Cancer and anger - need help.

Ewen.... Such heartfelt and insightful words....... I am almost on the flip side of that coin. My lovely fiance was shockingly diagnosed with metastatic cancer over new year.....and long story short we were in distance relationship for almost 5 years when he relocated to me last year and we got engaged. My life was wonderful..... I Work in medicine and know too much bless him he is oblivious .... And he is holding me up! The thought of loosing him soon soon is devastating and I'm struggling with no family or friends support. I feel such guilt that it's him who makes me laugh every day when it should be me as the HEALTHY one.....i adore him and feel so terrified the and angry and lost at how unfair it all is. We have surgery next week and chemo to buy us some time..... Heartfelt thoughts to you all in similar situations. Hugs xxx

Panic and Moux......

This bastard disease is as i say ..... my fella is a star  i dont know wat i would of do with out him. We never argue or have cross words. He is the opposit  of me a very quiet man clever , and he over thinks. 

I would just like to thankyou for ur honest accout of how both of you feel, i feel lost somedays just lookin at him and wondering how he really is. I dont know how to make him feel at ease , as like me hes frieghtend. 

So hope you get some relief from your troubles by taking the superb advise you have been given. My heart goes out to you. Iv a better understanding of how he feels and will do my best to help him more . 

Thankyou once again for your honesty. 

Take care xxx

You are not alone. I have a very similar situation. My wife was diagnosed at 38 with Breast Cancer 12 years ago and then given the 'all-clear' 5 years later. 2 years ago her cancer returned in her spine and liver i.e. as Stage 4 advanced cancer. She has never been given a diagnosis but some Googling suggests 2 - 3 years survival (starting 2 years ago) would be good odds. The first time around our marriage was 'OK' and to be honest the cancer probably brought us closer - at that time we had a 1 year old and a 3 year old so there wasn't much time for anything except fighting it the disease and to be fair, we had support from her parents. Roll forward to now and her father is passed away (cancer) and her mother is 78 and so not very able to emotionally support herself and so leans on my wife for support. Upon the re-diagnosis my wife definitely reacted with anger towards me. It was as if every thing I had ever done wrong now needed to be repeatedly brought up - I used to scream at her that her time travel ability was better than Dr Who. My frustration was that at no point would she attempt to take any form of external professional support - if I was in her position with essentially a handfull of years of life left I would be angry. Just a year prior to the rediagnosis I suffered a severe mental health breakdown and (luckily failed) suicide attempt. It was a combination of several factors. This caused an irrevocable rift between me and her family. I had to drag myself from that situation into full employment (via a couple of periods of unemployment as the now sole earner), putting my now pre-teen family through yet more uncertainty. I've suffered a mildly emotionally  abusive marriage based on control, manipulation and shaming, threat of 'outing' of my employment failures and secret suicide attempt. I'm currently at the back end of a three day screaming match with my wife, which is why I typed 'abuse' into the search bar and came to your post. I'm not financially in a position that I can leave, we lost my wife's earnings when she had to give up her job on the re-diagnosis. I have been denied any real access to my family for the last 10 years or so based on her requirement that i 'choose' between them and her. My main priority is to my two children so that meant an effective severance with my family. I have to endure her continuing jealousy regarding other people's (non cancerous) lives. I went to Relate a year ago when the arguments got very visible in front of the children - this was my trigger point. Unfortunately going to Relate was seen as being 'unloyal' and without your partner there there isn't really much that can be done. I also informed the secondary school of her condition as I had been advised by a breast care nurse I spoke to in confidence.

I appear to have hijacked your post but I wanted you to understand that you aren't alone and to try and give some advice based on my own experience.

My wife is not a horrible person, but her behaviour can be horrendous, illogical, utterly selfish, infuriating. Try to contain your anger - personally I'm still unable to do this, I'm currently looking for ways to be able to handle an abusive relationship. I've made the decision to stay in it as long as I can in order for the children to have some semblance of a normal life. Some of my behaviour towards her has been appalling as well. Recognise that - don't take the burden of being some sort of martyr. Just because they have cancer does not give them the right to 'play the cancer card'. i.e. 'I've got cancer, why are you down, not doing exactly what I want.

Absolutely make time for yourself. This is disparagingly called 'me time' by my wife which indicates that its some sort of selfish use of time for yourself. Trust me, you need to keep your own sanity. They won't die if you have an evening out.

Work on how you react to their behaviour - call it mindfullness or read 'The Chimp Paradox' - understand how you have a few milliseconds to 'respond' and not 'react' - become your own mental health expert.

Make sure you exercise and look after yourself - again its a distraction from the daily shit and can give you a goal. I'm 50 and I've done two sprint triathlons and I train all year around for them - mainly during the 'off time' e.g. before the kids get up, when they have gone to bed etc. I'm not particularly good at it but its an ongoing challenge - find yourself something like that and insist on having time to do it.

Learn all you can about nutrition - i.e. cook with ingredients that include anti-cancer abilities - again it will benefit your wife and also yourself. 

Absolutely understand your own moods and recognise when you are getting low. If you can vent off with someone will listen then that person is your lifeline. But they are not professional so you can't over load them. I have such a person - worth their weight in gold.

Don't listen to the various 'celebrity cancer survivors' - no-one in the public eye is (by definition) going to tell you the truth about cancer or even about the toll it takes on the carer and the family - none of the 'normals' (people unaffected) have a clue. A forum like this one is worth way more, with 'ordinary' people telling it as it is. I don't feel particularly 'courageous' about caring for someone with cancer - I frankly haven't got a choice.

Don't expect the 'normals' to understand and never blame them for not understanding. My wife holds it against 'normals' who don't get it. its totally unfair to expect a 'normal' to understand.

I went to my Doctor after her rediagnosis and was given the advice 'yes, its shitty'. Not very scientific but in hindsight very perceptive. Use it as an excuse to test your resolve, to get the most from a shit situation. You (or your wife) didn't choose it, its shit, but try to keep hope that it doesn't last forever. There are loads of people on this forum that deal with it day to day, sometimes with stoicism, sometimes with less than ideal behaviour towards their partner, sometimes 3 steps forward and 4 back, sometimes at the pits of despair at their 'lost' life as well. When I'm not coping I look on this forum and get inspiration to keep going. Your post inspired me.

So you kicked in a wall, so what. I had scores of things destroyed in my house through the anger. I'm still standing.

Everything I read in your post looked totally normal for someone in your/our position.

All the best. One day at a time...

Hang in. Forgive yourself.  Welcome to the human race. 

Hi mate,

thought I’d acknowledge your kind words. I’ll respond in full when I leave work but was very touched by your honesty and advice,

take care,

M.

Wow. In tears reading this. But bang on the money

Mate. I’m in the exact same situation as u and it is horrendous. There is nothing I can do or say to ease your pain but I get it!

If it’s any comfort please know you’re not alone!

cancer is bullshit!

Try to take it easy on yourself