Cancer driving my fiance and I apart

FormerMember over 6 years ago

12 replies
43 subscribers
3830 views

Evening All,

I'm afraid I'm on here to vent a bit and ask advice if anyone has any. My fiance was diagnosed with OC at the end of November and the last 6 weeks have been horrible. He starts chemotherapy this week with a new treatment, FOLFOX which isn't yet being widely administered. I'm sceptical to say the least and had hoped he would continue taking some complimentary supplements (edited by admin).

In the past week I thought he had been taking them however he has been lying to me and to my mum whenever we've asked. Tonight we argued about it and I'm hiding away in the office (opposite end of our house) as am too upset to speak to him. I've busted my ass off this past week cooking different health food meals from scratch to help him in the run up to chemo and feel like I've totally wasted my time.

I'm completing my dissertation right now and can't focus at all on my degree due to this. We're having to put samples in storage for future IVF due to the impact chemo will have on his fertility. Both of us feel like we're just existing day by day but to be honest, at times I feel like walking away.

Everything I do seems to not be good enough, my suggestions are dismissed, he's become increasingly difficult to live with and frankly, I'm very lonely. I feel like I've already lost him and just want my life back. He doesn't want me out/away from him when he's alone for more than an afternoon/evening and all the things we used to enjoy doing, now he doesn't want to do.

I'm angry with the cancer but also frustrated with him. In the last 2/3 weeks, he's seen me cry on a weekly basis whereas I'd been hiding my upset before. Today he tells me that it doesn't help him when I talk to him about things- well what kind of couple are we if I don't talk about it?

I end up feeling guilty for wanting to walk away and don't really intend to do so but feeling taken for granted/helpless and criticised plus him being more difficult to live with than usual just makes me feel like there's a chasm opening between us.

When I've suggested us going to counselling to talk about the cancer/treatment together/separately, he dismisses it. Everything at the moment is deemed a 'hassle' - i.e paying our cleaner by direct bank transfer instead of cheque or sorting things for our cat. I hate feeling like this but can't shake the feeling, I love him dearly but part of me just wants to leave.

He's now apologised for shouting at me and asked what I was doing, I admitted being on here but he then wanted me to stop crying. I know we don't have the cancer ourselves but it just hurts to see someone you love unwell.

Is it selfish to say 'I want my life back'?

FormerMember over 6 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Hi Kat,

You don't say how old you are, but it sounds as if you are quite young. You have, we must hope, a lot of life in front of you. Your relationship must also be quite young ( forgive me if that sounds dismissive ); perhaps, it would not have been ultimately right for you both even without the ghastly intervention of cancer.

You have a right to your life, and to make as much of it as you can. You have as much right to love and life as your partner does. You haven't lost that right because he has had the misfortune to become sick.

I think, it is different for those of us who have lived with or been married to our partners for many years. We have not only made a promise, we have shared experience and emotion which carries us through the hard times. As Fran says, even so, most of us entertain some thought of not having to cope with all this , even if we then realise that we would rather still be here, with them, whatever the difficulties.

It sounds to me as if you already suspect that you don't want to stay in this relationship, that it is not offering you any of the things that you want from your life. I can't give you permission to leave it, that is for you to decide. But what I will say is that there is a very strong pressure in society that people should 'stand by' others, and that many of the people who apply that pressure would not like to shoulder even a tenth of your burden. That pressure should not influence you to misdirect your life.

You seem to have tried to ask your partner to give you some support in return for your support of him. This doesn't seem to be happening. Relationships are a two way street.

I think that seeing an outside adviser/ counsellor would probably help you to work out the best way forward. I hope you can find the right direction for your life, whatever it may be

XxxNiobe

JD10 over 1 year ago

I could have written this myself. My husband was diagnosed with tonsil, tongue and lymph node cancer. During his treatment he pushed me away, I done everything I could to support him alongside keep the house in order, look after our 3 year old and 18 month old and work nights once a week.
I don’t know if I’m selfish for kind of expecting him to be slightly greatful that I’m doing my best here to keep everything together yet he didn’t care how I was doing. I know he had it rough and I’m not dismissing how hard cancer is on them, but it’s also so so scary for us too!
I started counselling 2 weeks ago as I feel like I have fallen out of love with my husband which is really hard!
Sorry I haven’t been much help or given much advice but I just wanted to say I can relate to your post and how you are feeling xx

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Cancer driving my fiance and I apart