My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Hi all u dear penguins -- Havent posted for a while but pick up a lot on f/book. How these feelings come + go, last week I didnt have time to think as I had to go to Bath to see my step g/daughter settle into boarding school + then met a pal from this site + we spent Saturday sightseeing + gorging ourselves. Sunday was grandson busy bee's day my he's getting taller + can reach higher + climb. Somehow this week I'm on a down spiral again, silly little things + comments started me off + not sleeping so well, + just dreading the 1st xmas + anniversary. Anyway hope all u penguins are coping love + <<<< HUGS>>>> to all xx lynda

Dear Lynda, I am so sorry to hear you are having a 'down' time. It is not easy is it. This roller coaster of emotions take us by surprise and never seems to slow down. I hope that you and the others who are coming up to your 'first' Christmas can get through it in the best way you can. I cannot tell you how to do this and neither can anyone else because it is an individual journey which only you can travel. All I can do is offer love and support to you all.

I hope that everyone else is managing to get through these long lonely nights without getting too 'down'

Lynne, I hope your hand is soon feeling better. It sounds like you have been having a bit of bother with it.

Love and angel hugs to you all x x x Patricia x x x

Evening everyone.  Well I don't know what is the matter with me these last few days.  I am feeling very down and don't seem to be able to drag myself out of it.  The trouble is that after 18 months that isn't the easiest thing to share with people as I think they are all hoping I am no longer as needy as I was a year ago.  I have tried to meet with a couple of friends in the past week and not been able to get in touch with either of them.  That has made me realise how difficult it is to do things and have fun on your own.  I am sure I will pull myself out of this hole in a day or so - that is so often the way isn't it?  I think I might have to do the same as you Pam and curl up on the sofa with a duvet and a small drink of something.  Maybe just giving into how I feel is the best solution for now.  I am going to have a children in need evening on my own tomorrow and then on Saturday I am going to Becky's for my evening meal and then staying over to watch x-factor and strictly with her.  I am hoping to get some serious Christmas shopping done as well.  I have plenty planned so hopefully that will 'fix' me.

Lynda I am sorry to hear that you are having a down time.  I am sure your little grandson can help you out a bit there - mine usually can.  Take care.  Good evening Patricia - how are you this evening?  You and I should make arrangements to go for coffee again sometime soon if you fancy that.

I hope everyone else is okay this very chilly evening.  Happy birthday Rosemary - I hope you have had a good day.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

Oh Ailsa, this 18 month mark is a difficult one I found. You are in no-man's land as regards your grief. I was told only a few days ago, that 21 months is still 'early days' so what do you make of that? Just come here Ailsa and get out your feelings. We all understand and do not judge, just offer the hand of friendship and a shoulder to cry on when needed. As regards meeting for coffee, that would be lovely but you will have to wait until I am no longer infectious as I do not want to give you my sore throat etc., etc.

I hope you have a good evening tomorrow and enjoy the rest of your weekend. It is difficult to make your way in the world alone. Friends have their own families and even though they promise to stay in touch, I have found that it is somehow always down to me to make contact. Nothing new there though. It was always either Ray or myself who kept in touch with people and arranged outings.

I will let you know when I am better anmd try to arrange a meet with you.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

hello penguins

sorry to hear lynda and ailsa that you are both having a low time. I think allowing your self some time to allow the emotions out is good, have a short while to yourself and gather yourself for the 'swimming' ahead.

Gayle I hope the move has gone well and you and your boys are settled at last.

well what can I say it has been a strange week. Mostly I have been much less tearful and more productive. I think that might be because I am still staying at my parents and the lonelyness and absence of my husband are not so obvious. I have seen friends and family all week. But i think it is catching up with me a bit today, I have found myself more tearful today. I don't think that the visit to my friend and god daughter yesterday helped. I don't seem to feel bad visiting them but we talked about other friends who have recently married and are trying to start families of their own and it just brought home just more of what we lost, the chance for Mark and I to have a family. I would still like to be a mum but i now don't know how, I can't see me finding anyone else and certainly not while I am still young enough to have a family, maybe I will have to be a single mum with the help of a bank! we will seen in a few years. I go hoe tomorrow and I have a feeling it is going to hit me like a train on sunday morning. plenty of baileys tonight I think.

I hope you all enjoy the children in need entertainment on telly this evening, I will admit I am going to my sisters later so will be avoiding it. take care all, keep swimming and big HUGs.

Becky

Evening everyone.  Thank you Patricia and Becky for making me feel better about being down.  Thank you Rosemary as well for ringing me in my hour of need.  Patricia as son as you as feeling better we must arrange to have that coffee.  I didn't realise you weren't well so take care of yourself and get some rest.  I am still feeling down and lonely but probably less surprising to those who know me I am still keeping myself busy.  I have watched a film this evening that I have promised my youngest daughter I would watch.  My Christmas cake is in the oven as I type.  I have also been scanning old photos this evening.  They are very, very old ones from Chris's family so they don't make me cry too much.  Chris is only on a couple of them.  They are in a frame that Chris did years ago - a kind of a collage.  Stu loves some of the photos in it and happened to remark that he hoped I had copies somewhere safe.  I have archived a lot of photos but had never thought of doing those.  I sat and took the collage apart this evening, scanned everything and then put it all back together - how industrious is that!?

Becky I think you maybe have the right idea about Children in Need.  I had forgotten how upsetting some of the children's stories are.  Never mind - the entertainment is good so I will concentrate on that.  I will join you in a bailey's though.

Well I should go and check that cake again.  Take care everyone and have a good weekend.  Ailsa xxx

Morning all

Sorry that I haven't been here much recently........and I haven't read everything written here as yet.......

So I'm just going to leave lots of ((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))) for you all

Dot xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

morning penguins

Its sunday morning and it is just me and my cats at home. After spending the last week at my parents it feels very lonely. It was a 'big' week in terms of events but I managed well I think, I did not feel guilty about that as such but has made me wonder why I could manage so big a dates so well. It is all so early, as well as his 40th birthday on monday it was 4 months since he died on wednesday. Only 4 months out of the rest of my life and 4 months he hasn't been here, it still feels so strange, painful yes but odd and like it isn't really happening. When I cry there is a little voice in my head telling me I am a drama queen and I will feel silly when he walks in the room again. How stupid is that, denial but I know what the truth is, very strange. Am I normal, is there such a thing as normal.

On a different note has anyone herd from gayle and her move, is she in and settling? I guess it is taking time to get online and she is very busy.

There seems to be alot of us suffering from the low mood that this time of year has a tendancy to bring out. All the short days, long nights and the TV perminantly advertising christmas as this really happy family time that we don't get to have anymore. I have taken to turning over or muteing the Tv in the adverts, can't bare it. Although I returned home yesterday to find my TV remote has stopped working, tried new batteries, no luck, back to the old days of getting up to change the channel!

I think we should all be kind to ourselves at this time of year, big HUGS to all and keep swimming.

Becky

Hi all, lots of hugs to everyone as I haven't caught up properly with all your posts but I think most of us are all needing the sparkly rope to hang onto at the moment.  Becky you are doing so well and you aren't a drama queen - well unless we all are - so cry as much as you like and whenever you like but..... then you take a big breath, wrap yourself in a huge hug and know that you can carry on.  Maybe one day there will be someone for you and chidren, but that is something you don't need to think too much about right now - sorry that sounds pompous doesn't it, I don't mean it like that, I just know that at the times I try to look to far into the future I feel panicky and overwhelmed, so let the future take care of itself, never say never as we don't know.  If we are lucky enough the right person will come along and things will fall into place in a way we never thought they would and before all this we never knew they would have to.  Maybe they will, maybe they won't and maybe we will set up a Penguin Commune and adopt children to share together and have a blooming huge Penguin Christmas that the rest of the world will be wildly jealous of - and still we will all have that secret little longing in our hearts that everything was as it was when we didn't realise how precious it was.  Just remember in all those ads with all those happy smiling families.... they are lying!  They will all be fighting, no-one will want to watch the same thing on tv, the dinner will be a stressful event, everyone thinks everyone else everywhere else is having a wonderful time so they want one too, the kids will be spoilt, too much money will be spent and the meaning of Christmas is totally lost - so hey what are we worried about?  Enjoy the Christmas for whatever you can make it, a time spent with friends and family or a quiet time remembering other times, there will be a few tears of course (ok lets admit it, wracking sobs from time to time) but as we plod on along this road there is also time and space for smiles too.  I had better stop now and climb down off this soap box, sorry, I always end up rambling, waffling and whatnot, but actually all I want to do is give you a blooming great big hug, wave my magic wand (which Fiona and I are still trying to track down) and chuck some fairy dust about to make things right.  Take care all and I will try and get back later and write some sense - in short paragraphs xxxxxxx

when my sister died of breast cancer i had very similar feelings wondering what people i passed in the street had to be so happy about did they not know what had happened? in time i began to realise that i had no right to expect people to feel as lost and empty as i did.since then i have cared for my father with stomach cancer until he passed away and am know caring for my wife with a brain tumour.