care for YOU and have some ME time, as carers we tend to push ourselves to the limit by looking after and caring for others without thinking about the strain we are under, by looking after yourself will give you the strength to care for your husband and your parents and still do everything else that life throws at you.

Please keep posting we are all here for you when you need us.

Ian

Thank you both for taking the time to reply. It is helpful to hear what you have said and it has given me something to think about.It's good to know that there are caring people out there.

Take care everyone.

Hi, I agree with everything that the others have said. Perhaps we ca be your support. . I do know that sometimes we don't realise how selfish we are being, we get so absorbed in our own personal problems and maybe she sees you as the stronger person, the ever ready shoulder to cry on. Just be assured that you are just as entitled to support as she is, don't ever doubt that x

Hi Needing friends and thank you for your reply. It sounds a bit harsh to describe yourself as selfish - I have read your profile and some of your other posts and I think that you have a most stressful and challenging situation to contend with. It's no wonder that sometimes it's hard to think of anyone or anything else.
I am slowly accepting that my relationship with my friend is moving into a new phase as she too tries to deal with things in her own way.
More than anything I feel so sad that things have changed between us. Our friendship was built on each of us being equal and unfortunately that balance has gone out of kilter. My best hope is that somehow one day we will be able to restore it a little.
It's a theme I have seen more than once on here when people say that their friends are drifting away or losing interest and I hope that I can be strong enough for her not to become one of those disappearing friends, but it's hard when I also have my own problems.
I hope that you are finding the support you need from the people around you and of course this forum. Please take care of yourself.

You are so right, so called friends do dissappear and sometimes acquaintances come up trumps. I think that you are doing exactly the right thing by accepting the shift in friendship and knowing you you are not at fault or wanting. You can still be there  for her, but your expectations from her are no longer great. Don't let her problems bring you down, or  let the unfairness of her almost uncaring attitude towards your problems  upset you. You have this forum to let off steam. Remember you are the biggest person and have been the better friend  thank you for your reply and care x

Hello - this is my first time contributing, so I hope I am replying the right way - in response to 'Is it unreasonable to expect support back ? and any thoughts':

I find it  interesting how patterns of friendships are disturbed and may change when caner & other life events and stresses take up a big place.

With your friend - I wonder if addressing the common factor between you might help. Maybe by pointing out that it is difficult and sad that you both have difficulty being there for each other because you both have so much going on in your own ways.  - I wonder if by acknowledging that this is potentially getting in the way for both of you, it might lessen the feel of it being all one way,. 

I have something a little similar with a friend  - their issues are not cancer related (but really awful), but it sometimes feels a little like a competition of who's having it worse and I need to give myself a little time to not get drawn into a pattern of just supporting them when I have things that are difficult for me too.  I have found that I have become more selective who I seek out for what, and a couple of good friends who would have been support have been relegated, another who was less likely has been one of the best.  

I hope your friendship is strong enough to carry you both through and that you have other people around to help you. 

Hello This is me.

I don't think you're unreasonable to expect a bit of support from your friend but my own experiences have shown a couple of things. The situation you find yourself in and its a demanding one, some friends can't cope with you needing support. Its a shift in the dynamic of the friendship that they can't seem able to respond to for whatever reason. It can be selfishness, inability to cope with someone else's difficulties or just do not have that type of empathy or so drained of empathy its almost like they don't have enough to go round. They also maybe so used to you being the giver that its a bit odd for them for them to change from being the receiver of support.

Some relationships change with the shifting circumstances in their life and your life.Some survive it and some don't and sometimes the relationship remains intact but in a different form. I have learnt over the years but particularly through caring for my mum that the relationships you think are the ones that will support diminish and ones you never realised where there in the wings come to the fore. I do not hang to the ones that are not two way and cherish the ones that are and I know that sounds harsh but to be a carer is also to be a survivor and a fighter, you've only so much to go round.

My philosophy with relationships is that we walk our life's path, some people come in and walk a while and some walk with you for a long time. Be grateful for all but in the circumstances you find yourself in you need to think a little more of what YOU need for support because you are supporting a lot of other people - you can't do that from an empty cup.

This forum is a fantastic outlet and support so there's a support system for you ready made! You sound like a wonderfully caring person with a big heart and i hope you find a balanced position with your friend but remember that you also need support if not from your friend then look around you, there are usually people we don't realise are there for us. Wish you well.

Hello NellieJ and catcrazy4

I would like to thank each of you so much for your kind, thoughtful and helpful comments. I am replying to both of you because you have given me so much time and consideration which means a lot.

Your messages are full of wise words, and I have come to realise that I now need to accept my friendship for what it is. That is going to be hard, but I will get there. Your advice and comments have really helped and I have re-read all the posts on this thread several times as they provide comfort in my down moments.

I find it touching and heart warming to know that this forum is full of people like you, who are trying to cope with their own struggles whilst finding it within them to share their warmth and experiences with others. There is something very cathartic about writing it all down and I thank you and everyone else who make this forum what it is.

Sending my very best wishes.

On good days I find it interesting that friendships can keep changing and evolving, and cancer and other events can trigger that. And put energy into developing and maintaining friends.

On bad days I curse and swear to myself about whose not doing sonething, anyhing, the wrong thing , rubbish things.  And trying to be generous if it's not helpful and remember they are not in my boat and I trying to expect things from them  that may not be their strength or what I need at the moment. 

I even found myself making a list of whose good at what and  this  lead to me appreciating two  people I had underestimated and was then able to adjust myself  being so fed up with a couple of others.  

I only have three relatives all who need care in someway, bo children and my partner's termubally ill so my friends are my family and future. So I do put time into keeping developing and maintaining them,  and I've learnt this year,having to adjust them as life sends the off challenge. 

Really hope you get and keep solid supportive people  around you. Even if sometimes they  disappoint.