Awake and up all night

Stacy, I'm so glad I have kept up with the diaries.  At the moment I'm digitising them, so going through totally everything.  I'm up to the middle of June 2023, a year into Remission and my physical health is deteriorating.  Work are planning to get rid of me because my disabilities were now visible.

It brings it all back to me.  I've had plenty of counselling over the past 4 years, trying to get to grips with things.

I still have some really good times, like last week when I met my younger half brother for the first time ever.  I only found out about him a few months ago!!  Our father was a bit of a 'jack the lad'.

I know I'm not the same person as I was B.C. - Before Cancer.  But I wouldn't change a thing!!!

I'm glad you have experienced having more empathy!  I know, keeping a brave face on is difficult. 

I remember when I had kept my diary for a year, I would go back to "On this day last year" to compare how I was getting on.

Finally, there's one thing I can do now, 'Waffle' on and on and on and on...

Take care 

Eddie, I've got a lot of testosterone back, last year it was over 25.  Pity the E.D. doesn't listen to it!

Brian, when I was on the hormones, I can't remember if I sweated much or not.

Evening Kez.

Good news that you're happy with the wig sweetheart. I remember my mam being so thrilled with hers that she bought another in a slightly different colour. It also made her look years younger, as the smiles came back too. Wear yours with pride my lovely xxx

Steve - Tracey says you do the second you get your wallet out!!

Kind Regards - Brian .

I agree that keeping a diary can be useful, particularly when clouted by the misfortune of cancer. I started my diary in 2010, mainly as a reminder for key dates connected with my interest in classic cars and motorcycles. A year or two later it was useful to include observations/thoughts, even dreams, to make it more readable as a personal history and useful because my chronological accuracy, memory wise, was often way out. Cancer came along in 2017, so the diary became a useful 'receptacle' for symptoms, treatments, appointments and notes on my morale. I have always had empathy for people who were suffering and a willingness to try to understand other people's points of view. I rarely get angry. The diary enables me to see how I reacted to previous cancer related activities and symptoms, then I read on a bit to see how things unfolded. The past can thus help me to calm down a bit when something similar crops up again. Also, because I do not own a smartphone, I can write essay length replies as it's much easier on a Mac with a proper keyboard and decent sized screen . 

Stevie, I am a very low secreter, so monitoring my testosterone is of limited value, and being castrate resistant my PSA readings aren't like most PCa patients, so its scans which are the priority for  me, never had ED issues.

Eddie xx 

I struggled to sleep before cancer.....busy brain...overthinking everything. I am even worse now. My bain is in overdrive. The past, present, future. So many wierd dreams :-(  

I got a wig for my daughter's wedding, a very good friend insisted on paying for it. It did look good.

H 

Good morning