Hi to everyone on here,
It's been a while since I was last on this site and sadly I see many new names. I say sadly because that means so many more have lost a beloved partner to the cruel awfulness that is cancer.
Like many of you, I found comfort from 'chatting' with others on here, especially in the early months. People who genuinely understood my pain, anguish, guilt and desperation that haunts us as we grieve.
I lost my husband during the dark days of COVID restrictions. I nursed him with no help from anyone, his hospital appointments cancelled, no chemo visits! And the awful rules that meant I couldn't be with him for his last few days when he was finally moved to a hospice, other than a brief PPE wearing afternoon visit.
I wasn't allowed to be there to hold him as he passed away.
How lost and angry I felt, not just at losing my husband but at the system for their neglect. My grief was so raw, I was incapable of functioning properly and I felt like I never would again.
Looking back I see that I made mistakes in the early days following the loss of my husband. I allowed others to make important decisions for me... As a consequence I sold my house, moved 200 miles and my life changed dramatically.
I still miss my husband so very much, I think of him everyday, and the pain will never leave me.
But, to all of you who are newly bereaved I want to say.. It does get easier, you will learn to live with your loss, you will create little gestures and ways to remember your loved one. I have certain times of the day that means something to me.. times that I think of as "Mark time" and I smile if I look at the clock and I see unexpectedly it is saying that exact time, or if I happen to see the time expressed as a number written randomly.
On his anniversary I like to go away for a couple of days and visit somewhere that was meaningful to him. I scatter just a tiny amount of his ashes letting his adventurous spirit continue to travel.
I wish I could say it stops hurting.. but it doesn't. But, gradually you will realise you can think of them and not cry, but with a smile and laughter as you remember all the happy times you shared together.
Allow yourself to cry and to grieve but also remember to look after yourself and to live your life as your partner would want you to... Be kind to yourself x
