My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Hi to you all.  I hope you do not mind me butting into this thread but I saw the Heading and it was so surreal.  My darling husband, Martin, died on 23rd September 2010 and I found your words of grief were so much how I feel now.  The little monkey did not die in my arms.  I was beside him on the bed all afternoon, just the two of us, so peaceful, when the doorbell rang.  I was away for about 2 minutes and when I came back he had gone. it was as if lhe had been waiting for me to leave so that it did not distress me so much.

This site has been a help to me, although nothing can ease my grief and nothing can stop the tears.  I just hope that there will be a time when I can look back without crying and without that terrible sense of dread.  At the moment, my future seems so meaningless and I just can't believe that this is happening to me, I keep thinking it is a bad dream and I will wake up soon.  But I know this will never be.  Nothing can be the same again.

Pam

Dear Pam, so sorry for your deep and tragic loss. It is so foten the case that loved ones seem to wait for their nearest and dearest to leave their side, before they actually pass. The very same thing happened when my mum died. Dad had been sitting there for hours and had decided to go for some dinner. Shortly afterwards mum left this world.  Perhaps as you say trying to save him the stress of watching her take her last breath. I do hope that you are able to find some comfort here amongst people who understand something of what you are going through. Of course we cannot know exactly how you feel because we are not in your head.  Your ready tears are understandable. It is only very early days for you. Many of us on here still cry very easily and sometimes at very inopportune moments. As you say noithing will ever be the same again. However, in time you will find a new 'normal' albeit not the 'normal' you would like.  take care of yoiurself Pam and be mindful of your own health. If you feel you can manage it, read some of the earlier posts and then as you read on you will see how far most of these dear people have come on this awful and unwanted journey.  Have you found yourself crying when you were in the supoermarket or when you realised you didn;t need to buy certain items anymore? If not then watch out for that. It is a very normal reaction.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Hi Pam,

I am so sorry for your loss and hope you get some support on here.  I would be lost without the wonderful friends I have made on here who have helped me down this very difficult road.  Patricia had some very good advise and words for you.  I think your husband probably did want to spare you the sadness of watching him die.  It is very early days for you and lots of tears are to be expected but it will get easier with the support of friends and family.  We are here if you need us.

Gayle x

Pam, welcome to the thread, although I am so, so sorry for the reason that brings us all here.

We are all at differing stages of this lonely journey, but as Gayle, our baby penguin, says,  we would all be lost without the mutual support and friendship  on this thread.We have shared all sorts of experiences, including, believe it or not, a lot of laughter amongst the grief. You'll soon become used to our different personalities (OK, Lynne, I won't say a word!!!) ; please keep reading and posting as and when you feel able, and we will support you in every way we can,.

Sue xx

Thanks for that Sue, I am seeing others on this thread that are gradually coming through to the other side and that makes me feel a bit better.  I know I have a long way to go and have to go through the grieving process before I can move on.  But it is so hard and it feels so long.  It has only been three weeks and I know that is not long, but I really don't want to feel this way and am frightened as I know I will feel this way for a long time to come.  Sorry to be so down, but it is just the way I feel.  But I will keep reading this thread so I can see what the future will hold for me.

Pam x

Hi everyone.  Hello & welcome to you Pam.  Like the others I so wish I did not have to welcome you are here but please keep reading and posting.  I have no idea how I would have coped since my husband died last year if they were not here.  Sue is right as among the tears we have also found the time to have a few laughs in a safe and understanding environment.  Three short weeks is not very long so please take care of yourself and accept all offers of help with paperwork, meals & company.  We are here when you want to talk as the fear of upsetting those you love can sometimes make it very difficult to say what is on your mind to friends & family.

Evening Patricia, Sue & Gayle and anyone else looking in.  I've made yet another trip to IKEA this evening - that company must love me.  I am still working on the garage but very slowly for now.  My sister has phoned this evening and it looks like she may come and stay with me for the weekend.  The house has been very quiet since Becky & Declan moved out so it will be lovely to have some company.  I hope everyone is okay this evening.  Take care.  Ailsa xxx

Hi Pam,

I know exactly what you mean about wanting to rush away the horrible feeling and pain you are going through.  Sadly you can't and like you said it is a process you have to go through.  It does get easier though - I promise you that.  I am not saying that it ever goes away.  I am almost 16 months down the line and still have lots of sad moments but after a few months I was able to go out with the kids and do normal stuff and have some "happy" moments.  The downtimes (for me) become less frequent and don't last as long.  We are here to give you as much support as you need.

Ailsa, that sounds lovely that your sister is coming to stay.  Like you say I suppose it is very quiet without Becky and Declan. 

I have been really feeling it this week as I didn't go away with work so I have been in the house and the other night I felt so lonely and bored and very restless. The kids go to bed at 7, housework done, etc and I was sitting thinking is this it?  Is this what I have to look forward to?  Sitting watching tv on my own yet again.  Just going through one of those down periods at the moment which will hopefully lift soon.  It has been a really rubbish month so I am hoping it finishes soon and someone sends me some good luck as kind of fed up with all this bad luck I have been having lately.  Life is back about existing rather than living which isn't good.  If I could only get this house sorted I would be at least be busy again.  But I stopped packing for the moment as it could be weeks.  Right I better stop moaning and feeling sorry for myself and actually do some work.  My boss is on holiday today and the kids were at my parents last night so I have done hee haw so far.  Finger out!!

Take care penguins

Gayle xxx 

Hi everyone

Welcome Pam and as the others said, so sorry you have to join us.  It is still so very early for you and we all do know how you are feeling.  There are no words to make it better but we are here for you.

Gayle I do hope you get your house sorted soon.  I know exactly what you mean about when the boys are in bed and you are sitting alone.  I feel that every night after I have had my dinner, sit there and think 'what do I do now?' and often think of just going to bed as the nights are long to sit alone.  I am not looking forward to a long and lonely winter.

I did survive the weekend although it was very tough, the last time Danny spoke to me was a year ago Monday when he called from hospital to say he didn't feel well.  Then half an hour later the nurse called and said I better get there fast, he had collapsed.  He was then on a ventilator for just over two weeks.  So we are now in the count down days until the anniversary and it is really hard.  I just want to curl up in my corner.

I did get out with a friend on Sunday and that got me through the weekend.  I took the dog to Agility drop in which is a dog training place where we can drop in on Wednesday evenings and use the agility equipment like having him jump through tires and walk on balance beams.  He is so good at that and it is a good outing for him and exercise for me too.  Tonight I have my group and that is good, it will leave me very tired tomorrow because we stay and chat afterwards.   Saturday the Humane Society has another outing for dogs which we may go to, I never know what I will feel like these days so may not be up to it.  I will get through the next few weeks, I am going to take a couple of sick days on the day before the anniversary and the anniversary itself but I have no plans yet.

Sending hugs to all the penguins

Bren

Bren, it looks like you need to be making your way to the centre of the penguin huddle. Can you pull Lynne in there with you too because she is needing it. Perhaps Pam would like to join you too. You all sound to be in need of some tlc.

I hope everyone else is doing fairly well at the moment although it seems that once again lots are in need of love and support.

I hope Linda is doing ok in China. I bet she is ;loving looking after her grand-children.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Morning all.  Morning Bren, Patricia, Gayle, Pam & anyone else looking in.  I thought I would get in a quick post in case I don't get a chance once Fiona gets here (my Fiona not our Fiona!).

Gayle I will send you lots of good wishes to get your life back on track.  You have had a very difficult month.  Only another week and I will be on my way north to see you and the pthers.

Patricia I will join you in wishing Lynda a continued good trip to China.  I am not doing too bad just now as I have plenty to keep myself occupied so I can go to the outside of the huddle and do some of the TLC.

Bren you sound like you have a few things to do if you want in the next few days.  I hope they help a little.  Enjoy your group.  Take care of yourself as the next few weeks are bound to be difficult.  I handled it very badly and it wore me out.  I will watch for your posts and send you lots of ((((((hugs)))))).

Well this won't get me ready for work will it?  Some days I struggle with my motivation even now.  It will be fine when I get there.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx