I'm new to this......

hi , welcome to  cares though so sorry to hear about what your mum and you have been going through it sounds like you have been doing an absolutely stunning job so far but it is starting to get to you - t can be really important to become a little bit self focused to make some me time to recharge batteries - good you have supportive friends.

Has your mum had a needs assessment? You might like to get a carers assessment at the same time.  

I did a living with less stress course and it really helped me to appreciate what I have now rather than living in a black future that is probably much worse than if often turns out.

<<hugs>>

Steve

Thanks so much Steve - the fact Ive had some recognition and a response makes me tearful (don/t take that personally!!)

I am very much aware of both assessments, my Mum is refusing most offers at the moment. The carers assessment may be better suited to my Mum's husband, but its unlikely he will proceed. I am aware how to follow up on both when either party is ready. How did you get on to the 'living with less stress course' ? This sounds very useful!! I appreciate your response and particularly like your last sentence. Thank you so much!

Hugs

One of the things many of us recognize on here is the old saying of a trouble shared is a troubled halved can have some real significance.

I did my course through Maggies with the advantage that everyone was facing cancer in some way or another but there are lots of similar courses out there. I know my employer offers some courses around stress and there are a number of courses in mindfulness that are run by e.g. mind

<<hugs>>

Steve

Hi Sunnydayz, so sorry about your mums situation. I have turned to exercise as away of coping with my stress and emotions. Some days I really don't feel like doing it but do because I know l feel better once I'm doing it and done it. I've been on this journey with my husband who's been incurable since diagnosis nearly 2 years ago and treatment stopped Dec due to rare side effect, going under is not an option as we have dependant children and obviously my husband depends on me. I also consciously take the time to appreciate and focus on the nice things that happen each day, no matter how small. This is my way of helping myself to cope but I appreciate we all have our different coping mechanisms and what helps me may not necessarily help you. I hope you find a way which helps you, wishing you all the best x

That's very true Steve - 'a problem shared is a problem halved' as my Granddad used to quote. I have the blessing of very strong & supportive friends who enable me to share my problems with them and its a huge help.

I was looking on the Maggies site yesterday, it looks interesting, I will follow up and seek out more informing the time to respond and offer these strengthening tips for me. I hope things are good with you and yours...........

Hug 

Hello Sunflower15, thank you for your interest and for your effort in responding & sharing. I'm sorry to hear of your husbands health and the family situation..........

I used to do a significant amount of exercise which gave me pleasure and strength. This all stopped when my Mum became poorly as there just was not time and I didn't have the energy left. I recently moved in to care for my Mum and it frequently went through my mind of how wonderful it would be to go for a swim or a stretch - I am now back in my own home and still haven't had the time or the energy!! I do realise the benefits and I also realise that I will need to make time for this. Thank you for the reminder, you are absolutely correct and that it does help to make us feel better. I like your other recommendation very much too, I am goingto sit and review the nice things that have happened to me daily from here on in- I know how those small things can help so much.

Thank you Sunflower15, I send you my best wishes x

Hi sunny

Im quite new to posting here as well. I don't have any advice for you as im going through much the same as yourself so just want to say youre not alone and youre in my thoughts. x

Hi Sunny Days,

I’m so sorry to hear about your mum, I completely understand the complete exhaustion you are feeling. I cared for my father until he passed away in 2013 from lung cancer, then I found doing one exercise class a week helped.  Now I’m caring for my grandfather who has cancer of the gullet and we’re just watching and waiting. The Maggie centres are good and I also found the carer centres were helpful, if you look on care Uk website to find the one closes to you.  Thinking of ourselves sometimes brings on a feeling of guilt, but if we burn out by not looking after ourselves what will happen then.

I’m trying to take my own advice as well, and it’s baby steps so I’m trying to go outside for 5/10 minutes a day and trying mindfulness on an evening before bed.

Trying to make memory’s and looking at all the fun things we’ve done. I’m making a scrap book as I go along.

I’m sending you love and hugs to you at this really hard time, i’m So pleased I found this site were we can all support each other. Xxx

Hello anybody out there - thanks to all of you who replied to me - its like I have been on a fast train from then until now the end of Jan 2020 - nothing except cancer has happened in-between really......I've been working during the week then I get up at 5 on a Saturday,drive 100 miles to my mum and her husband. Normally I take mum out on a Saturday then clean up a bit and cook etc...then I ......drive home Sunday to start my own stuff. But my normal changed recently when the Dr told mum 'game over', there is nothing more we can do for you - the hospice team are getting involved. I took time out from work on 09/01 and mum's husband & I care for mum - I sleep in with mum and toilet her through the night....her pain control ever increasing.............

I keep saying that 'we all have cancer' by that I mean all three of us - three is the sum total of our family.....mum's body shows the terrible sign's of her cancer, my broken heart, broken soul and broken life show the signs of my cancer - my body doesn't have cancer, just the rest of me. I have said to my mum and her doctor numerous times that I would swap places with her in a flash - and I really truly would. For me, the thought of going through the rest of my life without her and  with no family members is not easy.....I have friends who love me very much - but they are busy people with family, work and the normal stuff really.......I cant see ahead of me at all, I can only feel the pain.........I hope I don't sound like a victim or like I'm feeling sorry for myself, I'm not at all, I'm just bewildered with where life will go from here........or from a few months down the line......

Is anyone in this sort of situation and do they have any tips for me? I am planning a few little things like sport, work, life and such but I'm just quite blinded by life beyond not too far ahead.....its hard and its sad and I welcome your views / tips please.......

Thank you in advance......

Dear Sunny days, I'm so sorry to read that you have recently been told there is nothing more that can be done for your mum. I'm glad to read that you will have the support from the hospice team to help your mum as much as possible with her pain and making her remaining time as comfortable as possible. Your words "mums body shows the terrible signs of her cancer, my broken heart, broken soul and broken life show the signs of my cancer - my body doesn't have cancer, just the rest of me, wow - these have hit a cord with myself and no doubt will with whoever's reads them. They share the devastation that cancer brings to the loved ones of those that have it, I so feel for you and can identify with you except for me it's my husbands body which show the terrible signs of cancer. My advice to you is take each day as it comes, try and see the positives in each day even when they may be filled with negatives. Your mum is still here at the moment you can still spend time with her now. I hope I dont offend you my aim is to comfort you when I add even when she is gone and her suffering over she will always be with you but obviously in a different way. Take care of yourself Sunnydayz x