Awake and up all night

So here I am again, wide awake, trying to stop myself feeling terrified that it’s spreading day by day while I wait for results. 
focus on what you know they say, that’s the problem as I don’t know . So all I can go on it that I have a gut feeling that its spread and therefore stage 4 already. 
anyone awake that can distract me and ground me back to being positive again. Xxx

Hi Pepper. Yep, awake here too but not for the same reason hon. I get you though, as when my OH was waiting so long for his surgery I'd convinced myself the cancer was running riot, infecting everything in its path. We already knew his aggressive tumour was stage 4 and only surgery would save his life. Those 3 and a half months he spent in two hospitals were dire - I lived alone for the duration and thought he'd never return, but he did. The aftermath was crap for a long time but we trusted his surgeon, and his team, and he's now NED.

So my lovely, I understand how lousy it is for you now, and will be until you know where all this will take you, but try to get those positive thoughts back and kick the niggling ones to the back of beyond. You're going to know soon what can be done to see you right, so just hang on a little longer and trust your doctors, as they'll go out of their way to cure you sweetheart.

Now I hope I've not depressed you, but I just wanted to let you know that when I thought it was curtains for OH, I was wrong. I wish I'd have had more positivity back then as I might not be best pals with insomnia now. Lol.

If you fancy a brief chat, I'm up for one doll xxx

Thank you Gill 

yes you are right I need to stay positive in my head. 
Does it sound strange that I still feel like it’s all a bad dream and that hopefully I wake up soon and everything be back as it should.

no cancer, now worries, no sleep issues. 

feels like my old life as finished and now I have to start a new (not so pleasant one) in a totally strange direction. 

sorry to be so negative and thank you being there and listening xxxx

No worries sweetie and what you're feeling isn't strange at all, as they're my thoughts too.

We've more or less accepted our old life has gone, but we're trying to move forward and make the best of our new one. I never say new normal as some of the things I have to do now are abnormal! I mean, how many people have to insert a silicone tube into their partner's neck a few times every day? And the rest. But we do, because we want to carry on and let this insidious disease know it's not having any more of us.

Have you got a partner to talk to, as that's a big help if they're willing to be open and honest? Unfortunately, mine no longer has a voice and I've got to prise every mortal thing out of him, via a writing board or mime. It's a crazy world we live in hon xxx

No I live alone, no other half to lean. But lots of great friends (who can sleep lol) who keep me going during the day but night times are the most difficult for me. 

sounds like you have a tough ride too, glad you have each other though  

I’ve told pretty much told everyone who needs to know except my kids who are both grown up and living away so to tell them fave to face is proving difficult. 

hoping when I get results I can put some kind of positive twist on the news. Xxx

That's good that you've got some great friends to lean on, and take any help you can from them.

It's probably a good idea to tell your kids when you've got a solid idea from your doctors of your treatment plan, as that should alleviate their worries. Have you considered phoning the helpline? If you've got a Maggie's in your area, they're fantastic I've heard, and you can tell them everything, as well as about your sleep issues. These people have heard it all and will have solutions, I'm certain of that.

Well lovely, look at the time! I reckon we should both try for some shuteye now. Maybe put some soothing music on or a podcast. Any port in a storm sweetheart. Now try to relax and I'll say night night, big hugs my friend xxx

Hello Gill and Pepper. Thank you Gill for your down to earth reassurance offered almost round the clock. Pepper, I also live alone. I have cancer of the bladder. I can empathise with your current concerns, having had similar thoughts in 2017 when diagnosed. The following year I was in hospital rather often and at one point had the last rites read to me. Eventually the miracle workers in the NHS propped me up, albeit on palliative care (symptoms treated as they arise, but no major surgery because a significant heart murmur was discovered in 2017). Life now could be just a dream with unpleasant aspects but this new normal is 7 years old and I've become used to it - unless I wake up and find it WAS a dream! Chat to us and we  will 'hold your hand' as your treatment regime and the never ending waits for results  gradually pull you through. Best wishes.  Ray x

Good morning Ray, and thank you for your lovely and uplifting post.

I noticed there's a living alone with cancer thread, so maybe Julie would like to take a look there too. I guess you're seasoned enough already to bypass that one!

I'm with you that we'll all help Julie, and others, through these tough times Ray. I suppose I'm a bit lucky that I've always been a tough nut with a big gob - it's helped me with all the garbage anyway!

Righto Ray, I really am going to head off to the land of nod now, so I'll bid you goodnight and sleep well whenever you're ready to switch off my friend xxx

I feel exactly the same Pepper. I want my old life back. It's very hard to get used to but hopefully as the days go one, we will get used to it. 

And you're not being negative. It's a lot to get used to.

Julie xx

I could do with that other 'hand to hold' if that's ok Ray.

What is it with 3pm? It was bad enough without cancer, now it's taken on a whole new meaning!