My husband - Chris - died on the 2nd May 2009 because he had anal cancer. He knew he was going and we spoke about lots and lots of things before he died. That is why I am just not prepared for the huge amount of guilt I feel now. I feel guilty that the world hasn't stopped turning round even though he has died. I feel like everything should stop as a mark of respect. I also feel very guilty that he had to be so ill he had to die. What a cruel cruel thing it is to make someone so ill their body just stops working. I wasn't ready for him to go. I really really hope these are normal feelings because I must hang on to my sanity for the sake of my 3 children. I have never known sadness like I feel right now. I can't believe that I will not hear his voice or feel his touch again. We were married for almost 32 years and I have known Chris for 34 years - since I was 16. What happens now? Ailsa
Morning, gayle
You are absolutely right about other people's problems; they are massively important to them, but we are not always in a position to take them on to our own shoulders as we are still very fragile.
Sorry to hear that you're not in a good place at the moment. We all dip in and out of the dark tunnel; sometimes the light at the end of it not only flickers but goes out altogether for a while; but Gayle, it will start to burn again, however weakly, and you will move towards it slowly and cautiously. This is not a good time of the year for picking ourselves up; dark, cold, snowy, and spring seems an eternity away. But it will come; the shoots are gradually poking their heads through the soil and they will persevere until they bloom again. We will too, Gayle - keep posting, my love, and we will support you as best we caan. You are not alone.
sue xx
oh Judi, what an evening you had! Offspring and their relationships are never easy to deal with at the best of times, and as we all know, this isn't the best of times for any of us.
i think you did exactly the right thing in giving them space, and it might have gone some way towards preserving your own sanity! Hope the mutts coped ok with it all. My Maddie can't deal with raised voices at all; she joins in with a mournful howl, which actually tends to relieve things at times, as she sounds and looks so pathetic. Not sure she is a real dog, at times I wonder if she is a labrador/human cross!
hope the said stepdaughter manages to catch her flight ok; things have started to move a bit at this end of the country, but i don't think we've seen the last of it yet. my road is still like a sheet of ice - I can't see any joins between the garden, pavement and road. ah well, just have to leave the car where it is and walk to work if the school is open tomorrow.
take care
group hug
sue xx
Dear Dot
I'm right with you, love - hang on tight.
We'll strive towards the flickering light, and we'll get there.
Please don't think for a minute that what you are going through is any less stressful and traumatic than what the rest of us are experiencing - there is not one of us, i am sure, who cannot remember only too clearly the sort of emotions and worries that are affecting you; I know that they will never leave me. Rejoice that you can still enjoy time with your lovely man ; i know you get frustrated with him at times, but i also know that you love him dearly; it shines clearly through every word that you write. Your fears and uncertainties about the future must in no way be diminished by comparing them with the situation that the rest of us are in. We need you, Dot, with your sincere, warm hugs and your compassionate words of comfort and wisdom; we know that they come from your heart, and we genuinely value your support and i know that the others also hope that we can offer you some support in your journey.
love and hugs
Sue xx
