My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Manda

Huge Hugs and all my best wishes to you and your family. your mum will be in good company with your hubby there to guide her. there are no real words to help at this time but we are thinking of you.

Becky

Evening everyone.  Manda I know I have said it already but I am sending more big hugs to you and H.  I was so sorry to read the news about your Mum.  Please take care of yourselves.  This will be such a difficult time for you and your family.

Rosemary I hope you are taking care of yourself as well.

Clare - Becky is my eldest daughter and Declan is my grandson, Becky's son.  I am getting a little more apprehensive about going now as Saturday gets closer.  I have said before that I think I make it hard for some of his family to relax without being reminded Chris isn't there but I have realised they do the same thing to me.  Maybe once I have done it the next time we get together will be easier.  That has so often been the way with every 'first' since Chris died.  I'm having my hair done tomorrow afternnon because if I am going to do this I am going to do it right.

I am planning a very early night tonight as I am tired and I have been getting up for work at 5 for the past 2 weeks and I think it is catching up on me.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

Hi penguins xxx

Manda so sorry to hear about your mum. Thinking of you all at this sad time and sending you hugs xxxx

Becky well done getting through your birthday and 6 months. Not easy xxxx

Ailsa sending you hugs too, hope tomorrow isnt too hard xxx

Not been a great week here, so many ups and downs and tears!! When does it get easier, or is it just more milestones we have to get through.

Anyway, I m still swimming so hope everyone else is

Helen xxxx

Oooh so much happening with the Penguins at the moment isn't there, biggest of hugs to you all - I only wish there was more we could do but even being next door to each other we can't make it all go away can we?  Happy Birthday never means the same anymore, but hopefully somewhere down the line we will feel like celebrating properly again so til then we take the good wishes, we "make the effort" and people can be happy that they remembered our birthdays and made sure we had a good day - which to be fair we often do but it's not the same.

Helen, hope you are ok and sorry there are more ups and downs for you too.  When someone starts a new relationship I always wondered if that made things easier to deal with, sort of moving on and able to live again (hope I'm not blundering around and saying wrong things here, just thinking aloud really), I long for someone to come along and just "be there" again, a shoulder to lean on properly and to share things with again, although having said that I immediately feel a shut down when it comes to thinking of finding some one or even trying to make a relationship so not sure I'm ever going to be ready - I keep wishing the right person would come along, sent by Steve and the angels for me and it will all just happen.... dream on.  So I'm jumping in the pool alongside you Helen and we'll swim together for a while if that's ok, just so there's company... oh and look over your shoulder, there are all the penguins skimming along with us, flippers going and buffeting the waves :-))

Ailsa hope things are going ok for you today, I can feel your anxiety all the way down here so I'm sending some soothing, strengthening thoughts your way and doing some deep, slow breathing for you to try and help you through.  Your hair looks great by the way :-)

Off to see the Kings Speech this afternoon with my two sisters so I must go and change and look presentable too, hopefully I will be able to get back on here later and let you all know how good it is - I have heard lots of good reports so far.  Take care all and if anyone is feeling too down and lonely I have left the kettle full, the tea and coffee ready please help yourselves to the kitchen and don't worry about the dogs just give them a biscuit and a cuddle - they are used to a few tears here and there - and I'll see you later xxxxxxxxxxx

Hi everyone.  Hope you are all doing okay today.  Helen I am really not sure when it all gets easier.  I have some really okay days - yesterday was one of those.  I was determined to take charge and contacted an old friend and arranged to go to hers for a couple of glasses of wine.  I had a nice evening catching up with her.  We were close when the kids were little but have seen very little of each other in the past 20 years.  We live 5 mins walk from each other so there really is no excuse.  Her husband walked me home and I am sure we will do it again.  I was really being positive.  Today I don't feel quite so positive.  Maybe it is the prospect of this party this evening and being surrounded by Chris's family.  I don't know.  It could also be that the friend I visited knew Chris but didn't know he was ill until they saw his death announced in the local paper.  We talked a bit about what happened last night so maybe it is that - although we also talked alot about old times and didn't just dwell on what happened to Chris so it was quite a cheery evening.  Who knows but something has made me a little subdued today.  Anyway Helen I hope that whatever has been distressing you this past week is getting better and I think maybe it is just more milestones we have to deal with.  I'll keep swimming as well.

Rosemary I hope you enjoy seeing the King's speech today.  I hear it is a very good film as well.  I know what you mean about wanting someone to come along and just be there but like you I recoil everytime anything like that is mentioned.  Funnily enough I was asked last night if I was seeing anyone.  My answer was still a far to prompt 'no' so I am clearly not ready yet.  I presume if I am ever ready I wll feel differently about the question.  Watch out for me in that pool of yours with the other penguins.  I would love to take you up on the offer of a hot drink as well.  Maybe see you on here again later.

Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

Hi Rosemary

Yeah its lovely to have someone to be there but not as easy as it sounds. So many emotions involved, not to mention dating again after 21 years!! Some days it makes everything easier but then others reminds me of what I ve lost. I m waffling too now lol

Also got a sad teenager who wont talk but thats nothing new!! Just makes me wish I had that magic wand again but I havent and cant `make it better`

Anyway I m enjoying our swim, thanks xxxx Enjoy the film xxx

Hi Ailsa we posted at the same time!!

Glad you had a good night, I m doing that with a friend next Friday. When people ask me about G I sort of play it down as if I shouldnt be `seeing someone` daft eh?

Thinking about you tonight, hope you have a good night. And yes your hair looks lovely!! xx

Hi everyone, I haven't been on much lately, just trying to cope with work and life in general but I am ok.

Sending load of hugs to Manda and hope you have an ok birthday today.  I am thinking of you and your family.

Ailsa, I know what you mean about his family.  Because I don't see family very often, they are so far away, when I go to Dan's mom's I feel that she is looking for the missing person behind me and that it does remind them when I am there alone.  It could just be me thinking that too, they are very welcoming and happy to have me there but I do feel it is a reminder.  I guess that is also something we need to learn to live with. 

I actually got up the energy to phone people last Sunday, usually I don't phone many others and let them call me.  Spoke to one BIL, MIL, tried another BIL and asked Danny's cousin to dinner this weekend but I was just talking to him and he has the flu so maybe next weekend.  It does give me the motivation to clean the house at least.   

My chiropractor has done wonders for my knees, they are not 100% better but much better and I have graduated from 3 times a week to 1.  I would never have believed that would help so much.   Since I survived the holidays, things are going ok, everyone around me is sick but so far I am fine.  Must be the oil of oregano. 

I have spoken to my handyman and he will put in a floor in my downstairs spare bedroom probably end of February so that gives me time to clear out the junk and will give me a lovely room for any penguins heading this way to stay in.  That is the last of the big house repairs, I will be happy to see that one done.

hoping you all have a good weekend.

love

Bren

Oh Rosemary, I know what you mean.  I find I miss the strong presence that was Martin.  I would love to have a man friend I could just be with, discuss things with, just platonic no strings.  But I suppose that would be asking for too much.  Don't you find that when you are widowed (Oh that terrible word) you seem to live more in a womans world'  I miss Martin's courtinousness.  Opening doors for me, carrying the shopping and all the things he did naturally.  I miss his strength.  Am I explaining myself, I don't know. I miss him just being there at home with me, being able to act natually with him, just being with him.  And now there is just me.  I am surrounded by family and friends, but here at home when I am on my own I feel as if I have been cut in half.  So alone.  Not lonely but alone, does that make sense.  Anyway that is how i feel.  I will now stopp waffling, promise.

Hope you enjoyed the Kings Speach.  You will have to let us know,.

Ailsa, I hoped you enjoyed your evening last night and it went well.  I am glad you enjoyed your visit to your friend.  It sounds like you will now keep more in touch.  You are right about the feelings.  It is such a roller coaster, one day up next day down.  Will we ever be 'normal' again, whatever that normal is.

Bren, it is good you are now strong enough to be able to phone people instead of waiting for them.  I know what you mean then, I tend to let people phone me, perhaps I should take a leaf out of your book. Glad your knees are better now.  It is not good when you have problems like that. 

Anyway, hope all you penguins are having as good a day as you can.

I have my daughter and family staying this weekend, so it is a bit hectic but good.  I usually do a big spread and my other daughter comes round with her family, but just can't manage that yet, so am taking them all out for a meal which is expensive but makes it more easy for me. 

To all you penguins who are going to Liverpool soon  I really looking forward to seeing you all, and to those who cannot make it I hope to see you another time.

((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))) to you all and don't forget keep swimming.  See if you can catch mexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi Everyone,

Manda, I am so sorry to hear your news and I am thinking of you and H.  Ailsa, I hope your party went okay last night and I can understand your aprehension.  I still get like that when I visit W family but I think its just a huge reminder of him also.  Rosemary, hope you enjoy the cinema and Helen I'm sorry to hear you have hit the rollercoaster again.  Bren, glad the knees are improving.  Big Hugs to everyone who needs them.  I'm really looking forward to seeing you all again soon as it feels like ages since we last met! 

I'm doing okay - just really busy with work but only 7 tax returns to go and this is the last week of madness and then I can calm down a bit with it and get my finger out with my own business.  Got stuff moving so far so its looking good.  I've had a busy week too as I feel that I am starting to feel a bit more in control of myself.  I went to the hypnotist on Monday night as I posted on FB.  Very strange experience but lovely all the same and it works!!  Everyone is really sceptical about it and think I am mad but it is very strange and hard to describe but seems to be working.  On Friday night I was going out with the girls and I am always rushing about and usually grab a bag of chips or something but I walked right past the chip shop and came home and made toast!  Then today I took the boys to ASDA cafe for breakfast before we did our shopping and I really couldn't have ordered a fry up (and its not just that diet feeling that I better not) and I had a bowl of cereal.  Its very bizarre but I'm not questioning it - long may it last!  I'm still doing weightwatchers too so I can monitor what I am eating.  I also had an appointment on Friday to see about Laser Eye surgery and it went well (apart from not being able to see for the rest of the day after they put drops in my eyes) and it is all booked for 2 weeks time.  I can't wait as it will be so good to not have the hassle of glasses or contact lenses.  Not looking forward to not being able to wear make up for a week and probably a couple of days off the computer so I will  have facebook withdrawal lol.  It was Wully's birthday yesterday and it actually went okay.  We bought cards and took them down to the beach and the boys collected stones and shells to leave with the cards.  It was okay and we had nice happy thoughts.  Also had a nice message from Wully's ex saying she was recounting her own fond memories of him and thinking of us (still seems strange!).

Anyway, better get on as I am going to clear out Ewan's room.  Wish me luck!

Gayle xxx