My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Dottee, sorry, our posts must have crossed. So sorry you are having these 'meltdowns'. I can understand not wanting to think of your own problems but pleasse don't shelve them altogether. I did that and then they all fell out of the cupboard and buried me under the great mound that had gathered. Please take care and try to keep the 'pending' file to a manageable level.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Afternoon Patricia - problems are not shelved completely....... but  Ellie-dog seems to be sorting herself out - she knows when to rest and though she tries to run finds she cannot so takes it easy again.  So that's one worry less!!  I wish a certain human in my house would think in the same way - life would be so much less fraught!!!!!!  We have an Advisor calling tomorrow about the DLA and until we've seen her I don't know if I have to leave that one as 'pending'........all else will have to be dealt with as I feel up to it..............I'm breathing slowly and deeply.... in and out.......in and out..........calm thoughts............ calm thoughts...........  You see - I can do it...................just not all the time!!!!!!

Love and (((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))  Dot xxxxxxxxxxx

Oh Dot hugest hugs and breathing deeply and calmly alongside you.  Just peep round all the penguins are there holding you up  Everything is bombarding you at the moment and you keep going so very well, sometimes it's the only way isn't it?  Bless you xxx

Thank you everyone for all your messages and texts and support, I so wasn't expecting the train to hit so badly last night, still feel wobbly and numb inside but I will get through, because my friends are helping me to (that's you guys!).  I think it's the keeping it inside that makes it so hard, even having to wait to cry sometimes, I know I am very lucky that I have Sam living with me (very very lucky as she nearly wasn't here) and Dan only a short distance away, sisters that stay in touch and want to come over often, in-laws that phone EVERY NIGHT but sometimes I actually envy the people who live alone.  Just to have peace and quiet and space to grieve at my own pace, although I know that too is hard and you must then so miss having someone in the house, thre is no easy way and no answers to any of it.  So I am picking up the pieces and with Dottee and Patricia stretching their handy-bendy arms right round us all I'm digging out the sparkly rope and enjoying the view from our ledge again.  Thank you once again with all my heart.

Oh Rosemary, they always say the grass is greener on the other side, dont they? Don't ever wish yourself alone, it is such a lonely, lonely place. When you feel practically hysterical with grief and don't knw what to do with yourself, there is no-one there to keep you safe, keep you wondering what if.....

My house does not feel like a home anymore, just a place, sad, dark and quiet, very quiet. Too many seats not being sat in, too many chairs around an unused dining table and too many empty bedrooms. I have never lived alone and I hate it, its so easy to just sit staring into space, with silent tears rolling down my face. As you can prbably guess from my post, I am having a very bad few days.

At least if there was someone else living here, it would be someone to make an effort for, someone to share with, some to look after. I am getting to the point where I dread coming home and put it off for as long as I can. Last night I came straight from work, via Rachel's, upstairs to bed.

Have been reading your posts, have just felt to down to post.

Like Ailsa, just wish i could get a sign, I dont dream about Colin either, well no different from before anyway.

I miss him so much   :-(   Hugs to anyone else who is feeling down  xxxx

Oh I'm sorry, it's true the grass is always greener and I wouldn't want to live on my own either, I do know I am very lucky.  I remember the first few weeks when Steve was too ill too come downstairs and share a meal, sitting with one empty seat made me cry nearly every mealtime and most times I didn't want to eat (but did for the sake of the kids), I just knew that it would never be the same and that place was going to be empty always.  Then in September Daniel moved out and now there is just two of us at the table.  It is those little things that make day to day so sad and to think of you all alone makes me sad for you and ashamed of wishing I had more time to myself.  I know eventually Sam will also move out and then it's just me, the dogs and the cat, but I won't let her stay when the time is right it is just something I will have to live with.  The thought of finding "someone else" just closes me down, I don't want to think of having to change my life (again) to accommodate someone else and their ways, I'm sure Steve would have said to do it and wouldn't want me to live without anyone, but can't see how that is going to happen.  Of course never say never, just can't imagine it now.

Will go and light the fire on the ledge and get the hot chocolate brewing, think we might need it again tonight. xxxx

Don't be sorry Rosemary, I understand it must be hard trying to cope with your feelings when you have others to think about too. No matter what our individual circumstances are it is just as hard for all of us, just for slightly different reasons.

Wish we all lived a bit closer then we could meet up for a coffee or  the odd glass of wine. Sometimes I just feel so alone, even though I have my family. Like you said we try to shield them from some of our pain.

take care xx

Your posts are striking a chord with me too.  Sometimes (very often) I wish I was on my own.  My kids have bags of energy and enthusiasm for life and it is draining and at times I can't bear them near me as all I want to do is curl up into a ball or like Lesley stare into space with silent tears.  I know that the kids are probably what keep me from going completely mad but at times I just want space too.  After Wully died I stopped eating at the dining table.  I just couldn't stand it.  The first time I did it my sister was in and I just started crying so just avoid it now.  The kids eat at the table together but I can't - I have mind standing up whilst doing chores, etc.  Not good and maybe it will pass but that has been 7 months now and I still can't do it.

Hugs to all you ladies & gents - we are all in a bad place and one day hopefully we will all be in a good place together.

Gayle xx

Good evening my gorgeous friends.

I have just read all your posts and am so frustrated that I can't just rush round and give you all a huge hug, pass a tissue or lend you my sleeve (Gayle!). 

I have been sitting here for the last ten minutes wondering if I should wait until another day to post, a day when everyone is feeling a little brighter and more able to face everything, but decided that maybe at present that is a big ask - so here goes.

I had a phone call today to say that I got the job - I am absolutely delighted and immediately wanted to share it with the guys that have supported me, cared about me, comforted me and got me to the place where I felt I was able to do this again.  I owe this one to you guys .......... and of course my darling Ed who sent me the sign to say "Yes Judes, this is the right thing for you" - of that there is NO doubt in my mind at all.  So the biggest thank you to every one of you - I couldn't have got this far without you.

Speak later - am off to phone my dad, it's his birthday today, and I know that hearing me so positive will make him very happy.

Loads and loads of love Judi xxxxx

Well done Judi - just what we all need to hear - someone with some good luck for a change!!!!!!  We knew you would wow them.....and the threat of all us penguins on the march under the command of Napoleon probably did the trick too!!!!  Love and (((((hugs))))) ........Dotxxxxxxxx

Judi, CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!! Well done you!!! So pleased for you and lovely to hear good news xxxx What a lovely birthday present for your Dad too x

Rosemary I know how you feel having to wait to have your tears but I do believe without the children round the house it would be a lot harder. My 2 have been great and kept me going xx Like you say in time they will be off and the house will be empty, we need to aim to have our own life somehow, our loved ones would want that for us all x

I ve been using my brain today!! Yes there is one there I think lol. Been on the 2nd part of my food hygiene course today and took the test at the end. Think it went ok.

Nearly weekend again, whats everyone got planned? Ailsa have a lovely time with Becky xx

I m having a quiet one tomorrow night then meeting a friend Saturday, few drinks and a meal I think.

Helen xxx