My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Thanks Sue xxxxxxxxx

Just wanted to drop by and send everyone a hug... H and I are back safe and sound from Paris, although it was touch and go for our return flight for a while there!

I'm glad that we went, I think that H really needed to know that we could do things on our own, but I have to say that on the whole I found it very upsetting. We have so many wonderful memories of our Xmas breaks at Disney, but it was so hard to be there without Miles. Had a bit of a meltdown when we came back to the house and have sunk into the pit a bit since we came home... but it looks like I'm not the only one struggling a bit at the moment. I have read and caught up on everyone's news - my word there was a lot to take in! Have missed you all while we were away...

H is poorly again tonight, and very weepy - think that everything has finally caught up with her - worrying about her takes my mind off other things though...

Much love to you all, Manda xx

Manda -into the middle of the huddle with Gayle and Lynne!

Everything is amplified by our loss; thing which we would cope with under any other circumstances become major issues. I can't get into my shed; the key won't turn in the padlock, so i can't get the spade out to clear the snow off the paths. i felt like taking an axe to the door today, except that the bloody thing is inside the shed!  Our children have been, and are going thrrough so much; i tend to get so caught up in my own feelings that sometimes i lose sight of the fact that things are very difficult for them as well, and it doesn't matter how old or how young they are - they all react in their own different ways, and we have to support them whilst coping with our own emotions.

Hang on  in there, Manda; we'll huddle round you and stop you falling off the edge.

sue xx

Evening all

Just in from my last walk of the day, not so cold tonight I am sure, but maybe I am just getting used to it - not used to taking so long to get to bed though ..... all the layers to take off! The warmest it got today (according to the car temperature gauge was -5!)

Hi Patricia, yes it was very quiet this evening.  I was ready for it as SD or Boy have been here since 16 December and I am used to a tidy, peaceful house but if I am honest I think I was almost getting used to it and it was a bit odd coming home today.  I completely understand your feelings about going past the oncology wing, I drive past the hospital a couple of times a week, but if I actually turn and look at it when I am passing ...... not good. So well done you.

Lynne, you must be shattered hun, hope your dad starts feeling better soon.

Sue, for me it is scraping the snow and ice off the car every morning, have never had to do it before, was always spoilt.  It is not that I grudge doing it, I am quite capable, I just grudge why I have to do it.  So your axe picture makes sense to me.  

Manda, well done you hun. Completely understandable the huge 'down' you feel when you walk in the house again. Hugs to you and Hayley.

Off to bed now, just glad I am not in Altnahara (coldest place) although I have to admit I have been there.  When I was little (well ... young) and lived 'down south' we used to go caravaning every year and one year my dad insisted that mum chose where we went (she is not so good at making decisions) and she put a pin in a map and you guessed it .... Altnahara.  Eight miles from the nearest shop, sixteen miles from the nearest town, and the meanest midges you ever met came out at 6pm on the dot so you had to be in the caravan with every window and door shut tight until dark.  It was that holiday that we all learnt to play cribbage and became scrabble experts!!

Love to all - Judi xxx

Give me the scarf and no one gets hurt ........

Morning everyone

Judi bug higs to you, you have had a busy time and I know I got used to having a full house over Christmas. Love the pic lol xxx

Patrica hugs to you too, well done you. You do a great job.

Manda hope you did sleep better last night with the help!! I know what you mean about changing roles. Nat had a really down time in November and I forgot my tears when she was so low xx

Lynne hope you`re ok, and your dad improves, even though you`re up early like me lol xx Have a lie in one day maybe!!

Sue I think I was always quite independent even when Paul was here (didn`t have the luxury of somone de icing the car for me like Judi lol!!) but there are some things I struggle with and the tears come, frustration that I can`t do it and the pain of missing Paul xxx

Lesley lovely photos on fb, it wouldn`t let me comment before. Will try again later.

Hope everyone else is ok this morning, what you all up to?

I am hopefully out with a friend tonight if the weather doesn`t put a stop to it. So fingers crossed!!

Helen xxx

Morning all , thanks for your concern last night Sue i have just been really really drained , i read all your posts but my mind couldn't take anything in , and i know what you mean about having to do things for yourself , when i got in thurs night  the recordable free view box wouldn't work and we'd only had it since april and as i knew it was in Gordons name i thought  thats it i'll never get it repaired , but i went into his e mails for details of when he bought it and on the receipt was a list of trouble shooters , so i had to go throught about  20 different things (a thing i never did ) and its working again , thank you Gordon for trusting me to have your e mail password or i would never have sorted it .xx They are sendind dad home today which i have to say i'm not happy with , he still cant take anything orally so everthing is going direct through a feed tube , (food , drugs , liquids ) and i know the problems that can occur with all this . Oh well just have to see what happens . Yes Helen how can we be so tired and still not stay in bed , cant remember the last time i was in bed beyond 8 am . I'm off to see my little Beth now for her birthday , at least that will be nice xx Enjoy your night out Helen , i'm supposed to be going to a fancy dress tonight but dont think i can face it . Lesley the baby photos are lovely , you look so proud xx Have a good day everybody , Hope your ok now its all quiet Judi , i love reading your posts . Ailsa , are you ok hun  Patricia hugs to you , Amanda welcome back and well done xx Dotee hang on in there , Gayle love your post on face book Fiona how are you ? Jacqui, Bren ,Dave Rosemary , Quill , hope your all  ok too now xxx

Take care

 Lynne xxxx 

take care out there, Lynne - hope Beth has a lovely birthday.

Sue xx

Little beth

Happy birthday to Beth. Lynne, such a worry for you but I hope that the district nurses are coming out to help with your dad. The ones we had were very good and sorted things out very quickly when Ray needed them. God bless them. Big hugs to you because your problems and worries never seem to let up. How I wish I could do something to make them all go away for you (the problems and worries I mean).

Helen, Sue, Lynne you are doing so well sorting out unusual problems. Well done.

Gayle, Amanda, Dottee hang on in there. You are doing so well even though you probably don't realise it.

Dave hope things are going well for you.

Judi, Esme, Lesley, Fiona, life throws all sorts at us and we all get through in our own way when we think it is just not possible. Our guardian angels are there for us helping us through. (Sorry if I have offended anyone by this comment but |I believe it wholeheartedly).

Anyone I have missed, I am sorry.  Here's hoping that today you all have a safe and happy day and manage to enjoy whatever you are getting up to. Myself, I am about to call my dad and my mum in law to see if they need any provisions. I am also going to get somne in for my daughter who is hopefully returning from her skiing trip today.  Hopiong that the snow lets up enough for my son to get over for his sister's birthday meal tomorrow but I thibnk I am hoping in vain. Yet another ruined birthday for my lovely daughter. Bad planning on my part having a child in January. Oh well.

Love and angel hugs to you all x x x Patricia x x x p.s. my arms are doing their best to extend themselves to surround you all in their loving warmth.

Napolen is baffled! What is this strange creature that has appeared?

Well, if you can't beat him - join him!

This could be luuuuurve!!