Cancer driving my fiance and I apart

K8te,

Please read my earlier post, you are definitely not alone in this and seeking help will help you not feeling isolated. 

I can't really post a long response as I am pressed for time, but I didn't want you to feel like no one is listening or reading this. Especially in a moment of crisis. 

You are not alone dealing with this, this site is the first step for you looking after yourself. You're not being selfish you are just exhausted and hurt by what this shit illness is doing to you both.

Please don't be to hard on yourself, easier said than done I know! 

You poor girl. We all secretly want to run away you know. It's simply a bloody awful situation and you have every right to feel angry - I certainly do. 

Yes the patient has it tough and in my case this means a man struck down by a brain tumour that is going to kill him within a year. But actually we are already both in mourning because life as we knew it will never exist again. And as he is the patient then he assumes that he can push anything on to me to sort out - and then refuses helps from anyone else telling them that we are coping fine.

Well we are not coping - you are not coping - and all we can do is scream and rant and try and get through it. Please look into some counselling - that's what I am going to try if I can find some time in between all the other stuff that needs taking care of. Lots of love. F

Hi Kat8

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. You are definitely not alone.

I'm sorry I don't know what OC is but my 45 yo husband was diagnosed with a very rare sarcoma on his optic nerve back in May 2016.

In March 2017 after the 5th recurrence the consultant informed us that it was terminal and chemo was pointless for this type of cancer !

My husband has lost half his face, skull and eye. Eating is difficult and kissing is practically impossible. 

Our relationship has completely changed.

I fought for continued treatment and also got him to take all the available "Alternative" supplements.

Luckily our Oncologist was supportive.

He had 3 rounds of chemo then an 8 week break then 3 more rounds of Chemo. His last contrast MRI showed NO ACTIVE CANCER!

He has Amazed everyone. Especially the Consultant who basically told us in March 2017 that he was terminal.

My husband has been given a second chance although he is reluctant to feel any joy at the moment and we are awaiting a second MRI in February. Meanwhile I am a bag of mixed emotions.

I am over the moon for my husband but I am mourning the loss of my beautiful husband and my sex life. Apologies if that's considered TMI

I still think about what life would be like without him... but the truth is, I Love him and I took the vow "in sickness and in health". 

No one can tell you what to do Kat8.

Maybe you could write a letter for your fiancee. Sometimes it's easier to write your feelings and fears down and your partner can't shut you down.

You are both going through this. Cancer doesn't just affect the patient!

Wishing you both all the best.

Hey Almanda,

That’s great news regarding your husband, I hope things continue to improve. The impact on eating is tough, OC (oesophageal cancer) makes it difficult for my fiancé to swallow and causes him to cough a lot and need to drink 2 pints of liquid just to eat a meal. It’s heartbreaking to watch the changes. 

 I know what you mean about the impact on the physical side of things. My fiancé is tired a lot of the time so going for a walk around the lake near our house isn’t an option now whereas we used to do it at least every other week (20 mins stroll) before our Sunday roast. 

We were told he has low fertility in March 2017, that was hard news for me especially as having a baby is more important to me than it is to him (he’s content with me, the cat and a Border Collie in the future!). I wanted to look into IVF but I was making more of an effort than him, now that he’s been diagnosed he has at least put samples in storage at the clinic for future use. It’s just upsetting that it’s taken this long to sort of kick him into gear with that. Due to him being unwell, I feel disconnected as a couple and more like family which is hard to explain/manage. 

Today he started chemo and though I’m trying to be hopeful about the future, it’s hard to beat the fear that takes over.  The concern of whether he’ll be ok to go back to work and whether he’ll ever be well enough to have a family when I already had doubts, mourning starts while they’re living and that sounds awful but you can’t shake the feeling. 

Hope things continue to recover for you. It may sound silly but when one of us has been ill, we’ve switched to an “Eskimo kiss”- him kissing my nose and me kissing his chin. Not ideal if he keeps a beard but better than nothing! 

Take care x

Thanks Fran, what a pity we can’t shout at cancer in a way that it can hear us! Am sorry to hear your situation is so tough, Sunday night was a bit overwhelming and today is surprisingly better though it’s day 1 of chemo. I find the uncertainty the worst bit and with not being married though living as if we were, there’s added insecurity and feeling helpless. 

Counselling is a good move. Looking into it when I get my degree back under control!

Hugs x

Fran,

My husband was doing exactly as you describe. Expecting me to fetch and carry and pander to his every whim, as well as working full time and looking after our 3 year old daughter. I was on my knees with exhaustion. My mum offered to come and stay during the week to help out but he said he didn’t want me getting others involved. It’s taken his weakened immune system taking a battering of non-stop infections from the cold to finally convince him that we can’t just carry on as if nothing’s wrong and we now have part-time live-in support from both our mothers. Bimmin’ stubborn men.

Sounds like a tough gig...and seems you are being the best fiance you can in the circumstances.  He is probably feeling afraid and lost too.  Hug each other and stay positive....its normall to feel angry at the situation as it takes control from you i think....all the best

Evening fellow carers,

I guess I’m looking for some kind of advice or solidarity in this post. 

Since diagnosis in Nov, my relationship with my OH has deteriorated. He says he loves me but whenever I’m upset, he says very little and just leaves me alone to cry. He knows I’ve been struggling to cope with everything (completing my degree while also caring for him) and yet makes little effort with me. He hardly chats, just plays on his phone and ignores my attempts to engage him. When we talk, it’s trivial or practical matters rather than anything of substance. When he’s in a worse mood, he’s critical and unpleasant to be with. 

I know he’s unwell and am understanding of that but at the moment I want to leave him. It’s a thankless role. We don’t have kids and as a young woman, I’m desperate to have a family. There’s grief that we now are unable to ever have kids that are genetically ours, it would be a sperm donor if there were to be any hope - he doesn’t seem to care and won’t even talk about the future. He won’t discuss marriage or anything but simultaneously doesn’t want me to move away for a new job/study and is clingy. 

He makes comments that he’d be suicidal if he was without me, that he couldn’t manage living on his own again and that when he was diagnosed, he wasn’t so much scared of death as of not seeing me again (due to dying)- friends and my colleagues have said it’s emotional blackmail. I admit it comes close. 

I feel unable to leave him as he has no other family but I’m deeply unhappy. Our intimate life has collapsed since diagnosis, whereas we used to be physically close, now we haven’t even had any sexual contact in months. We hold hands, hug and kiss sometimes but  have slept in separate bedrooms since his surgery at the end of April. It may sound pathetic but he just seems oblivious to how unhappy I am and attributes my low mood to other factors rather than acknowledging his own role in it - he can’t help having cancer, but he could try to maintain our relationship rather than making me feel like he just keeps me around to assist him but has no real interest in a future where we’re both happy. Rather wants me as a support to suit him but have no life of my own. 

I know others have said partners can be very challenging during cancer as a result of their health both physically and mentally being strained but I don’t know what to do and can’t talk to him about any of these concerns without him shutting down the conversation and refusing to really address any issues. He gets annoyed with me if I’m upset about anything in our relationship and accuses me of pressuring him - how is our relationship meant to survive without communication through trying times?

If anyone has any suggestion, it would be much appreciated- I hate my life at present and am becoming more miserable as this continues with the dread that he’ll resume chemotherapy in a couple of weeks which will run for 8 weeks thereafter. During chemo he is incredibly difficult to live with and yet I feel duty bound to stay, guilty for wanting to leave and I do love him but miss the relationship we used to have which was happier and had hopes for the future. 

Sorry to read this and all you have been going through. Don't know really I have much in the way of answers for you except perhaps to suggest looking for some more direct support. If you look at the in your area tool you can find support groups near you. I was close to breakdown the first time I went in to a Maggies and probably spent the best part of two hours and a box of tissues letting it all out.

The child issue I can relate to some as well, though that was before cancer as it took 9 years of trying before we finally had a child - he is 14 now. 

If you cannot get to some face-to-face support you could try ringing the helpline here, 0808 808 0000 it is open Monday-Friday from 9am-8pm and a free phone call too

<<hugs>>

Steve

Kat8 , wow you have a lot to deal with. My situation is very different so I can only relate as someone outside looking in if you know what I mean.

Some people when faced with situations like your fiance just cannot face it. They don't know how to deal with their own inner turmoil let alone know where to start with yours. Only you know whether this is the case or whether you feel it is just emotional blackmail. He sounds very, very scared to me which is understandable but obviously very difficult to deal with. This may sounds very un-pc but men do find it hard to open up and talk about how they feel.

The only thing I would say and this is through past experience is when in this sort of emotional turmoil don't make big decisions. When my dad died (cancer related) I made some very big decisions about relationships, my job and even relocated to a different end of the country only to find a couple of years later I was in pieces and couldn't understand the cause (doh!).

Perhaps do as others have suggested and get some outside help for you so you have someone totally unrelated to you both so you can lay all this out. Very often the way forward comes to you. Sometimes people can see your situation clearer than you can and guide you in the right direction for you and in turn your fiance.

Don't give up hope and don't beat yourself up for all the emotions and thoughts you have, in some form or another we've all been there or are still there. Hope you find a way forward xx