Hello everyone,
I am coming at this from a slightly different angle and I hope that nobody minds or takes offence. I have read many of the posts on here and am so touched by all of your wisdom and honesty. I am hoping that somebody will be generous enough to try and help me.
I have a very dear best friend whose husband has incurable cancer. He has completed chemotherapy and, although at the moment he is relatively well, they have been given a timeline of 6 months to two years.
I am trying to be the best friend I can, and I hope that so far I have done OK. There is a large geographical distance between us, so most of our communication is by email, sometimes text and occasionally phone which is how she has said she prefers it. I make contact with her every day, just to let her know I am here and available to her anytime she needs me and I have reassured her that she can say anything she likes without fear of judgement or rejection. She has told me things that she says nobody else has heard and she tells me how grateful she is for my support.
My question is this : is it unreasonable of me to expect some kind of support back from her?
The background to this is that I too have serious issues going on, which previously she would have listened to and supported me with, but that has all changed. In a nutshell, my partner has also had cancer and is currently cancer free as a result of life-changing surgery. He remains vulnerable to illness and infection and is sometimes quite unwell. He has ongoing scans and tests, and like anyone else who has been through this, we live in constant hope and fear that the cancer does not return. I also have 2 frail elderly parents with dementia who take up a great deal of my time and worry, and I have a job.
I am often stressed and sometimes I get very anxious and low and look to my friend for support, but more often than not she does not reply or respond to what I have said. She seems only to be able to think about her own situation and so it feels like our previously mutually supportive friendship is no more. I am not expecting her to solve my problems, but when I recently told her that my partner was sick, she didn't even take a few seconds to send a text in reply. I am often met with silence and it really hurts because I have tried so hard to be there for her and I honestly believe that I am doing everything I can. I would love to see her, but when I gently float the idea she says things like " not at the moment" or "when things are more settled" so I have taken that as a sign not to push it any further.
I have said to her that I find it very hard when she is silent, because I miss her and worry about her, and I have also said that I don't expect huge emails every time, but a quick line, or even a short text would be appreciated.
I am wondering what to do - I have no intention of becoming a fair weather friend, but equally I am really finding it hard to deal with my own life and she was always my go to person.
What have been your experiences? Am I being selfish in expecting her to respond to me and my problems?
I would really be grateful for some honest advice as I don't want to lose her, but am not sure how much longer I can cope with her lack of contact, which feels like rejection and is very upsetting.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Sending my very best wishes to all.
