My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

It is difficult but I suppose if we look back even a few weeks how much we have achieved.
Its all so life changing...no wonder we go a bit off the rails.....
xxx kaz

Have a lovely evening Sue catch you later xxxxxx

Yes your right Kaz , i darn't read my earlier posts , i know i would have sounded so desperate (still am sometimes) but i try and keep as busy as i can and dont stop to think now ,I still think its a long life without my husband .
LYNNE XXX

Take your lap top Sue and post the questions (i know its cheating ) but we are allowed , enjoy your chock .
xxx

Hi Everyone,

Sorry to hear some of us are struggling at the moment. I suppose as someone says it is just a constant rollercoaster. Never did like them before :-) !! I have been doing okish the past few days. Had a rubbish weekend last week so kept very busy this one. Whilst I am really tired now I am glad as I haven't been as down. Got a busy few days this week and then going to our caravan which we keep on a site up North for the weekend. Haven't been yet since Wully died as couldn't face it as he loved it although he hadn't been for since last summer. I had went a couple of times with the boys on my own so hopefully it won't be too bad. The boys love it as they can go out and play on their bikes or take the dog long walks. Then next weekend we will be in France so busy busy for a couple of weeks anyway.

I was reading a post a couple of weeks ago about someone who is currently fighting cancer and it made me think and has kind of stuck with me. Wully fought this illness with everything he had. He was like Mike Tyson!!! Right up to the day he died he was fighting and angry and it made me realise that he fought because he really wanted to be alive and be with me and the boys (not because he was scared of dying) and so I am holding onto that thought and hopefully in the future I too will be like that and realise that what I have is worth fighting for and being alive if that makes sense. It really struck a chord with me.

I got a letter from the hospice asking if I wanted counselling but I have decided not to bother for the moment. Whilst I do have guilty pangs at times because he was in the hospice when he died, I wasn't there the last day he was fully alert (he died 2 days later and I spent those 2 days with him), the times when I shouted at him, etc I don't let these thoughts overwhelm me as whats the point? I also probably have questions about why he died suddenly but I did ask them at the time and to be honest he was going to die soon so whats the point in blaming anyone or being angry about how quick it happened. It won't change anything or bring him back. The only real feeling I have constantly is this pining for him and missing him. But talking to someone won't change that. They can't bring him back and it is just something I will learn to live with I suppose.

Anyway enough of all this dreary talk. You all take care.

Gayle x

Hi Gayle , its not a dreary post i think your post srikes achord with a few us , how are men fought so hard to stay, because they didn't want to leave us , so we owe it to them to carry on and not waste our lives , that doesn't stop us missing them and needing them amd wanting them back but we know thats not going to happen I still have question for his doc though and i know it wont bring him back but i need to know some things . I think this site is the best counciling ever , your talking to friends all in the same situation , who would understand more ?
You take care

Lynne xx

I really felt that I did not need counselling and that I was managing ok. I felt really guilty about asking for help, thinking I was being a pest.
I spoke to one of the lovely guys at the hospice and it helped so much. Just to speak to somebody outside the family and friends circle.
If you get the chance to speak to a counseller give it a go, what have you got to lose!!!
xxx kaz

Dont feel guilty for wanting to talk to a counciler Kaz , we're all different , i would probably take it too if offered but dont think i'll ask (never say never tho ) Any thing that helps me get through this horrible journey i will take .
Hope your feeling better tonight
Lynne xx

Yes thanks Lynne
This weather does not help though it does get you down.
One of my friends has got a caravan in Yarmouth next week and invited me, it would be a nice break...maybe I will go !!!!
Kaz xx