My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

I am a bad penguin!  I have lost track of all the goings on here and will have to start again later, but just to let you know I am thinking of you all (not quite in a corner Patricia but you are quite perceptive), I should have time and a notebook later to get everything sorted.  Sam doing fine and very happy, although the journey is proving to be a nightmare at times, she has made friends and had a funny journey home last night - will fill you in soon xxxxxxxx

Manda - (((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Evening everyone.  Hope you are all okay.  I'm looking forward tothe funny journey story Rosemary.  I am glad it is going well for Sam.

Judi well done getting new flights with another airline. Nearly here now - what a lovely time you & Boy are going to have.  I'm looking forward to the photos.  How's the non-hairy bits??!!  I have had a night off from the garage tonight and done my garden instead.

Lesley I am not a bit surprised you burned your dinner and made a mess of your clothes - how could you possibly do that many things at once.  Is ther any of the rhubarb & ginger cheesecake left - it sound lovely.

That should be you just about on half term holiday shouldn't it Helen - enjoy.  I have a busy weekend ahead - Bex & Dex here and the others dropping in frequently.  I am having my hair done and I am going to the theatre on Sat  night. to see Little Voice.  Is anyone else up to anything nice?  Best get off to bed.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx 

Evening everyone,

Judi, are you mad lol?  I can only just get my eyebrows waxed and can't bear getting anything else done.  Thats a bit of a pain about the wait at Heathrow but there are lots of shops you can visit!  I am sure you will have a fantastic time.  Don't worry about Monday - we can catch up when you come back from your holidays.  Ailsa, the garage project sounds like it is coming along just nicely.  Little Voice sounds really good and thats great news that Bex and Declan are coming home.  I am sure you will love having them nearby.  Rosemary, glad Sam is doing okay with her travelling.  Helen, enjoy your break and Sue glad you survived Ofsted.  We have the Care Commission up here who visit the playgroup and they are a nightmare so I can sympathise.  Lesley, that dessert sounds fantastic - yum!

I'm doing okay.  Having my moments but keeping busy to try and push them to the back of my mind.  Last night Wully jumped into my head and I could see him so vividly as he was at the end and he was such a poor soul that it is just too distressing to even think about.  I was always so busy doing everything at once and wished I had spent more time just sitting with him talking.  I had to phone the hospice today as well (we are doing some fundraising for them at the playgroup) and it was okay but brought memories back too obviously.  The guy I know was asking how I was and I told him about you lovely ladies and he thought that was fantastic.  Then I went to Asda tonight and decided to buy Wully's and my dad's father day cards while I was there.  That was a lot harder than I thought it would be.  I really had to take a deep breath and nearly walked away a couple of times as had to read them but didn't want to start crying in the middle of Asda.  Its so bloody unfair that my two boys can't spend time with their dad. 

Anyway, I've had a bizarre realisation today that Wully is watching over me (I think lol).  There was an occasion a few weeks ago when I shouldn't have done something and I nearly didn't but of course did.  My phone stopped working (never has before or since until today) and only started working when it was almost too late to change my mind - almost like a warning - hard to explain.  The same thing happened today (my phone stopped certain texts but I got other ones from friends and work?) and again I just did it but shouldn't have in hindsight and now I really think he is watching over me and trying to warn me when I am walking into situations that I should avoid.  Not anything really bad just things that I should think about a bit more before jumping in with both feet.  Then I started feeling guilty thinking is he thinking bad of me if he is really watching me all the time?

Sorry for the essay!  Take care penguins.  Bug Higs.

Gayle xxx

Evening All, I know it is late but can't sleep so decided to do a wee post, think i am a bit keyed up as i have the funeral of the boy i went to school with, not wanting to go but one i really need to go to and i think i would regret not going. His mum worked with Derek in the bakers so know her well to.My brother in law going to go with me so i will not be on my own. Hope you are all doing ok and i send hugs to everyone. Charlie back to doctor's tomorrow think he is improving but still has a wheeze, but he is such  a happy baby and i got plenty smiles today when i was looking after him. Well i better try and get some sleep. Fiona xxxxxxxxxxx 

Oh Fiona, I will be thinking of you tomorrow, hope you managed to get some sleep.  So sorry to hear about your friend, that would bring it all back for me for sure.  Hope Charlie is all better soon.  He will cheer you up a little.

I had all sorts of notes from all your posts but they are now old, I kept trying to post at work but my coworkers and others decided I should be working instead.  I do want to say to Teri, hang in there.  I am not coping any better than you, it is just one day at a time and sometimes one minute.  Some days are better now, I cannot handle being alone on holidays so my way to escape is to travel to visit relatives and friends.  I am fortunate to be able to do that right now but next year will not be able to run away quite so often and will have to learn to be alone.  I find weekends are hard enough. 

This week has been not bad because of my getaway long weekend, funny that we celebrate Victoria Day for Queen Victoria's birthday in Canada but you don't in England?  But today is 7 months and I had a meltdown in Starbucks on the way to work.  I have two friends who work there and all they had to say was 'how are you' and that did me in.  I did manage to get through my hour at work before leaving for my group and I was glad to have been able to go there today.  Hard to go back to work afterwards though, I am not motivated to do anything at all there these days and this is my busiest time, getting ready for the end of school in June. 

A good friend dropped in tonight - with all my messy house- and brought me flowers.  That was really sweet.  And I find I am not so upset tonight, tired and drained but will get through the rest of the evening ok.  Hoping to get some work done around the house this weekend.  I also need to take Max to meet a member of my group who is going to take him next weekend when we have our retreat.  So I will be forced to go out and do something at least on Saturday.

Lesley, I love ginger.  Hope you are all doing as well as you can.

Bren

Morning everyone xx Half term starts here!!!

Sue well done on Ofsted and getting through everything last week xxx Hope you re ok after it all x

Gayle that sounds lovely and I m sure it is Wully watching over you but I am positive he doesnt think bad of you, he will be pleased for you and very proud of how you re getting on with everything xxx Can completely empathise with Fathers Day cards, I had to do that a month after Paul died for his Dad s card and off the kids, didnt want to send them into the card shop but it was so hard to buy those cards. Havent done it for this year yet x Well done you!!

Fiona good luck today, I had a couple of funerals after Paul died that I felt I had to go to and felt much better once I had. It is hard but look at it as a good excuse to have a cry lol!! You re allowed to at funerals xxx

Ailsa lovely news about Becky and Declan, enjoy your weekend too x

Rosemary glad Sam sounds happy x

Judi yes I have worked far too many days now so going to enjoy my week off lol!! Will be thinking of you on Monday, ouch!!!

Bren big hugs to you, we re allowed our meltdowns xx I had one the other night in the shed, was looking for some tape and chatting to Paul asking him where it was hee hee and the tears just hit!!! Sobbed and sobbed xx Oh well, will happen for ever I suppose. Manda hope you re ok after your meltdowns yesterday xx

Lesely you made me laugh xx sounds like me, doing everything. I ve managed to bleach my work trousers cleaning the bathroom!!

Patricia hope you re ok xx Always looking out for us x

Well Nat leaves school today!! Lots of tears and signing of shirts x She couldnt wait to leave and now its all too much lol x She s had first exam, rest after half term. Liam finishes college today too!! How old am I lol!!

I went out for a meal last night with the group who organised Paul`s fundraising night, had a good laugh and a lovely food. Shopping today then gym and swim with Nat tomorrow. Few drinkies with the girls then spending some time with my friend Monday and Tuesday. The week is pretty much booked up to, looking forward to it. First hols I ve actually looked forward to, so something must be good.

I m in tonight so will catch up with you all later, think this is too much of an essay lol

Bye for now, Helen xxx

HAPPY HALF TERM !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ha, ha Helen, managed to avoid doing that last week, stripped to bare essentials and stood in the bath to clean tiles etc, bottle of bleach in one hand and scrubbing brush in the other. No bleach on clothes but very clean me!!!!  Good thinking or what  :-)

Ailsa, loved the film Little Voice, would love to go and see the production, lucky you. Hope you enjoy it! x

Sorry, didn't make it back last night, had two loooooonnnnnnggg phone calls and then Sam came home (had spent the evening with Wayne at their house) so popped back on now to make sure you are all ok.  Big hugs to all of you in meltdown at the moment, it does get better but it also does still happen, I think it has to or we would burst (very messy) so it just has to be released in tears. 

Sam's funny story (probably will sound lame and strange now) was as she caught the Victoria - Horsham train, managed to get a seat and was sitting behind a father and son.  The dad apparently looked and sounded like Brian Blessed (did anyone see him doing Have I Got New For You? Totally mad!), they were talking about The Archers and singing the theme tune very loudly, Sam and the lady diagonally opposite were smiling at each other and having a laugh at the two of them.  Blessed then said to Mini Blessed (Sam's words) "It's the oldest running soap opera ever you know and the most boring theme tune you can imagine" they then continued on with the Dum di dum di dum di dum.... at this point Sam had the woman nearly in stitches as she started conducting behind the Blessed's.  They then started talking about Ashes to Ashes and Blessed could not understand the final episode at all, he didn't know what happened or why and just wished he could find someone who could explain it to him.  At this point Sam said she couldn't resist so leaned forward and said "Excuse me I couldn't help over hearing (another titter from the other lady) but I know what happended, I Googled it and understand it all now....." and she went on to explain all.  Which of course made Brian Blessed's night and he was so happy, as was Mini Blessed.  Finally they reached Horsham (terminating there) and I think four people went home on a high that doesn't often happen when you commute but when it does it's just a wee bit special - like my daughter of course :-))

Little Sis is over tonight so might not get back on for the major catch up with you all, unless I can get her to leave at a sensible time and then I will log on again.  Love and hugs to you all though and stay safe xxxxx

P.S Judi when are you off on your hols?  I nearly made it up to Scotland but think you would be away.