My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Its ok My Sue ,, there was happy tears ?? if ever there was such a thing and Helen has made me smile as she has booked her train  tickets for the charity day  bring it on xxxx

Sue what a beautiful picture xxx

Gayle sending you more hugs and like Lynne says can give you a real one next week ((((())))))

PP I echo what Lynne said, you have still lost the love of your life xxxxx

I ve just booked my train tickets to Chesterfiedl and got timetable for Manchester trains on Saturday!!! Cant wait to see you all again. Cant believe how busy my calendar is lol!!!!

I ve been back to the gym tonight after 2 weeks off , I need to catch up with Lesely lol!!! She s putting me to shame. Off to water my garden, catch you all later

Helen xxx

Hello everyone,

Thank you for all the lovely messages and support today and love the picture Sue.  Judes, thanks for the text - it was exactly how I was feeling right at that moment.

Well sorry but be prepared for a down post.  Avert your eyes if you are easily upset lol.  Today has been horrendous.  I didn´t think I could feel this pain again but it has all come back and I feel like I have taken 10 steps backwards.  You know that terrible physical pain where your whole body feels like it is grieving along with your head.  I went to the crematorium today and just lost it.  It was so painful and from then I haven´t been able to stop the tears and I am now exhausted.  I just want to give up at the moment.  Games a bogie as we said as kids.  I am fed up with life being rubbish all the time and having to make a new life.  I am back to my toddler tantrum and just want to stamp my feet.  Why us?  What did we do to deserve this and what is the reason for it.  I know I always say to myself that it is fate and that the reason for this happening will become evident one day but I just can´t see it - unless its just to punish me for something. 

Sorry for the down post but I just can´t find any strength today.  It has all gone and I just want to climb into my bed and not get back out of it again.  Tomorrow is another day as they say but if its like today or yesterday or the day before then whats the point.  If it wasn´t for my boys then I don´t know what I would do.

I better go and do something constructive although running out of things to clean out! 

Gayle xxx

Gayle this is another downward spiral on this neverending rollercoaster. It will start to travel upwards again fairlyu soon hopefully. It is a rollercoaster which never seems to stop or low down to let us off. Take care hun and sometimes it is ok to give in to that grief just so long as you don't get lost in it.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Gayle I really really hope you find the peace I and I think Ailsa found once `this day` was passed xxx It is so exhausting in the build up to it, having to go through the days this time last year and the date xxx If you know what I mean xx

Like you say tomorrow is another day and the boys will keep you going xxx

Big big hugs xx

Helen xxxx

Gayle I really have to echo what Helen says - after 'the day' I woke the next morning feeling slightly better.  I am a really calm person as a rule and I still cannot believe that I had actual anxiety attacks in the days and weeks before the anniversary of losing Chris.  I know exactly why I felt better as well so I hope you will too.  I felt better because I had been re-living each day exactly as it had happened the year before but without the distraction of looking after Chris and knowing what was about to happen.  I re-lived every word and action vividly.  On the 3rd of May there was nothing to re-live as that same day the previous year is a complete blank to me.  We are all different in how we grieve but there are also similarities.  I have tried hard to listen to Helen & Lesley and how our loved ones would hate that they made us this unhappy.  For that reason I make the effort and you will find you can too.  Don't be hard on yourself.  You will feel a little better very soon I am sure.  You're strong and you can do it if you allow yourself the time and care.

Hi PP.  Please don't feel you can't join in because you were not married to your lovely fiance.  I think it is lovely that you read this thread and think we all know each other really well.  I hope you and others know you can join in whenever you want as we only know each other from this site.  Some of us have met each other but there are some we haven't met yet.  It feels like we have been friends for years and we have plenty of support to give to others.  There is always someone who says just the right thing (or posts the most appropriate picture Sue) and that needs to be shared because it really helps.

Bren how are you this evening?  I hope you are okay.  It is horrible when that feeling swamps us.  I am having a bit of a confidence crisis these past couple of weeks.  I feel sure it will pass soon though as there has been a pattern of feeling really bad for one reason or another and then it lifting after a time.  I hope something happens to lift your spirits soon and in the meantime lots of ((((((hugs)))))).

Lynne - I am driving to you in Chesterfield on the 3rd so I will be in touch when I have figures out what address I need.  I have the email from Gayle with the hotel details on it so that be all I need. I will look it up tomorrow or Wednesday.  I have Tuesday & Wednesday afternoon off work.  I hear what you say about slowing down and believe me I would if I could remember how to!!  At least I have put these 2 half day holidays in.  I am going to the bank tomorrow and then on to visit an old friend who lost her husband to cancer on the 6th June.  On Wednesday I have booked Stu for some heavy jobs in the garage before the match starts.  If your right I will slow down when Becky arrives, or she can help and then things will get done quicker lol!  She arrives while I am in Chesterfield.

I will slowly remember the things I said on Sunday and then lost when I lost my post but I am still very tired for some reason so I should probably get off to bed.  Judi I cringed and laughed as I read about Joey.  Those long thin legs had me worried.  I hope he is still recovering from his escapades.  Take care everyone.  Goodnight.  Ailsa xxx 

Dear Lynne, Patricia, Helen & Ailsa,

thanks so much to you all ~ your genuine kindness means so much.

Take care,

Sarah (PP)

Evening all . and once again Hi to Sarah , (i've pm,d you hun ) I like Sarah she calls me lovely Lynne lol .. Gayle i really hope you a littel more settled today hun , my turn coming but i have a secret weapon to get through the day . I've had some things come today from the Prostate cancer charity , pens , key rings , flags , posters , balloons , t shirts and i was going to use them on the charity day but i had an idea today (Gordon would normally have been groaning at this point ) In the hospital they have a display stand which  charities do collections and displays , so i've been to see the hospital bosses today (they cant hide form me ) and asked if i can use the stand to display and collect on the anniversary . I have got to get a consultant to sign a form to give me permission to do a collection on hospital property(no probs)  and i've asked my boss if i can have a hour or so off to do the collection , of course she's said yes . So although i was dreading going to work on the day at least i've got something positive to do too . Not sure if i've bit off more than i can chew but if i have someone will take over form me i'm sure .. Ailsa will you text me as your number has dissapeared for my phone .. Hope everybody is having a good day , i hope the good weather stays for the next couple of weeks .. Thank you to Lesley and Amanda for the vouchers , you ladies never cease to amaze me xxxx 

Take care

 Lynne

Evening everyone,

Well feeling a lot calmer today (although pretty angry but thats another story lol - people never cease to amaze me in a bad way that is).  It has taken my mind off other things and feel a lot more peaceful today although I still feel like I am "waiting" for something although not quite sure what that is.  I pick up my new car tomorrow so I am excited about that - will be able to give it a good run next weekend down to sunny Chesterfield.

Welcome Sarah, sorry I never had a chance to welcome you sooner but as you probably noticed I was having a bit of a meltdown the past few days.  The ladies on here are an amazing bunch and we were all new at one point so please continue to post and soon you will feel like you have always known us and been here like we all do.  I hope we can give you some support when you need it.

Lynne, that sounds a fantastic idea for the anniversary but just you be careful xxx  You know what I mean and its now my turn to keep sending you hugs.  I can´t wait until next weekend to be able to catch up with you all properly and then we can start planning our next penguin meet - maybe we should think of somewhere more exotic than Newcastle - like Dublin or something??? Just a thought.

Anyway, hope you are all doing okay today and thanks again.  Sending hugs to all that need them.

Gayle xxx

No problem Lynne, still hoping to be there but will have to see. xx

Welcome to Sarah and big hugs to everyone. Sorry I've not been on lately, just keeping busy, for some strange reason need to stay on the move just now and prefer being out of the house to in. Just have to go with it for now but am thinking of you all. Looking forward to catching up with some of you on Saturday. xxxxx Lesley xxxxx