At 3.40pm yesterday the 3rd of April I had lo let my sweet Diane go. I lost her to this terrible thing that had constantly eaten away at her for two and a half years. Every day seemed like another battle in a war that we knew we could never win. It changed us all in one way or another.
The first six months I was so angry, why us! Just when we were reaching a time when we had a bit of money, kids moved out, spare time and plans to knock out of all the things we would like to do or places to see. Why us! Why my beautiful Diane who had never hurt anyone?
So finally we got past that bit, buckled down and started to fight. You all know how it goes and none of it is good. In fact it was shit for most of the time. Chemo may have slowed the spread of her diagnosed stage 4 cancer in both lunges but it sure beat the shit out of my lovely Diane too. But hey everyone here caring for their partner doesn't need me to tell you that.
After a seemingly endless battle the treatment had to stop Her weak and battered body couldn't take any more. But the battles didn't end there they came harder and faster now. You name it plural effusions, sepsis and then pain came along to join in so that even breathing was painful.
My mistake was that I thought the end would be easy. Meybe easy is not the right word but I thought I have had the best part of three years now to get my head around what will happen in the end.
Big mistake
Big Big mistake .
I lost her at 3.50 pm yesterday on the 3rd April 2019. She went into the Wisdom Hospice in Rochester I went with her and and cared for her there as if we were at home. She only agreed to go the if I promised never to leave her on her own so I slept in a chair beside her holding her hand so I knew when she woke and needed anything. By now she could hardly talk as the cancer spread further into her one good lung.
Our wedding anniversary is on my birthday. We did that so I had no excuse to forget it. It's on 4th April. Today... But she is not here. I had to walk away and leave her behind and it's hurting so much.
The last proper sentence she managed was at 1 am yesterday she asked what day it was. I told her to which she replied "I'm sorry I won't be there"
She didn't wake up again and passed at 3.50 that afternoon.
I woke this morning to a crushing realisation I'm on my own. All I can see are her big dark eyes the last time she looked at me as if trying to tell me something.
Happy anniversary my sweet sweet baby
Diane 1/12/1964 to 3/4/2019
Love you forever x
