Dealing with being the emotional punchbag

Hi LuckySeven, so sorry to read of your boyfriend's incurable diagnosis. It is not long since your boyfriend's devastating diagnosis, devastating for both of you im in no doubt. A rollercoaster of emotions would of started as soon as you both heard that diagnosis. It could be that his behaviour of blame, anger and you feeling you are been pushed away could perhaps be a side effect of steroids ( I know my husband was affected by these) or perhaps understandably him struggling to cope emotionally with the situation he is in or perhaps a combination of both. The rollercoaster of emotions unfortunately from my view does not stop ( we are two years plus in with husbands incurable diagnosis) but the rollercoaster adjusts in its intensity with constant highs and lows. You say you are doing your best and im glad that you recognise this yourself as Ive no doubt you are doing your best. Its tough for you all, I hope his treatment goes well, good luck x

Thank you so much for reaching and and your kind words. You’re right, it is still early days I suppose although it feels in some ways like a lifetime ago.

I’ll take some comfort from the fact that perhaps the rollercoaster will lessen in intensity. 

Its heartbreaking to be told that I’ve failed in so many areas when I have tried so hard.

Thanks again for your generosity in sharing when you and your husband are enduring such tough times also.

xx

LuckySeven, to be told that you have failed I'm sure is awful and I'm sure not true. You are trying your best to deal with such awful life changing circumstances for you all. Ignore such comments and feelings of failure. You are doing your best x

Hi LuckySeven,

Is this a familiar story to anyone else?

Unoubtedly.

Is it the chemo?

Possibly. Some chemo can induce mood changes.

Is it the steroids?

A definite possibility.

The unasked question - is it the cancer and the fear it produces?

If you're like most couples, pre-cancer, you didn't hide things from each other (mostly - some things are best left going through to the keeper). You supported each other and made a life together.

Don't let cancer change that.

You may have the worlds best team of doctors, nurses and specialists - but the two of you are the most important people in this fight. 

Cancer is an insidious bastard that acts like a petulant teenager, demanding to be the centre of attention. Don't let it become the wall between the two of you.

The man you fell in love with is still there, but cancer insists on trying to put a layer of fear and uncertainty over everything it touches. There will undoubtedly be times that all you see is the aggression and the only thing you feel is the isolation.

This is NOT your fault.

This is not your boyfriend.

This is the cancer making him do this.

By all means, get angry. But get angry at cancer.

The man you love is still in there.

Talk to him.

Peace,
Ewen :-)

wow it is the cancer not my hubby it’s hard I don’t like the person I see at the moment 

thank you 

Thank you all for the advice and support.

Sadly, after me trying to resolve the latest rupture he has gone so far as to end out relationship completely and there is minimal support from his family.

It’s heartbreaking on all fronts. I hope, given time, sense and love will prevail.

Sending support to all this may resonate with ️

Wow, perhaps this sounds callous but try and get some rest, recharge your batteries and treat yourself to something nice during this break. I am not sure of what the circumstances are, so please ignore me if this is a totally unsuitable thing to say. As always thank you for your support and yes, it does resonate to a lesser extent xx

I am sorry but sometimes distance is the best thing .Everyone has their own way of dealing with things and sometimes they just have to get on with it .I agree with needing friends concentrate on your own life and get your head together .You have been through an emotional time and its time for you to pick up the pieces and move on . It wont be easy but stay strong and you will get through it .Nothing lasts for ever lots of hugs xx

Hi LuckySeven,

I am sorry to hear how difficult this situation has been for you.

I lost my husband to an aggressive form of prostate cancer last May. And, after having been with him on that journey for many years and caring for him during the last year of his life when his cancer spread to the liver and he had to be on Chemotherapy, I can totally relate to what you are describing. My husband too used to be withdrawan at times, his behavior cool, seemingly cut off from his own emotions and the emotions of me and the others around you, angry and resentful. I remember one day he came into the kitchen which I had just spent an hour cleaning up and saying to me, "Oh God, I could kill myself when I see the mess here! It's just not tidy enough!" I couldn't believe it! Here was I, after a long day cooking and cleaning and making sure he was all right and making new hospital appointments and whatever else, including cleaning the kitchen, and this was what he had to say to me?!

But, from my point of view, it is because of the medication they are on - Chemo as well as steroids - but also because of what they are dealing with: not only do they feel physically wrecked most of the time, feel that they cannot do half as much as they used to do when they were still well, but they also know that there is perhaps only very little time left to enjoy life, to live life, to be with the ones they love.

I said on the McMillan forum for bereaved spouses once when somebody had told us how hurt she had been feeling because her husband seemed to have turned away from her, I think that for some people this is a way of avoiding the deep pain it would bring to realise that, as much as they love you and want to stay with you, they won't be able to. It's like the empathy goes away because, if they had empathy, they would come face to face with their deep pain. Do you know what I mean?

Of course all of this is only an attempt to explain the behaviour, not an excuse, and I think that at times we simply have to sit them down and explain to them how their behaviour makes us feel and that we too are suffering in all this - and not because they are too much for us or a burden, or whatever they may think, but because we too are afraid of losing them and of the next steps on this journey. I did that with my husband occasionally and sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't and I was getting absolutely no understanding from him. But I still think it's important.

Also, as someone else said here before, try and do something for yourself too; even if it is something that you feel might get in the way of spending time with him. It doesn't. It actually helps you to stay sane and to cope better.

I hope some of this helps.

Love, Mel.

Hi Lucky Seven, I'm sorry to read of the latest events. I agree with the advice of Needing friends, granny sue and Melanie l. Take care x