Cancer has made my OH selfish

Hi , You've replied to a post that is three years old so it's unlikely you'll get a reply from the member who posted. If you'd like to start a fresh discussion it would save some potential confusion.

My partner has turned me away after months of caring for him. I am so sad and I have to say exhausted 

Oh my goodness, this all sounds so familiar. I burst out laughing when I read about the tv programmes. Mine watches b**** Judge Judy, Nothing to declare and endless repeats of Rick Stein etc. I could almost recite them word for word. When, as currently, our tv aerial is kaput he just scrolls through YouTube 24/7. I sometimes think I could smash him over the head with his iPad.  We’re so lucky that we’re retired and our kids are all grown up, so we don’t have those stresses, but my life has shrunk in on all sides to keep step with his. He doesn’t want to do anything or go anywhere yet he has a limited “Use by” date. He’s still fairly well and able bodied and I can’t understand why he doesn’t want to get out and make the most of his life while he can. So, like you, I try to give myself time out, go shopping or to a nice garden somewhere but I miss his company. If I try to encourage him to come with me he says, “I’ll just be a miserable xxxx” and yet he seems reasonably positive generally.

Yes, I totally get it.  My mum has Stage 4 Breast Cancer, is stubborn, selfish and at times makes me want to scream.  I'm an only child,  neither mum or dad will discuss the future, everything is 'fine'.  They recently got away for a few days and while away, my husband,  kids and I cleared their living room,  kitchen and two halls, to get painter in, new carpet down, then moved everything back in, cleaned, fresh and shiny.  We never got a 'thank you' just my Dad complaining about the smell of paint.  Mum is stable, has lost weight and everyone tells her she looks fantastic.  So that just convinces her that everything is marvellous.  She is finally slim! Yay!  (sarcastic, obviously), but when the scan is no longer stable,  it'll be me sat there with her in hospital,  not my Dad as he never goes to any appointments.  My Dad isn't the one ringing the doctor, or helping when mum doesn't make the toilet in time and has an accident in the car.  I'll be the one having to then tell him the scan is no longer stable.  Then I will watch them again stick their heads in sand and listen to how 'fine' everything will be.  People tell me how fantastic my mum is, great spirit,  determination, inspiration, and yes she is and I love her, she's my best friend but what people don't see is how selfish,  bad tempered, demanding and impatient she can be in the day to day.

I know exactly how you feel  in the beginning we was all right let’s fight this let’s get it done but as time went on and everything that could go wrong did . I had to do things that I never imagined I could at times I actually vomited myself as personal care is really not my strong point . I sucked up verbal abuse during his chemo you could see it changing him as it was in patient chemo I visited every day which took 6 hrs that included A 2 hr visit . Then a random unrelated operation in the middle of it all then a 10 day stay for side effects I was exhausted I now do everything he has taken to laying in bed most of the day criticising every thing I do I get it he’s depressed scared  and in pain . Now we have to start all over again because radiation was delayed so long after a clear scan it grew back we do have a nurse that helps with getting meds and dressings  but it’s me that has to do everything as he won’t let anyone else do it . He really has been through a lot but  so have I tge support offered is talking talking don’t change a thing taking time out changes nothing I still have to go back to it and I constantly worry about him I’m becoming snappy  forgetful and have a constant fight or flight feeling I’ve gone into survival mode waiting for the next setback I find joy in nothing cancer has destroyed our lives I made 27 calls yesterday trying to sorry out the next phase I know this sounds selfish  but I feel I’m taken for granted no longer a wife  just invisable I don’t even drive so I can’t escape  oh my sorry for the rant 

Hi all. Newbie here.

I've read all the comments, going back over eight years, but they all sound like my life now.

Six months ago, my long time bloke was diagnosed with stage 4 laryngeal cancer. Since then, he's had a total laryngectomy, neck dissection and lymph nodes removed and loads of other procedures. He came home three months ago and I'm his sole full time carer. I have to do things I never, ever could have imagined, and I'm permanently scared of cocking something up.

I now do everything, all the housework, finance, shopping, etc. I'm 66 and don't drive, so am permanently knackered too. To top it all, he cannot utter a word, so I have to be his voice too, which can be incredibly difficult.

He recently completed six weeks of radiotherapy and some of the effects are grim, but I'm trying to soldier on, even though I feel like I'm cracking up most days and cry a lot.

What I really want to do is rant about his worse than useless family! They're pointless, tbh, and yes, I've told them this to their faces as I don't care any more what others think about me. They can all do one!

He was in two different hospitals for over three months and for several weeks displayed some vile behaviour towards me. It did make me think, why the F am I putting myself through this? I've attended every single appointment and visited him in hospital (s) almost every day with what seemed like a million bus trips. Not one word of thanks from any of his family, who all drive with several cars at their disposal. We had to rely on hospital transport for the RT which was long and tiring over the six weeks.

Sorry for being a whining old ratbag, but I needed to speak to others who, hopefully, will understand how damn tough this is for the non cancer sufferer. I've been asked twice now if I'm his mum! That's how haggard I've become. His real mother doesn't seem to give two hoots, and gads about, in her car, attending soirées and bloody luncheons!!

The whole thing has made me extremely bitter but... I still love him, and carry on because of that and always will.  It's others that grind my gears and their total lack of gumption and compassion. I'd gladly never set eyes on any of them ever again!

Phew. Sorry again but, apart from my elder daughter, who works full time but constantly offers help, can't really understand how hard it can be. I know people here do, so thank you for listening.

Amen xx

I’m a newbie as well on here & as sas as it is reading the above posts - it’s heartening to know that I’m not the only one! My husband was diagnosed with bowel cancer in Feb 2022. He had radiotherapy & a trial version & responded really well. The bowel was clear but then we found out it had spread to the liver, was inoperable & he then had chemo in various forms & immunotherapy constantly until Dec 2024. It’s now in his lungs & we’re waiting to see if the latest targeted therapy will work. He’s worked throughout but has been much more ill the last 2-3 months. He is 62 & I’m 50 - we have a teenage son & young adult daughter. I’m v close to my siblings - although they live in a different part of the country & we have a fantastic network of friends. We lost both sets of parents from 2005-2010. My husband is one of five. His family make no effort - not even a text to see how he is / that they’re thinking of him / us. He says they probably think it’s “intrusive”! I realised if I make the effort to invite them to stay etc they will come & we have a lovely time but they willl never take the initiative. I was the main  breadwinner for many years but started freelancing once my husband got ill. Thats become more difficult as work has dried up & I don’t have the capacity to do much more than make sure I’m around to help him & be here for the kids. I Have been v frustrated by his family’s lack of effort. My OH said he will speak with them about not abandoning me or the kids after he’s gone - but given they’ve not bothered while he’s alive - I imagine they won’t when he’s gone! I realise all families are different but as many have said - being a carer is lonely & exhausting. I need to channel my energy on my own family unit & those that do support & help - rather than those that don’t!  Reading this thread has been so helpful. Thank you to everyone sharing on here. Sending strength to you all! X

Thank you, ARaff.  Your response is much appreciated.

I'm so sorry your poor husband's had to go through so much, as have you and your kids.  I really hope you'll all gain positivity for the future.

I was hoping, that by venting my spleen about his seemingly oblivious family, I'd calm down somewhat.  Unfortunately, not right now.

He's only 60, but almost two years ago had a mini stroke. I was alarmed at the time that his mother, who lives one minute away from us, was more concerned about going out for lunch with her other son and other members of the family, even though it had been arranged to bring him home from the hospital!  Four hours they kept him waiting while they had their snouts stuck in the trough at a local pub!  I was beside myself with angst and anger till they eventually turned up to fetch him.  My poor fella looked so crestfallen, sitting on his hospital bed, and asked me why he'd been waiting so long for someone to come.  It was only later I told him they'd been chowing down on pub grub.  I was fuming.

So to the present, but this time wth cancer in all its ugliness.  It's like they just don't care about him and I can't get my head around their seeming indifference.  What's left of my family mostly live in other parts of the country, but constantly phone or text me with positive messages of support.  I feel so sorry for him as he gets none of that from his mob.

I've told him I don't want to see his old gargoyle mother if she deigns to rock up.  I've got a gob on me and aren't afraid to use it on her.  My dilemma is that he's very ill, and although she's more bothered about herself and the other son and his family, should I drop my loathing of them for his sake 'cos blood's thicker than water?  Like you said though, if they can't be arsed now it's unlikely they'll muster much compassion should the worst happen.

They just seem to have made a god awful situation worse and when I've clocked their simpering faces, I pretty much lose the plot!

Families. I was pretty lucky with mine but am so sad for my bloke who isn't with his and that's why I'm determined to do my utmost for him, no matter how bad it gets.

Rant over and thanks again love xx