Feeling alone

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Hi, I'm new here. I had a lumpectomy and SNB on 13th December and am awaiting my pathology results for next steps. I'm grade 2 pr+ her2- and just turned 40. 

I feel silly saying this, but even though I have family around me for support I find I'm feeling really lonely. I generally am a be positive, put myself last and get on with it kind of person so I find it hard to be vulnerable or ask for anything. People keep saying you'll be ok, you'll be on the other side soon and I'm smiling and nodding along but I just don't see it. The wait for the results to see if it's spread, if the margins are clear and if I need chemo feels so long. I had an appointment booked yesterday but the results aren't back so it's been moved to next week now. I know I'll have hormone therapy and radiotherapy. 

No real point to this post, just a little rant. 

  • You ain’t the first and won’t be the last to feel this. When I was diagnosed nearly 2 years ago I told myself I can be a victim and dwell on it. Or I can be a cancer patient and fight it. I chose to be the patient. I made jokes about everything to do with cancer and I always had a smile on my face. 

  • You are not ranting.  

    Loneliness in the midst of a crowd [read as non-cancer survivors] is real.  Much as they try, they can't get you.  You then have to conform so you don't feel out of place or make them uncomfortable. I still recall my first meeting at a cancer survivors' meeting...that was the first place that felt like home.....I did not have to put up any airs.  All i required was simply be.

    It is a crazy phase.  Write and sell yourself the script ahead because you would constantly need to reaffirm it to you as you trudge this road. And that script would come in handy when it seems that every waking minute you are either hearing/reading/knowing someone who died of cancer complications.

  • Oh, I was diagnosed 2 years ago January. 

    I was surprised when people kept saying I inspired them due to my outlook.  I think not having a frame of reference for cancer helped me quite a lot because for me, it was an illness like headache and I knew I already had my healing.

  • It is lonely, even with my husband by my side and my teenage children and mum and dad supporting and many visits and messages from friends. It's just our worries, our panick, our pain and heartbreak overwhelming us   - its just our bodies and minds consumed by this thing thats hit us like a bulldozer. Its madness. Its just not feeling like its true. But it is. Its the unknown. And everyone around us are worried too, but its not happening to them. So its just different. Im a little less lonely than I was. As I live more in the moment, appreciate a book or tv or a person or a view, i feel less lonely. When i think too much loneliness seeps back in. Similar to what  said really, zoning in less on the cancer, gooling less, just going with the teams next step and not running it around and around brings me to a better place. But I know that it wont be the same all the time. 

    Ninsim Heart

  • Thanks all Blush definitely not a pity party, I'm trying to stay positive as much as possible but sometimes it gets the better of me. I'm still at the beginning of my journey and I think/hope once I get my results and know what I'm facing I'll be able to get my head around it all and look forward xx

  • It gets the better of me too even though im being as positive as possible - not sure of its being positive or just trying to be me to be honest. Im a people person so Im better in the company of others than on my own. Its more "not being miserable all the time" than positivity. Stepping through treatment does help with the mind games x

    Ninsim Heart

  • Hi hope your treatment is going well and your feeling alot more at ease. I must admit I got diagnosed in October and only on the 2nd part of treatment I had EC 3 times now I'm starting weekly paclitaxel. I was really strong at the beginning but recently I have really shyed away from everyone and seam to get quite angry at people and feel like the whole world is against me I have literally stopped going out and just exist at the moment I've sought help and Dr's have really helped me it is the cancer and how it can effect your mind I've never felt this way xx

  • Hello. I've been feeling like this too. I've completed 4 ECs, now I'm 3 Paclitaxels down (9 to go). I've stopped going out and find it really hard to motivate myself to do anything really. What you say about just existing is really how it feels. It's hard to know how to get myself back out there, seeing people. It all feels overwhelming and scary. 

  • Hi, I’ve had 3 of my EC so far, last EC next Friday then I go onto 4 lots of paclitaxel.

    i have always struggled with anxiety and panic attacks whilst out so hibernating is normally my thing in times of high stress. But I know the more I shut myself away the harder it is to get myself back ‘out’. All the time my daughter was at primary school I had to go out but she started secondary in September so doesn’t need me in that way anymore giving more excuses not to go out. I’m also not allowed to walk my dog (she’s too big and strong and after reconstruction my surgeon didn’t want me to and I now have a PICC so can’t) giving me reasons not to go out - but…..

    I’m making myself, I make myself go out once a week doing something I love which is getting out to the beach for a walk, even if it’s only for 10 minutes. And then I try and I to get out once a week doing something that I have to ‘push’ myself to do. Something as simple as meeting a friend for coffee, going to get bread and milk, order something that needs picking up, things that I could easily get out of but I make sure I don’t. But I always make sure when I go out I have an ‘escape plan’ if it gets too much. Not too far from the car,  not too far from home, a friend who understands if I just get up and walk away and hide in the car…… The fear of going out can sometimes be strong but it always makes me feel better once I get the key in the door and walk back into the house knowing that I’ve done something for myself. And it does make you feel better.

    This journey steals so much from us, control over our health, confidence, appearance. Where we can we need to grab the things we can control and show it who’s boss!

       just recognising that you’re not getting out is the first step and talking it out loud is also a real positive. You’ve got this ladies, one step at a time, just baby steps are a perfect start x

  • We're on such a difficult journey and when it feels like no one understands it is definitely easier to hide away in your own little bubble. I do find when I go out, even if I really don't want to, it really helps my mental wellbeing. Maybe try buying less milk and bread at a time so you have to at least go to the shop and get more, or even a quick walk around the block to start just to get some fresh air xx