Awake and up all night

12 weeks in total, 6 weeks of chemo, 5 weeks chemoradiotherapy and 1 week brachytherapy… I’ve bought some hair wraps and bandanas today and some bits of make up to do my eyebrows and lashes when they go… if I can be bothered when it gets to that.. last week at work so that’s going to be tough.. last week before life as I know it changes… my OH has been made redundant after 21y it was his last day yesterday so he’s going to be my taxi/carer for next few months which I feel immensely guilty about… how are you and your OH are yous ok?  Xx 

Hi Chloe and thank you for your reply.

Firstly, thanks for asking after us lass, and we're doing ok.  I was late answering as I was doing my caring duties before he settled down for the night, which brings me nicely round to your hubby.  Please don't feel guilty; he loves you and I guess will do everything he can to help you through your journey.  That's what us carers do, and every day makes it easier and more worthwhile in the knowledge that we're there, even through tough times.  Fingers crossed he won't, but if he ever feels things are getting on top, you can always get in touch and I'll gladly pass on some tips.

Good idea about the bandanas.  When my mum was in hospital, she found them easier than her wig, but she was 94!

So, your last week coming up; I imagine there'll be tears all round but don't be sad and those months of treatment will whizz by, honestly.  My OH is almost four months post RT and when I told him yesterday, he couldn't believe it as he thought it was only two!  A tip - don't grieve for your old life.  Whatever's lost can be replaced by new experiences, sometimes better than the old ways.  It'll take time but you'll both get there, as I think you're made of strong stuff!  Us women are, and if hubby steps out of line, get him told.  Well I do mine but he knows who's boss, so we roll along fine.

You're both going to be ok love, so keep marching forward and try not to look over your shoulder if you can help it.  And the new football season kicks off soon, so there's that, too, as long as your team can sort things out to yours and Big Stevie's liking!  Lol!

Sending you both hugs and lots of strength xxx

Hi, I’m so pleased to hear your mum passed peacefully while you were with her. Thank you for your kind words and I am sorry for the late reply but I’ve been unwell for days and been in bed actually sleeping! That’s me just caught up now with this thread. A lot happens in 4/5 days. I know you said you liked Big Steve’s story, well I also have one!

My brother aged 43 was diagnosed with the same cancer I have Malignant Melanoma but it was 30+ years ago and there was no treatment at all. He died 11 weeks later but while he was in hospital I visited every day after work. One day he took my hand and said he didn’t think he had long but when he died if there was any way he could let me know he was watching over me then he’d find it. He died the next morning. It was 2 months to the day since he died, I was heading for work and put my radio on in the car, they announced the time which was 08.20 the exact time he died, then they played “He Ain’t Heavy He’s My Brother” the tears ran down my face but they were happy tears. Nothing will convince me that wasn’t him sending me a message! It was very comforting!

I am sure others have had some sort of sign too but thought it was too embarrassing to share, whereas I think it is uplifting! Steve my dad also died of a heart attack and hadn’t had a days illnesss in his life. He wouldn’t have liked hospital and 6 years earlier my mum died of cancer after years of suffering so we wouldn’t want that for anyone. It was a blessing in disguise!

Hi,

That's a lovely story about your brother. You're right, my dad always had a fear of death since his own father died also of a heart attack at just 54... and he hated hospitals... so yes, although he had started going for tests, he did get away quickly and at home while waiting for the next one.

Another story which yours reminded me of, was only a few months after he had passed, I had fallen out with my only brother and my mother at the time, and was also not getting much support from my wife... one Sunday morning I was left to walk our kids to church on my own, and on the way I said into myself,  where are you dad? I haven't heard from you in a while?

Sitting in the church just 15 minutes or so later the first hymm they played was 'How great thou art' ... the hymm I chose for his funeral.

Everyone was standing... I had to sit down as the tears came.

I really don't think any of us should fear death as much as we do... yes we fight to stay alive for those that are still here, but also look forward to reuniting with those that have gone before us.

Steve xo

Thank you Gill its honestly been amazing having this group with all of you for support, its going to be a sad week I've still got to break the news to my best friend shes got a poorly grandbaby 6m due a heart op on friday in great ormond street so I was hoping to tell her after I just dont know how shes going to be so I’m debating telling her tomorrow but I dont know yet, I wish I had more time but equally i’m just ready to get started with treatment now.. xx

That's so sad for your friend and I really hope the little one can be made well xx

You know your friend best and how she'll take your news.  Stick with your instincts and probably tell her tomorrow, privately.  Then she'll have a chance to digest that before her grandbaby's op.  It may even take her mind away from her own problems a little, especially if you can remain upbeat about your own.  Just say you can't wait to get treatment underway (true) and you'll keep her informed about everything, even the potential hair loss.  It's a rotten situation and if you'd rather leave it till later, that's understandable, but take today to weigh up the pros and cons.  Have a word with hubby, too, and see what he suggests about your dilemma.  What you need to avoid is someone else breaking your news and her finding out that way, as sometimes it can happen.

Ah dear, Chloe, everything always seems to happen at once, doesn't it?  Best of luck on your decision and let's hope nothing else crops up to muddy the waters

Hugs and more strength till you've sorted it out xxx